When a parent who abandoned their child passes away, it can trigger conflicting emotions, grief, anger, guilt, or even indifference. Many struggle with whether to attend the funeral, how to cope with family pressure, and how to process unresolved feelings of abandonment.
Hello Bright Side!
My dad lived on the other side of the world. He died two days ago. Ever since, my family has been on my case about flying over for his funeral. It’s a 20-hour flight, super expensive, and they’re all saying if I don’t go, I’ll regret it forever. To them, I’m already the bad guy for refusing.
But here’s the thing: this man walked out on me when I was 8. He packed his bags, moved abroad, and started over with a new family. He didn’t say goodbye. No phone calls, no visits. Just the occasional birthday card that I later realized wasn’t even in his handwriting. My mom raised me on her own, and I learned early on not to expect anything from him.
Now he’s gone, and his “new family” wants me to show up and act like I was part of his life. They expect me to stand there crying at his grave when he never cared enough to show up for me.
Here’s where it gets complicated. Yesterday, one of my half-siblings reached out to me privately. I was shocked when he told me they found a box of letters my dad wrote to me over the years but never sent. Apparently, his wife (their mom) kept them hidden. The letters were full of apologies, regrets, and promises that he wanted to make things right. He even said once that he’d bought tickets to visit me but never went through with it.
So now I don’t know how to feel. On one hand, I feel like I owe nothing to a man who abandoned me. On the other, what if he really did regret it and I never gave him the chance? Am I wrong for staying home, or is it okay to protect myself even if it makes me the villain?
Thank you in advance,
Kate.
Thank you for sharing your story, Kate! It takes a lot of courage to open up about something this personal. We tried to gather some pieces of advice that might help you see things from different angles. Hopefully, even if just one of them clicks, it gives you a bit of clarity or comfort moving forward.
Did any of them try to contact you when your father was alive?Do you even know them to let them guilt you? He wrote letters that he didn't mail and brought a ticket that he never used. You owe this man nothing because that's exactly what he gave you every since you were 8 years old. You definitely don't owe the steps anything but an answer to the question why now?
You got that backwards... dead people sort of lack the capacity to care who shows up. No matter who does or doesn't show, dude will have no idea, he'll just sit there and slowly decompose. You go to a funeral to show support for mourners and to receive that support from the others.
Uh, yeah? Not sure how else to think about it ... the mourners (including you) are the only ones that need the support and closure, and whatever religious reassurement they require. The time to do something for the dead person was while they were alive. They're problems are over now. They dont even know the funeral is happening.
Listen, you don’t owe your dad’s new family some big performance of grief. Funerals are for the living, not the dead. If being there would just make you feel fake or bitter, then why put yourself through it? You can grieve or not in your own way, wherever you are.
You’re not a villain for protecting yourself. Think about it: if someone treated your best friend the way your dad treated you, would you be telling them, “Oh yeah, go drop thousands of dollars and 20 hours of your life to honor him”? Probably not.
He can write all the letters and cards he wants. It means NOTHING if they're not sent. If he truly cared for you he would have sent them and try to make amends. You need to protect your heart and not put yourself through this. Block your family if you need to but put yourself first.
If the regret thing is eating at you, you don’t have to make some huge, dramatic gesture. You could do something small, light a candle, write him a letter you never sent, say what you wish you could’ve said. That’s your closure, not anyone else’s.
In the end, there’s no single “right” way to handle the loss of an absent parent. What matters most is finding peace on your own terms and allowing yourself the space to heal in a way that feels genuine.
That man was not your father. I'm a dad, and can tell you that a father could never willingly abandon a child. It doesn't matter how many undelivered letters he wrote saying he wished he was a father ... fact is, he's not.
There was no reason he couldn't reach out to you. He didn't he wrote letters he never sent to make him feel good not you. I would not go to see someone who left me that small?, started a new family and didn't even sign your birthday cards himself. You didn't need him and his new family before you certainly dont now. Remember he had all the time in the world to make amends and he didnt!
That door closed long ago, he closed it. A box of unsent letters means nothing. Sounds like a selfish individual who made poor life choices and hurt women and children. Whoever mourns him, or not, will be from his second family/life on the other side of the world. It's not your concern.
Funny how he supposedly had so much regret that he wrote all those letters but never bothered to actually send them. So I'm going to say he didn't actually regret not being part of your life that much. Or else he would have actually made the effort to drop stamp on one of the envelopes and put it in a mailbox. I wouldn't be surprised if they're actually isn't any letters to start with and it's not just your half siblings trying to guilt you into coming to the funeral because they want you there to make their fantasy that your father was a good man to all of his kids, work. I would 100% bet that all your stepmother's family and all their friends on that side of the country think that your dad was a loving caring individual, that was calling you, visiting you and sending you birthday and Christmas acknowledgments all the time. So for you to not show would ruin their lie.
