Family vacations are meant to unite us, yet this year I made a choice that shocked everyone: I left my daughter-in-law out of the trip. It was a difficult decision, but one I felt had to be made.
Hey there, Bright Side! I’d like to share a personal experience. What’s done is done, but I keep questioning whether my actions were fair or if I was in the wrong. I’d love to hear from your readers who they believe bears the blame in this situation.
My daughter-in-law and I aren’t very close, but I thought we were getting along fine. She’s been married to my son, Jack, for two years. At first, I didn’t support their marriage, but I accepted it for my son’s happiness. They now have a beautiful son I adore. I’ve been trying to build a better relationship with my DIL, but it’s been really difficult.
Why should she apologize for her reaction to someone who has intentionally tried to embarrass her. That maybe the reason why she didn't support their marriage ( mothers intuition). And DIL married INTO the family knowing this is what HIS family does. Instead of DIL asking how can I help- while MIL is really putting forth the effort she gets called controlling- ps maybe no one else wanted the job of planning a huge family vacation- jmt-ijs
She often makes sarcastic comments, and I can’t help but feel they’re aimed at me. At family dinners, she’ll roll her eyes at my ideas or brush them off as “old-fashioned.” The breaking point came at Jack’s birthday. Every summer, we take a family trip, and this year my husband and I picked a lakeside cabin for fishing. Everyone seemed happy about it—even my daughter-in-law—until she embarrassed me in front of everyone by saying, “You only plan these trips because you can’t stand letting anyone else be in charge.”
The room went quiet. Later, in the kitchen, Laura repeated herself. “I didn’t mean to upset you, but you do like being in control,” she said gently, though it still felt like a dig. That night, I decided I couldn’t tolerate a week stuck with someone who didn’t respect me.
The next day, I told Jack I didn’t want Laura on the trip. “I just need a break from the tension,” I explained. He was upset and said he didn’t want to be caught in the middle, warning me that Laura wouldn’t take it well. He was right. She later called and accused me of being controlling again, even claiming I was tearing the family apart. I honestly don’t understand where all her anger is coming from.
Even with all the drama, we went on the trip, and it was incredibly peaceful. Without Laura’s sarcasm, we laughed more, relaxed, and truly enjoyed ourselves. But since coming back, she hasn’t spoken to me or visited, and she’s keeping my grandson away, which is really upsetting. Should I apologize to my daughter-in-law? What’s the best way to handle this now?
Let's see. You didn't support the marriage but offered no reason for that position. You cannot accept being challenged or called out especially by DIL. You plan an all inclusive family vaca but DIL isnt welcome. What could possibly be wrong in this relationship?? You have single handedly sabotaged your relations with the person YOUR SON chose to spend HIS life with because you dont like the mother of your grandson. Well lady, YOU are not going to win this battle that you insisted on creating. The ONLY choice you have (before you screw something else up) is to BEG her forgiveness, start acting like an adult vs an impetuos brat, and get help for your control issues. Yes, you have a REAL issue and if not corrected will destroy your relationship with your son; damage your DIL and her husbands union, and make your husband old. And BTW, since dad didn't rebuke you on the vaca, its clear you have destroyed his masculinity.
Hi Liza! Thank you for opening up and sharing your story. Family conflicts are never easy for anyone involved. Here are some suggestions on how you might approach the situation moving forward:
Apologize if necessary: If leaving her out of the trip caused pain, think about apologizing. It doesn’t mean you were completely wrong, but it demonstrates that you care about the relationship and want to heal any rifts.
Acknowledge her feelings: Reach out to your daughter-in-law and try to understand her perspective. Even if you are still not on the same page, showing that you’re open to understanding her side can help rebuild the relationship. A simple line like, “I didn’t mean to hurt you, and I’d like us to work things out,” can make a big difference.
Bring in a neutral party: If feelings are intense, ask someone impartial, like Jack, to help mediate. He can guide the conversation and ensure both sides are heard calmly and fairly.
Establish boundaries kindly: As you work on repairing the relationship, be clear about your needs. Calmly explain how hurtful comments affect you and suggest ways to improve communication going forward.
Consider your perspective: Pause to think about your part in the situation. Even if you felt justified, reflect on how Laura might have seen your actions. This awareness can help you decide the best way to move forward.
In a different letter, a woman explained why she chose not to financially support her retired mother. You can read her story here.
The Dil seems toxic and petty. I don't think because you chose a lovely lake cabin is being controlling as you can do more then just fish there like take walks, go swimming. I think your dil jealous that you can afford a nice holiday as it must have cost a lot
Exactly!
I would have to say that there is a controlling individual but it isn't you. Seems like the DIL is to blame. She wants to be the person in charge because she thinks she is entitled, that's because she was taught that behavior. I would recommend in the future when thinking about a trip, everyone who is going should have some input into it, such as a vote. That way you take away the problem of being accused of being controlling.
I think that the next time you plan a trip. Since it didn't say that everyone was paying their share have them to pay their share and choose a place that everybody is comfortable with, that way you would see what her problem really is. And if she is still showing face, just say oh well, dear you plan and pay for the trip this year and we'll just show up.
Maybe you are controlling. Maybe you both are controlling. Like 2 alphas, one of you is going to have to relent. She has your grandson, so how are you going to play this?
DIL will give in as soon as she needs something. My former sister-in-law tried this sort of manipulative 'punishment' until she needed a babysitter for a week, then she called Mom and that was that.
The best way for Granny to play this, is to distance herself, and not to let DIL use grandson as a pawn to get her way. When DIL figures out that trying to keep grandson away from Granny isn't working the way that she thought it would, she might come to her senses.
Maybe an attitude like this is WHY MIL doesn't care for her. She sounds like an entitled brat! Leave her and your son out of the next vacation.
She's gonna play it like anyone who has raised kids do. Let her throw her tantrum, scream and holla like a toddler and then she will come to her senses. Meanwhile, Mama is getting her nails done, her hair laid and having intimate dinners with her husband, because her kid(s) are GROWN! that's exactly how I would play it. I will miss the little baby. But DIL will need MIL before she needs her.
You say you didn't support their marriage and only did so for your son's happiness.
Sit with that for a while. I suspect her sarcasm springs from that. I also suspect son and grandson will be very scarce in your life if you choose to keep going on your path.
That wasn't sarcasm; that was the first volley of the cannonball. There was absolutely no need for such a rude comment. That half azzed apology in the kitchen was an attempt to smooth over the damage but it only made it worse.
Totally disagree.
I wouldn't want DIL there either if she acted like that. But actions have consequences on both ends. DIL holding back you grandson was your unfortunate consequence. You need to speak with your son b/c he has control over who his son sees as well.
But maybe a sit down w/your DIL is needed to try and bring this relationship back to something civil. Even if you need to apologize (you don't have to mean it), but saying sorry can help and try to find a path forward. After all you two are family and are going to have to see each other. Maybe your son can even help by talking to DIL about not being so sarcastic, who knows it may help.
I think if you want a relationship with DL you should have spoken directly to her. And in that conversation/argument let her know she's free to plan a family trip if she so
chooses. Also, ask for examples of what she considers your being
"controlling".
There's a lot of room for growth here for all parties. I think you are right when you sense hostility and it's fair to assume that DIL never recovered from initial rejection. Have you taken the time to address that and your sincere change of heart? It's reads like you will tolerate DIL for your son. Thats not acceptance. Could you build your own relationship with her? Your son wants to remain neutral but I think he has a role too. He sounds keenly aware of his wife's temperament as should address her in private. This may curb the public displays. While it sounds like you have some ground to cover, your son and DIL should be thoughtful because DIL will one day be a MIL too., and history repeats itself.
Well said💯💯
Come next year don't plan a trip. Then when your son and daughter-in-law ask what the plans are for this summer, simply tell them you've decided you want to learn to give up control and you're going to let them have the wheel this year. See how quick she back pedals when she has to be responsible.
You sound like a real peach. If you want to have any sort of relationship with your grandchild you better change your attitude. Your son is an adult, he married her because he chose to love her. You need to choose to love her to if you want a healthy relationship with your son and grandchildren. You obviously have extremely unreasonable feelings and always think you are right. You need to take a step back and see a therapist to get over your needs to control everything and everyone around you. If you don't you will spend your final years alone and without family. I'm sorry to put it so harshly but that's your future if you don't make a big change and become more self aware. I hope you will listen and make the right choice.
I didn't even finish reading your comment and gave it a big 👎🏾👎🏾👎🏾
Of course you SHOULDN'T apologize. She's the toxic family member. She gets combative b/c everyone likes your idea . You're the mom obviously you know your family better than her. Your son can bring the baby to visit you. As long you and your son's relationship are the same don't worry about hee. She'll always be jealous b/c she's never going to be the center of attention. Too bad your son didn't listen to you about her. You must feel so sad that your son married a woman like this.
Ok, I didn't see a whole story for some reason, and I feel like some parts of it are missing. There were only bits and pieces of it here and there, and it seemed like the story started in the middle, lol!
I'm wondering why the MIL didn't care for the DIL from the beginning. That seems to be a part of the story that's missing.
That being said, if the MIL has always planned a vacation for the family, that is not being "controlling". It's just that she plans a vacation for her family, and whoever wants to go along, goes along. Why would that be an issue? If DIL doesn't want to go, she can keep her sour self home, and plan her own trip, AND PAY FOR IT!
Also, the DIL keeping the grandson away is just a power move, and MIL shouldn't fall for it! Moms often use this as a powered play, but MIL needs to say FINE, if I don't see him, then I don't see him, and DIL will come around real quick, especially when she needs a sitter, and figures out that Grandma went on with her life without skipping a beat!
From now on, take a trip with just you and your husband, and leave son and DIL at home!
GREAT answer! In-laws come from entirely different family systems and it takes time for everyone to blend. The DIL was unnecessarily rude to someone treating her to a vacation, and the son should work this out in private. MIL should pull back and focus on her own life. If she allows the grandkids to be pawns now, things will never get better.
You are going to be missing that grandchild you adore, there's time to fix it still. You, your daughter in law and your son who went on vacation without his wife are all the AH.
I read the comment to the MIL. This is what I would do . Again it's what I would do. I would not apologize to my daughter-in-law. After all she said what she truly felt. Nothing wrong with that if she really felt that way. I may not like it but I'm glad she put it out there. So why can't I tell her or anyone else how I feel. We all are adults. I know now where I stand with her. Instead of getting angry , stop talking to me and keeping me from seeing my grandchild. She could sit down with me and find a way to work.through our situation. Not seeing my grandchild would hurt. But it's her lost. For all she know she may need me in the future. I will always be there for my son and his family. I will keep living my life.
I am always amused when these OPs choose to take the "nuclear" option (telling your son you don't want HIS WIFE on a family trip) .... and then go into martyr-mode when the person they have ostracized fights back.
The OP totally and deliberately tried to cut her DIL out because she got called on her (the OP's) control issues....
The OP should not be at all surprised by her DIL reciprocating..... the OP playing "long suffering martyr" just doesn't cut it..... SHE'S THE ONE WHO STARTED THIS.
The son is a real AH. He should not have gone if his wife not welcome. He's a real wuss mom's boy. Oh he can't respect his wife how does he expect his mother to?
Did you miss the part where she said the DIL is always making sarcastic and disrespectful comments. How long is a person to put up with disrespect to maintain the family peace? I think not!
I agree, they should take turns. I don't agree that it's the moms fault.
Sounds like thats what she should have said, instead of insulting and then expecting to go on the trip.
"I know you like to plan these, But I woukd like to do something instead."
If she doesn't offer it comes off as even MORE controlling because now mom is trying to MAKE his wife plan trips?
The mom/MIL isn't planning her son's birthday party. She's planning a vacation with HER husband(dad) & inviting the kids (son &DIL) & grandkids. Where does that constitute MOM/MIL being called controlling? Seems like she's trying to build a fun environment for everyone. The DIL is pissy & perhaps wants to plan it, repeatedly disrespects the MIL & is uninvited. Son needs to be a man & help his wife (DIL) learn respect & better communication to prevent permanent damage.
"Be a man and teach his wife respect?" WTF lady, what, are you like 95? You people need to understand that you're not in control anymore. Let those in there prime take charge and enjoy the supporting role you should properly inhabit. The past changed because it sucked ... people should also change, or they will too.
Who are you quoting? Me? If you're going to quote then consider doing so accurately.
Who also are "You people"?
You're rather comical in your shallow views.
Quotes are used in various circumstances for various purposes ... something you'd know if you'd let some knowledge creep into your void of a head. Oh, and "you people" are selfish, soulless monsters, I thought id made that clear. Pro tip, genius, the shallow people are the ones that do only for themselves, not the ones who put family and the protection of the weak first. I'm glad you appreciate comedy, because your failure to grasp both language and humanity is hilarious.
If DIL thinks MIL is only planning trips let MIL TELL DIL AT NEXT GETHERING....SINCE THINGS DIDNT GO WELL FOR YOU AND I AT LAST TRIP
HOW ABOUT YOU PLAN THE NEXT ONE.
SHE PROBABLY HAS NO IDEA WHAT ALL GOES INTO SYNCING DATES. TRANSPORTATION. PLANNING .MEALS. ACTIVITIiES. Not to mention costs. Who pays for what. Did mom pay for it? OR did that have to be agreed on. DIL sounds very whiny. Hope it doesn't rub off on the baby. And petty to not let you see the child. Why isn't your son stepping up. And he CERTAINLY IS NOT A NEUTRAL PERSON FOR GO BETWEEN. VERY BAD TO PUT HIM BETWEEN MOM AND WIFE.
Apologize and let her know the next vacation is on her. Her plan her dime. She is in full control just tell you where and when.
She gave her opinion and she was entitled to. We still have freedom of speech...for now. When she kept it up, she crossed the line. Even if you are what we in the South call "an officious old biddy), it is still your home. She should have excused herself for an existing event she had already planned and called the day spa. If she wants to help plan she should use her words instead of this passive aggressive behavior. It makes everything difficult and ruins the peace. So yes she can speak up, but she should have asked instead of taking potshots at her MIL. You did not say if you and your husband were paying, but if you were, it is even more tacky. So I give you full permission to not apologize. She could have come to you and talked about this without the personal attacks, even if she felt provocation. She can approach her next year or let her plan and pay. My guess, if you were paying, there was somewhere else she wanted to go on your dime.
