My Fiancé Wants to Flip the Norm on Our Wedding — His Eerie Request Raises Concern

Wedding planning is undeniably a joyful yet challenging time. Both partners often have differing desires, leading to clashes—an entirely common occurrence. However, in rare instances, one partner’s desires can veer drastically off course, causing the other to question the entire marriage journey. This was the experience of a bride-to-be who turned to Reddit, seeking solace and guidance from the online community by sharing her unconventional story.

She wrote:

“My partner (30M) and I (29F) are getting married soon, and we are both very progressive people. As our wedding approaches, my fiancé decided to ‘subvert’ tradition and wear something ‘special’. When he told me what it was, I burst into laughter, thinking it’s surely a joke. Turned out he’s dead serious.

He wants us to switch our wedding outfits; he wishes to wear the wedding dress while I put on the tux. He explained that he finds tuxes very similar to each other and feel a lot like wearing a suit to a job interview, and that he had always thought wedding dresses were so beautiful and different from each other.”

She added:

“I told him no, it wouldn’t be appropriate and would turn our wedding into a spectacle and would probably change the way a lot of our friends and family view us. My family is quite progressive, but I think even they would wonder what was going on. He said ‘OK,’ but seemed down for the rest of the night.

Furthermore, we have several close friends who are gender-nonconforming, nonbinary, or simply like cross-dressing, so that has never been an issue. But even though we have been together for 5 years, he has never expressed any unconventional desire of this sort. It would be OK with me if he wanted to experiment, and I think it would even be a different story if this was something that was integral to his daily identity that he wanted to be reflected in our wedding.

I just don’t understand why he wants the first time to be on our wedding day. I’m alarmed, but also don’t want to be controlling his wedding attire choices.”

She went on saying:

“Then, I had another conversation with him. I tried to explore the reasons he wanted to wear a dress to our wedding in an open-minded way. I emphasized that he could tell me if he was transgender, or non-binary, or wanted to experiment with cross-dressing, and I would still love him and want to marry him.

He seemed genuinely taken aback and told me it wasn’t that big of a deal, he just really liked wedding dresses, and it hadn’t even occurred to him that I might have a problem with him wearing one, since it’s one of the two most common options, and we have been to weddings where both partners wore a dress or both wore a tux. He then told me that he has no problem with me wearing a dress, the ‘reverse roles’ thing was just one of many ways he thought that could go. He also reassured me that he would feel safe sharing any changes in his gender or sexual identity status with me.

I told him we could look at wedding dresses together and coordinate whatever made us both feel special, whether that’s dress/dress, dress/tux, tux/tux or something else!”

Fellow Redditors quickly chimed in, sharing their sincere viewpoints and advising her to approach the situation with care.

• Don’t marry until this is resolved. Your fiancé sounds like he’s trying to tell you something before marrying them. Listen to them. What strikes me as weird is why did you have to wear the tux? If they are boring, then why do you have to wear one if even he doesn’t want to?
  My first thought, he is more attracted to you that way, dressed as a man. Why not ask to both wear dresses? Why you in a tux? You’ve got a lot of soul-searching to do. © WNY_Canna_review / Reddit

• I think this calls for a much larger conversation, because if he wants to wear something unique to him, he can have an outfit custom-made for him. If he wants to use the wedding as a platform for announcing something a whole lot bigger, that is a conversation that needs to be had. © facinationstreet / Reddit

• If he finds a regular suit boring, then there are tuxes out there that don’t look like “going to work suits” that he could find to make him feel special. I meant fun print, awesome style and color suits that the groom could wear, not just traditional tuxes... But, there is absolutely a conversation that needs to be had before you get married. Good luck. © sisterjude_ / Reddit

• This is his coming out, whether he calls it that or not. You’d better decide if you can live with this behavior (and possibly more) because when men start cross-dressing, they usually escalate rather than stop. Your anger might drive it underground but only temporarily. © snaggle1234 / Reddit

• I think you need to have a more serious discussion. A wedding gown is an extreme choice for a sis-gender man, especially for his own wedding. It may be that your partner’s gender is more complicated than you know, and this is his way of starting to talk to you about it. © Pandoratastic / Reddit

• You should have other conversations:
  1- Is gender non-conformance something they want to pursue in their personal life?
  2- Are they unhappy with the wedding as planned?
  3- Are there other ways of expressing uniqueness or seeking comfort (like a Kilt) that would meet their needs without necessarily turning into a huge spectacle or statement? It may be that other types of non-traditional garb would meet their needs.
  You are not wrong to have concerns about jumping straight to swapping garb, but you do need to have some conversations with them to make sure they don’t have something else going on, and that they do not resent the way the wedding is being planned. © AdAccomplished6870 / Reddit

After receiving feedback from the Reddit community, the bride-to-be likely began considering her fiancé’s request from a different perspective, recognizing that there might be underlying reasons behind it. Yet, addressing such concerns prior to marriage is imperative. Conversely, complexities can intensify post-marriage, as shown by another woman who discovered an uncommon dynamic between her longtime husband and his boss. You can read her letter here.