Many couples face tension when one partner is childfree by choice while the other hopes they’ll change their mind. These situations often bring up issues of boundaries, financial struggles, and respect in relationships.
Hello Bright Side,
So here’s some backstory: I grew up poor, hand-me-downs from cousins that were already falling apart. My parents worked very hard, but it was still never enough, and as the oldest, I basically raised my siblings. Babysitting, cooking, making sure homework got done, you name it. I didn’t get to have much of a childhood because I was always “mom #2.”
That’s a big reason I decided early on that I don’t want kids. Ever. I’ve done the diapers, the crying at 2 am, the “sorry you don’t get to hang out with your friends because someone has to watch the baby.” Been there, hated that.
Fast forward: I’m in my mid-20s now, living with my boyfriend. I love him. He’s kind, funny, and we click on so many levels. But he has this idea that I’ll eventually “change my mind” about kids. I’ve told him straight-up: no, I won’t. I don’t want to repeat the cycle of poverty, and honestly, I just want to live for myself for once. We’re both working, but we barely cover bills as is. A kid would break us financially and mentally.
Raising your brothers and sisters as totally different and having a child everyone
The love the respect the gratitude the tears the fears the love I don't expect you to change your mind I just wanted you to know what you're missing out on and if you and your friend cannot agree on this matter now that is better to park ways
One day, he called, super excited: “I have a big surprise, I adopted a puppy for you.” I never saw that coming. His reasoning? He wanted me to “see how caring for someone else could change my mind.” I’m not anti-puppy, but I’m definitely not okay with a living creature being used as some kind of experiment to push me toward having kids.
Keep the puppy, dump the man. He is literally using another living being to teach you, a grown woman, a lesson the HE thinks you should learn. That right there should be a huge red flag.
You're still at the age where you could change your mind. If you do, that should be on YOUR terms. Not because someone else tried to mold you into something. If you don't, then you should be allowed to live perfectly happily with the choices you've made for your own life, and not with the unfair feelings of shame or guilt that someone like him would probably subject you to if you don't change into the kind of person he wants to be with.
This is not to say that he is a bad person, or that you are inadequate. There are great sides to everybody, but despite those things, some people just have other sides that render them unsuitable for each other. It would be unfortunate to have both of you feel frustrated and hurt because you each have different life goals. I am 36 and child-free...with two dogs and two rabbits, and I don't think I'm looking back ever!
Now I feel stuck. I love him, but this feels like he’s not taking me seriously. It feels like my boundaries are being ignored. Bright Side, what do I do here? Is this a huge red flag or just an annoying misstep? Would you stay and try to work through it, or is this one of those deal-breaker moments?
Thank you in advance,
Ava.
How can you love someone who is dismissive of your choice to not have children? You ALREADY KNOW HOW TO CARE FOR "SOMEONE". I would not trust him to make sure that you don't "accidentally" get pregnant. Holes in the condoms, messing with your BC pills etc... You need to find someone that will AGREE WITH & RESPECT YOUR CHOICES. It's up to you NOT HIM, REMEMBER THAT!
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Ava! It takes courage to open up about something so personal. We really wanted to honor that by gathering a few pieces of advice that might give you different perspectives. Hopefully, something here helps you feel a little more supported and less alone.
While these situations can be challenging, open communication and mutual respect can help couples find common ground. With understanding and honesty, it’s possible to honor each other’s choices and strengthen the relationship.
Read next — “I Refused to Be Blamed for Not Giving My MIL a Grandchild, but She Was Hiding Something Big”
OMG RUUUUUUN! If you have repeatedly told him your reasoning for not wanting kids and he's STILL insisting you'll change your mind...he's not listening/hearing you. Y'all may be better at just being friends.
Sounds like a nice dude & you love him BUT.... Time to friendszone him
Brake up with him because he won't stop
I agree. It's time to let go and say goodbye. It's sad. It hurts - but he's NOT listening to you. You've told him - several times you've already raised your children and don't want any more. A puppy is a two year old child that will require potty training (is he going to help with that?), socialization (which includes walking and playing in dog parks is he going to help with that?), obedience training (because dogs don't train themselves - and that costs money - is he going to pay for that and attend classes as well?). Puppies need shots and routine vet care (which costs money even if you purchase vet insurance is he going to help pay for that and take the puppy for vet visits?) Then you have grooming (depending on the dog's coat that could be weekly to once every three months - which again costs money and time will be help with that?) Then there's puppy food and the really good brands are expensive for a reason and depending on how big the puppy gets (some breeds require two cups of food a day just to maintain good health) is he going to help with that? I won't even get into treats, leads vs harness, walk training, food and water bowls, dry vs wet vs both. His decision, his puppy, his problem, time to walk.
He got YOU a puppy to care for? I'd make it clear he got himself a puppy to care for. I wonder how long it will take him to find puppy a new home?
let him go and break up with him, he obviously wants kids and you don't, whatever happens in the future likely one of you will end up resenting the other. Its hard but probably the kindest thing
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My dad was the middle child of 20. His oldest sisters didn't have children because they raised their children, their siblings. My mom said they were the best aunties. They were gone before I was born. So I understand this stance. Get your tubes tied so it is not a subject with future guys.
He is NOT respecting your boundaries. My ex was like that, and it only got worse. Dogs are a huge commitment. You deserve to live life as ypu want, not through the lens of someone elses wants and dreams. You can love someone all you want, but this is a major point where 2 people want 2 different things. Kids, as you already know, life revolves around thier security and stability. Stay true to you! Do not let him manipulate you. And..final note..Id be packing my stuff and leaving asap.
I think a lot of commenters are missing the point. This isn't about wanting kids vs not wanting kids. A couple can want different things, and sometimes that can end a relationship, or not. The issue is her bf is abusive and manipulative. He is very dismissive of her by saying she will change her mind. He thinks she will change her mind because he's just so great so all of her childhood trauma he refuses to recognize shouldn't matter. He also bought her a puppy to test her. He is slowly pushing boundaries and enforcing his will upon her. He said she needs to have something to take care of so she can see how much she wants his children. She didn't ask for something to take care of. Now his "surprise" will be pooing and weeing on the floor, whining in the middle of the night, and chewing on her shoes and furniture. He has no plans on caring for the puppy because he already told her he bought it so she can take care of it. He framed it as a "gift" so if she gets angry about it she is the bad guy and he is the victim. This man is a covert narcissist with nice guy syndrome. She needs to run. She needs to realize he isn't the man she thinks he is. He is wearing a mask of niceness, and that mask is slipping. He knows the mask is slipping which is why he is pushing so hard. He doesn't want children, he doesn't even want to care for a puppy. He wants a baby trap so he can control her. This would make me fall out of love so fast because it would show me he isn't the man i thought i was falling in love with, and he is actually a very bad person in sheeps clothing.
Keep the dog and kick him to the curb I'm the same did not want kids had to many late nights with my sibs my ex did want kids. I left him when he wanted me to watch his nieces for a month while the parents went on their honeymoon that was my breaking point I also ask him if he would help but said no . So I said no and to pack his stuff and stay at his sister till they got back.
Wow ... I'm totally pro having kids, I've got 3, but I dont think everyone has to be. You need to ditch this guy ASAP. And his little dog, too.
Time to cut your losses and move on.
This guy is NEVER going to be OK with the OP's decision to be child-free.
So she has 3 choices....... she can move on to someone who accepts her choice to be child-free ....... she can waste years in a relationship with a guy trying to manipulate and maneuver and pressure her into having a kid ...... or she can fold and allow herself to be pressured into having a kid she never wanted to have to make this guy happy.
I agree with the people saying they need to break up. It isn't fair to her that so much pressure is being put on her to have kids, but it also isn't fair to him to keep him from having descendants.
Everyone's acting like he's the bad guy for wanting kids. He's not. He is the bad guy for bringing a puppy into the situation without talking to her first, though.
Having children and wanting to have children is as much a valid choice as being child-free. This situation isn't fair to either of them and they need to either come to some kind of agreement (that makes them both happy) or they need to go their separate ways.
Also, I have to ask. How is she not pressuring him into not having kids? The man obviously wants kids, but when he tries to express that, he gets labeled as manipulative and controlling. Again, the move with the puppy was wrong. But constantly talking about kids? That's no different than her always responding with "I want to be child-free". He's expressing what he wants.
Just, bottom line, they need to have a serious discussion where BOTH of them are heard and decide how they're going to handle this.
