My son was just 10 when his mom and I split up. I tried my best to be there, showing up to every game, every school event, every weekend I was allowed. But no matter what I did, he kept me at arm’s length. He’d roll his eyes when I called, ignore my texts, and act like spending time with me was some kind of punishment.
Then one day, during another argument, he snapped and shouted, “I don’t need you! Stop pretending you care!” Those words hit me harder than anything I’d ever felt. I’d been trying so hard to prove that I loved him, and in that moment, it felt like he just slammed the door on everything between us. So I said something I probably shouldn’t have: “If that’s how you see it, then I don’t need to pretend to keep supporting you either.”
It wasn’t about money. It was about effort, love, and time. I’d been giving my all, and he made it clear he didn’t want it. So I stopped trying for a while. I figured maybe he needed space.
Actions do have consequences. When your son said that he didn't need you, he also meant that he doesn't want your involvement in his life. Now he has to live with the decision he made. Doesn't matter how old he was, he was old enough to decide that he didn't want you. He hasn't given you any reason to change your mind, he just wants a car and then you can go and die for all he cares.
A few months later, my stepson (from my second marriage) graduated high school. He’s a good kid, works hard, respects people, and actually appreciates what I do for him. I saved up and bought him a used car so he could drive to his college classes and his part-time job. When I gave him the keys, he hugged me tight and said, “You’re the best dad I could ever ask for.” That moment felt like pure validation, like finally someone saw my effort.
But now my ex and even my son are saying I’m being unfair, that I’m “choosing favorites.” Honestly, I don’t see it that way. I’m just giving my energy to the person who wants me around, who values me as a dad. Love isn’t something you can force, and I’m tired of feeling like the bad guy when all I ever wanted was a real connection.
— David
If he's under age he may be getting coached by your ex. If you still need to pay child support because of his age, do so without making your son feel bad. Just don't do anything extra until he is ready to have a conversation with you about what you are both feeling and expecting from this. There's not enough information to give specific advice, other than to keep nurturing your relationship with your stepson and let your bio son know that you are there when he gets ready to have a real relationship. Not one based on how much more money you spend on your other son. You are not "choosing favorites" you are simply responding,in kind, to the son that appreciates you and loves you for you.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. Parenting after divorce is rarely simple, and your feelings are completely valid. You’ve been trying to stay involved, to show love and stability, but it sounds like your son has been struggling to process the split in his own way. Children, even teens, often express pain through rejection, not because they don’t care, but because they don’t know how to deal with the loss or confusion they feel.
You did what many parents in your shoes would do: you shifted your focus toward someone who welcomes your care. That doesn’t make you cold; it makes you human. However, if you still want a relationship with your son, the best step forward might be to rebuild trust slowly. Try small, low-pressure gestures, a message, a simple invite, or even a card. Let him know the door’s still open, but that you’re done chasing.
At the same time, it’s okay to continue supporting your stepson. Love doesn’t have to be divided: it can grow. Healing takes time, and sometimes, all it takes is one quiet moment years later for a child to realize who never gave up on them.
The thing is, if he doesn't want you to be there, do that, yes. After years, he will come back and ask you "Why?" What I am trying to say here is that the mother has a vital role, talk to her
"well son you are mad when I came to your games and wanted to spend time with you, now you're mad that I'm not. What exactly is it that you want? You tell me so I know what it is you expect from me." Record it if possible. That way there's no if ands or buts that you're not doing exactly what your son has told you he needs from you. Then your ex can't use it in any way against you.
Son was taking your leaving as a personal rejection, not as something between his parents. Hence the "stop pretending you care (because if you care, you wouldnt have left me)."
So, instead of seeing a child that feels rejected, and helping him understand he is loved, you decided to confirm it by rejecting him. If he was 15, you suck. If he was 25 when you stopped, it's a little more understandable. He had time to figure some things out, and chose not to.
