My DIL Said I Wasn’t "Family"—So I Served a Payback She Won’t Forget

I actually think that you are completely in the wrong At no point did she say that you were not family she simply wanted to spend time with just her parents and siblings and that is okay. You do not have to be involved in every single family event to be considered family. You could have asked if they could do a dinner with just your side at so.e point if it really bothered you that much. And your selfish actions after will now impact on your grandchild/children as you actively stopped her from getting a job. I do believe that you need to reach out and apologise.

Are you serious. Because the DIL wanted one dinner with her side of the family!! It's going to be a long time before you see your grandchild and maybe any future grandchildren again. You are not the center of the universe!!

You both made a very big assumption...that she didn't get the job because of what you put in the letter. There could be several other reasons why she didn't get the job. Nevertheless, you shouldn't have done it. Petty, spiteful and inappropriate. And you also lose points for bringing a professional enterprise into your family squabbles. Apologize.

You absolutely are TA. Because this woman wanted a meal with her side of the family you sent a letter in knowing it would damage her chances. You added that line to be petty. And while normally I would side with someone excluded. She didn't say "no you arent family" she said "I want a simple meal with one side of the family" how many times have you been iver without her family? Did you view them as less? You truly saw this as a reason to long term damage your child and his wife's future. I don't think I would want your olive branch. I would spend forever wondering what you would do if i didnt invite you to every single event. And i don't need that stress. Have you always been this petty?

You seem to think of this as a competition. I see absolutely nothing wrong with DIL wanting to host her own immediate family without you. You and your son are not joined at the hip. You are immature and your behavior is disgraceful. I would not be surprised if they erased you entirely.

Yes you are the AH. She is entitled to her family and only her family. What you did may be a deal breaker for her and your son. Good luck seeing the grandkids!!!! Apologize like you have never apologized before and hope she forgives you. And keep your nose out of their business. Just because you've done things for them in the past doesn't mean you own them!

They aren't allowed to hang out with her family without you? YOU are the AH. And why would your son mention it to you if you weren't invited? He's not too bright either. Your DIL is the only innocent in this story. Also, why would mentioning you haven't had a dinner in a while keep her from getting a job? This entire story is annoying. Time to watch some Poppy the prairie dog videos.

I feel like I would have done the same thing out of pertness, HOWEVER, I know I would have just went silent on them and yes I'm a very jealous MEMAW and I don't like to share, I don't think I would destroy her career. I would just would stop doing for my son and DIL not my grandbaby. I know I've stepped over the line sometimes but things always fall back in place. Good luck 🤞

You are not the AH.

NTA. Honestly if she wants to work with children like that she should not be two faced like that. She is the AH for being fake and expecting you to play along after her cruelty. She tried to use you for her own gain and there is nothing wrong with telling the truth. Honestly, those kids deserve better than a petty gas lighter for a teacher. Honestly, what is wrong with you people? Do you not realize this woman is a monster?

Your DIL has every right to want to have dinner with her family. She wasn't rude in her delivery but YOU made it all about you. Try seeing this from her perspective and you will see your errors.
Good luck!

I full-well understand why the lady responded as she did! The DIL uses her when it's convenient, then ditches her when she's not of any use! The letter I would've sent wouldn't have been nearly as nice! The DIL sounds like a spoiled b****, that has herself up on a very high pedestal.

By going for her career, you harmed your grandchildren, perhaps irrevocably. That is unacceptable. You should have simply distanced yourself from the dil, or else requested a similar event with your own side of the family. She may have just wanted to see her own folks without having to play the "in front of mil" performance. Your performative lack of understanding is bad enough, but your behavior on an employment reference was beyond the pail. You need to offer a sincere apology now, and bot expect a reciprocal one from the dil and family that you wronged over a single dinner she wanted to have with her mom.

She wanted to have dinner with just her family and you shamed her? why? You are a huge AH. Not every family moment is about you. Some times it's about her Mom, her Dad, her Siblings. You are selfish to think family only means your son's relations.

MIL is definitely overstepping inviting herself to dinner. When she found out she wasn't invited she sabotaged a job opportunity for the DIL. The MIL behaved in a spiteful vindictive way then tried to paint herself as the victim. MIL is toxic.

That was BEYOND, jeopardizing a career over something so silly. Why can’t DIL have a family event with her family?!

DIL is entitled to have her family over for a visit! Ethan is entitled to have his family over! There is no rule that says every gathering has to include both sides of the family unless it is a holiday, birthday, graduation or some other event that all family members should attend.
The problem I see here is Ethan. He told his mother they were hosting a "family dinner." What he should have said, if he felt he needed to say anything at all is, "DIL is having her relatives over on such and such date." That way his mother would know to avoid dropping in on that day.
We too have a son and DIL. Sometimes we all get together, sometimes we don't. We enjoy our time with the kids without her family.

I believe both parties are wrong here and without knowing the full details I would say that the DIL could have been a bit more discreet and not mention the dinner as to not hurt the MIL feelings (some people are more sensitive than others), with that said the MIL should have waited until she could process the situation better and at last resort just simply not write a recommendation at all. Everyone is assuming DIL did not get the job because of that one little sentence written, if that is all the company took into consideration, DIL is better off finding a job somewhere where they appreciate the total package.

If she is constantly catering to you (his side of the family) why is she not allowed to cater once to hers without you?

MIL was so wrong! Her DIL has every right to have dinner with only her family. She needs to apologize and understand they are all still family even though the DIL wants to spend time with them separately.

Well, OK, OP you really stuck it to your DIL, so you should pat yourself on the back and feel smug. Now your son and DIL have the Ace to play ... them and your grandkids. Was it worth it to retaliate for a simple visit with her family? You may have won that battle, but guess who has all the cannons to use in the war you declared?

I kept my granddaughter for 5 years and I enjoyed every moment. I help my daughter's family when I can, but guess what, she can still entertain in her home without me. She's an adult.

Nope! Without knowing the complete story that one sentence would not have made a difference and the hiring process. Daughter-in-law is in the wrong for confronting her MIL.

This makes no sense. She didn't say someone from the school reached out to her for a reference, only that she wrote an email. O.K. And a family member as a reference? Ah.. unusual. Unless mil had a personal relationship with the recruiter, I call BS. But if it did happen, I bet this wasn't the first occasion she butted in to, which is why they said "this time".

She did not say you were not family she said they were doing dinner with just her side of the family. You got your feelings hurt for no good reason. You should have spoken to your son about your hurt feelings before acting out of spite. Now both of you have hurt feelings and lost trust in each other. Truth be told they should still be able to have private family time with both sides of the family without feelings being hurt and it doesn't mean that you aren't family or are less family. Think about how things could have been different if you would have been open about your feelings In the first place. They should have said that your daughter in-law needed time to feel still connected with her parents and a smaller family dinner is a better way to reconnect. I'm sure her family is not at every family meal you have had with them that doesn't mean that her side is less than family. I really feel that you maybe being more sensitive than needed and should analyze why you are feeling so insecure.perhaps you feel you do more for them than her family has is their some underlying resentment because of it