Family is undoubtedly a top priority. But sometimes, we’re faced with choices that, while meant to help someone close to us, could deeply affect our own lives in unexpected and lasting ways. One of our readers, Anna, recently reached out to share her story. Her husband wants to adopt his young niece, but Anna feels strongly that it’s not the right decision for them.
Dear Bright Side,
My husband, Daniel, and I recently got married, and we’ve been excitedly planning to build a life—and eventually, a family—together. But just a few days ago, Daniel shared something that completely shook me.
He told me that his 6-year-old niece, Lily, may soon be without a safe home—and he wants us to adopt her.
To explain a bit more: Daniel has one sister, Emily, who is a single mom. I’ve only met her once briefly, but I know she’s been going through a really tough time. Emily was recently diagnosed with a serious chronic illness that’s been progressing quickly. She’s been in and out of the hospital, and doctors say she may not be able to care for Lily much longer.
Child services has already stepped in and is assessing whether Lily needs to be placed in temporary care. Because of her condition and limited support system, Emily has agreed to give guardianship to someone she trusts—Daniel.
Daniel is set on stepping in. He says it’s the right thing to do and that he couldn’t live with himself if his niece ended up in the system. But for me, this all feels like too much, too fast.
I told Daniel I’m not ready to take on the responsibility of raising a child—especially one who’s been through trauma and whose life is about to be turned upside down. This isn’t what I envisioned when we talked about starting a family. I dreamed of having our own children someday, when we were fully ready.
Daniel was devastated. He slammed his hand on the table and said, "How can you be so cruel? If you don’t agree to adopt her, I will divorce you. Since then, he’s barely spoken to me, and when he does, it’s mostly tension or guilt.
Now I’m torn. I love him. I want to support him. But I also feel like my own voice is being drowned out in this crisis. I don’t want to damage our relationship further, but I can’t ignore my feelings, either.
What should I do?
Sincerely,
Anna
Let him have his divorce. He's making an emotional decision for two separate people. He can only make that decision for himself not for you. Undoubtedly you will become the primary caretaker of the child and her needs. He's already tossing labels at you he will not stop. You know what you need to do.
Hello Anna! Thanks for reaching out to us. Here are some tips we trust you’ll find useful.
Encourage both partners to share their feelings and concerns openly and listen without judgment. This helps build understanding and reduces tension during tough conversations.
You are NOT the AH. You're human. A traumatized.6 year old will require a lot of time and attention at the very least. The worst case scenario is she could make your life a nightmare. I've been through it, and wouldn't wish it on anyone. You deserve to have the quality of life you want. Knowing what I know now, I'd recommend divorce now if your heart isn't in it. Your husband doesn't have the right to impose this on you, especially considering ( statistically speaking) men tend to dump the lion share of care onto the women. Let him do it alone!
Connect with support groups and resources for adoptive and guardianship families to share experiences, gain advice, and reduce feelings of isolation.
It’s important to allow space for individual reflection and then come together to discuss readiness and expectations, helping to avoid rushed decisions.
Im someone who has done this, regardless of what my late husband said..which was, let her go to the state. A little person to the care of the state? Absolutely not. This young child grew up to be a wonderful young adult, and I'm forever grateful that I was there to take over and provide a safe childhood for them. Its nothing to extend love and mercy to a child. Especially a young family member, who needs stability in circumstances not of their doing. You'd want this for your child if something terrible happened to you.
Marriage counseling can strengthen communication, cooperation, and mutual respect, which are vital when facing the stresses of guardianship or adoption. Therapy can also address feelings of guilt or resentment.
Wow! You should adopt her. If it was me there would be no question about it. Sometimes life doesn't go as planned. Everything happens for a reason. Good for the husband to give her that ultimatum. I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing i put a little girl in the system who is your own blood. This is his sister's daughter. If you can't count on family then who can u count on. Unbelievable stop being so selfish.
Providing a child with a safe, stable, and nurturing environment is essential for her healing and growth. Establishing consistent routines, clear boundaries, and a space she can personalize helps foster a sense of security and belonging. Creating a warm, supportive atmosphere where she feels valued will ease her transition and promote resilience.
Situations like this have no easy answers. When family, love, and personal boundaries collide, emotions run high—and decisions can shape lives forever. Whether you side with Anna or understand her husband’s perspective, one thing is clear: open communication, empathy, and honesty are key when facing life-changing choices. Find more articles here.
Heartless is exactly the word. Your going to put a 6 year old relative in a position to suffer horrid abuse at the hands of mean hearted strangers because of "i wanted, I dreamed, I thought." Your pathetic selfish feelings ahead of the real life trauma of this poor little girl. You even point out that her trauma makes you even less inclined to do the one and only right thing ... cause the more she needs help, the less you want to give it. That girl needs, and all you can do is want. Get over it and provide a home for the child who needs you ... if you can't do that, wholeheartedly and lovingly, you wouldnt have made a good mom anyway. I hope your husband divorces you, his real family doesn't need distractions of dealing with your lack of a soul.
You covered it all!! My exact thoughts too!
Made an account just so I can like this comment. Shame on you OP!! Get over your selfish desires! Anyone who would make a good mother would never EVER let their own niece go through this!! Do not forget that you married into the family. She's your niece too!
Me too!
Wow,It certainly does not say what kind of mom you'd be ,slamming a fist on table to get your way .That's a red flag.If your not comfortable then that's your choice but being bullied for the rest of your life with no consideration.
Her husband slammed his fists on the table to threaten divorce if she didn't just agree to something she clearly doesn't want/isn't ready for. She should be thinking about divorce for that reason alone.
You are heartless. The foster care system is a cruel and abusive system. This poor traumatized kid is going to be abused and more traumatized for your own selfish needs. Sleep with that.
You are worried about her trauma. But dont mind if she goes into the foster care system where she will face even more trauma? Is this an ideal situation? Absolutely not. But that's life sometimes. And if you can't be a loving supportive partner then you Absolutely need to move on.
You are entitled to your feelings however so is your husband. If I was him I would be calling lawyers. Maybe this adoption isn't part of your fantasy family life, but this child is part of you and your husbands reality. If you can't deal with it, prepare for divorce.
I hope there is still time for an annulment!! He deserves better and you will be easy to replace because there are a lot of women who wish they had a man who is so caring! You arebeyond heartless. You clearly have no idea what family is about and should never reproduce!! You will make a horrible mother.
Not wanting to suddenly be forced to be a parent of a child that isn't yours doesn't make you heartless. Cut your loses, divorce, and he can raise her on his own. Him slamming his hands on the table and calling you names because you aren't changing your life for someone else's kid who is in admittedly a horrible situation doesn't really sound like he's going to be good to the future whether y'all adopt his niece or not.
Wow, hitting table in a moment of understandable emotion is worse than being a heartless, uncaring failure of a human being? And he didn't "call her names," he just spoke the truth and said what she was. He didn't slam that table over a disagreement about dinner or money ... he did it because his chosen life partner turned out to be a horrific mistake. His response to finding out he lived with an actual monster was surprisingly restrained, not surprising considering his proven capacity for empathy and dedication to family. Any one that could defend this awful woman is likely in the same heartless, selfish club. May others deny you both the compassion you lack.
there's a lot left unsaid here. nothing is mentioned about ages which could make a big difference. if the only trauma is her mother dying, then you're way too over concerned. but there is probably more since no mention is made of her bio dad. essentially, you're being asked to adopt a six year old stranger; how many other people commenting have done that? your response isn't exactly heartless but close and his was (as described) authoritarian. seems like you'd both be better off apart.
I have! It's what decent people do. And his he wasn't authoritarian... if there's only 1 acceptable option, your allowed to say what it is without being called that.
This is NOT your problem. No child needs a forced parent. If you're not ready thats ok. Let this person get his divorce and you move on. His family commitments are not yours unless you want them also. Ditch this situation, the only person who will get the short end of the stick is you.
You both need a divorce he has a heart you don't i hope your gone before he gets the Kids id hate to see how bad you would théâtre her
Treat
Scary that people even need/seek advice for these types of things. Then again, common sense died in 1999
