I Have Imposed My Mom Strict Household Rules If She Wants to Live Under My Roof

They say that a parent’s love is unconditional. However, how healthy is it to fulfill your role as a child and always feel like you have to repay your parents for everything they have done for you? There are some cases, like this Reddit user, where children, when they become adults, must continue to deal with toxic behavior from their parents, which is also not fair.

The situation my mother is going through is entirely her fault, which makes this even more upsetting. She and my stepfather bought a 7-bedroom house 10 years ago, right after she quit her job of 20 years to work at a start-up company that closed just 3 years later.

My stepfather spent the last years of his life in bed because he ignored all the doctors who told him to stop eating every moment of the day. So, he died weighing over 485 lbs and in misery. When he passed away earlier this year, he practically used up the last of my mother’s money and now the banks are repossessing her house.

• All electronic devices must be turned off by 6:00 PM. If I catch her using one after that time, I will take it away and sell it at the next garage sale.
• Bedtime is 7:30 PM. If I find her awake past that time, I will take all the clothes she plans to wear that week.
• She can only shower for 5 minutes once every three days.
• All household chores must be done the moment she wakes up. If I get out of bed, and they are not ready, she will not get her meals for the day.
• She must be on the lookout at all times in case my husband, or I need something. If not, she will lose the privilege of sleeping in a bed that night.
• She will be in charge of preparing a meal of my choice every day. If it is not made to my liking, she will not be allowed to join us at the table and will instead eat the cheapest package of frozen food available.
• I will be reading all her correspondence, text messages, and emails.
• She will have to drive me wherever I want in her car. In addition, she will have to pay for gas.
• And last but not least: if at any time she ever does something that displeases me, I will ask my brother to pick her up at a nearby gas station.

I don’t know where she went after she stormed out of my house. My brother called me and told me I have “the biggest balls in the family” for the stunt I pulled. Apparently, none of us want her to move into our homes. I hope she finds a nice park bench to sleep on.

Identifying toxic behaviors in parents

Parents can sometimes develop behaviors that are considered toxic. This is the case if, after interacting with them, you feel:

• Confused or unsure of yourself;
• Continually judged or blamed;
• Overwhelmed by their lack of respect;
• Manipulated into changing your behavior.

Other traits to keep in mind are:

• They can be manipulative and controlling;
• They may be critical of you, your choices, and your lifestyle;
• It may be difficult to detach emotionally from them and make your own decisions or set your own goals;
• They may constantly judge you and the people in your life, such as your friends or partner;
• They may seem too needy;
• They may not see themselves as the root of the problem;
• They may say that it is you or the other people in your life who are the problem.

How to deal with the negative behavior of our parents in adulthood?

Some ways to deal with this difficult situation are:

• Don’t blame yourself. As adults, we have more choices than we had as children, we can make our own decisions and take responsibility for their consequences. We are no longer obligated to always do what our parents tell us to do.
• Don’t try to change them. It is natural for us to want to please our parents, even in adulthood, but we must also take into account the emotional, physical, mental, financial, and spiritual efforts involved.
• You have to set boundaries. Just because they are your parents, their priorities should not take precedence over yours.
• You don’t always have to explain yourself. If you don’t keep in touch with your parents, it helps to have a short explanation if asked about it. Also, this can help you remember why you have set those boundaries, even if others don’t understand them. Likewise, you have the right to say, “I don’t want to talk about it.”
• Practice self-love. Children of toxic parents may not be used to taking care of themselves or recognizing that their needs are also important. You can start by writing in a journal to keep a dialogue with yourself and channel your emotions.

Toxic parents affect one’s adult life greatly and healing doesn’t come in a strike of willpower. But with the right approach, it may turn into a journey to restore your life for the better.