I Was Joyfully Pregnant, but My Husband's Toxic Reaction Is Destroying Everything

Marriages are complicated enough, and they need lots of work and patience from both the partners to be a successful one. Even then, sometimes the best and most stable of marriages can encounter an insurmountable obstacle. Just like this Redditor, who shared a heartbreaking story of her marriage that seems to be going downhill, because of the cruel and thoughtless words of her husband.

The woman explained why she felt devastated.

I (37/F) am married to Nick (44/M), who was married to Vanessa for 5 years. My husband’s first wife died in an accident 11 years ago, leaving two kids behind. I met my husband when the kids were very young.

We started dating slowly. Nick has always been a little more distant than anyone I’d ever been with, but he and the kids lost Vanessa so young that I understood it. We dated for three years before getting married.

I’ve always had a really great relationship with the kids, Luke (15/M) and Lila (13/F), and they were happy for me to marry their dad. I had wanted an actual wedding, nothing big, but Nick really didn’t want one, so we got married at the courthouse with just Luke and Lila present. We had a really fast engagement, but it worked for all of us.

Things were going great, but there’s a twist now.

I have loved being Luke and Lila’s stepmom. When I got pregnant, I officially adopted them, and we are very close. I had my son Casey (2/M), and the kids have been so great with him. Nick was wonderful during the pregnancy and had always been a really loving dad and husband.

But Nick has been pulling away a lot the last few months. He’s been even more distant than usual and working late nights and going away with friends almost every weekend. I’ve tried talking to him, but he’s been impatient with both me and the kids.

Now, I’m pregnant again, but my husband has been acting strangely. The kids are excited to have a little sister (am now 21 weeks pregnant with a girl), but Nick just seems so indifferent to everything and everyone. He’s been missing soccer games, Lila’s birthday, doctor’s appointments, etc. Casey is too young to notice, but Luke and Lila are so hurt by their dad’s absence. These kids are so good, and they lost their mom so young, and I’m infuriated that Nick is ignoring the kids like this.

Her husband told her he wished she was dead.

Last week, I finally sat Nick down and told him that he needs to stop disappearing and be more present in our lives. We’re going to have another child soon, and before we know it, Luke and Lila will be grown up and going to college. After an hour of arguing, he screamed at me. His words devastated me, when he said that he wished Vanessa was still alive and that I had switched places with her and died instead.

He also threw in some awful comments that I need to stop pretending I’m Luke and Lila’s REAL mom and that I’m only half the mom Vanessa was. The final straw was him saying that he never even wanted any kids with me, but did it, so I’d “keep busy and leave him alone.” I’m so beyond hurt right now. I know I’m just his second choice, but I’ve always tried to honor Vanessa and tell Luke and Lila how lucky they were to have her as their mom.

I love ALL of our kids more than anything, and I’m just so heartbroken.

She requested for advice from Redditors.

Nick barely pays attention to Casey now, and doesn’t even acknowledge the pregnancy. He somewhat apologized this weekend and took all three kids to lunch, but he won’t even look me in the eye. He seems like he wants to talk, but he doesn’t say anything, and I’m too upset to even be near him.

I’m not sure where to go from here. Honestly, I can’t even be around Nick right now and if there weren’t any kids involved, I’d leave and never look back. I’m not sure if he’s cheating or the thought of a fourth child is stressing him out, but I’m devastated and not sure how or why I should save this marriage, besides doing it for the kids. Any advice is desperately needed right now.

Redditors feels there’s more to the story.

• There has got to be something else going on. Honestly, it sounds like you are describing affair behavior. Late nights, distance, missed opportunities, disappearing every weekend, blaming you. There has got to be something else going on. Unknown author / Reddit
• I lost my mother very suddenly when I was 23 years old, and if I found out my dad ever talked to his girlfriend the way your husband is speaking to you, I would be LIVID. I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel.
  Your husband obviously has something serious going on. It sounds like he’s either having mental health issues or having an affair. You need to get him to therapy asap. Those children are beyond lucky to have someone like you who cares about them. Jilltro / Reddit
• Honestly? It sounds like he might be cheating... You know why I have that feeling? Because if this really was about Vanessa, like he says it is (and all he said was cruel, so please do not take it to heart), he would be holding on to his kids with Vanessa, like there was no tomorrow.
  If this was about Vanessa and the past life, he wouldn’t be ignoring his first two kids with Vanessa. Not in a million years. They are the last real and tangible connection and memory with Vanessa, and he is treating them like a nuisance?
  Something else is going on there. And that something else smells like an affair. Also, the attitude you describe he has been showcasing as of late, are textbook affair actions. Dantanra / Reddit

Others felt the issue at hand was different.

• One thing that sticks out to me is that your child is 2 and that 11 years ago your stepdaughter would have been 2. I wouldn’t be shocked if a milestone like that has kicked up a lot of feeling about her death.
  Since this behavior has started up, have there been any other milestones (kids birthdays, deceased wife’s birthday, their anniversary of dating or marriage, when they found out they were expecting, etc.) that could have exacerbated any issues he was having? agreywood / Reddit
• Your husband sounds depressed. He is disconnecting from everyone, his perception is skewed, his emotions are volatile, he isn’t logical, he is irritable. Sounds like his mental health has gone way downhill. I would have him talk to a doctor. random989898 / Reddit
• I would guess that your husband is NOT cheating on you. He’s in pain. He’s trying to put distance between himself and the people who love him. But you present a problem.
  He can’t easily withdraw from you. His cruel words are tools to get you to “go away” on your own. He’s deliberately playing the role of the “bad guy” because it’s expedient to that end.
  I’ve done the same in personal life. I lost a child (not mine biologically, but he was a son to me). I wound up leaving my marriage and children behind. Anger can be empowering, so I let my family hate me.
  I’d worry about your husband. Try not to take his words to heart. It sounds like he’s on the edge of something very bad. binary_search_tree / Reddit

There was love and empathy for the OP.

• My first thoughts were guilt and fear. OP, you’re having kids at the same age gap as the first wife, and it feels like history is repeating itself. Nick is so terrified that he’ll have to go through that loss again, but at the same time, building a new life feels disrespectful to Vanessa. So, he lashes out at you so he’s not losing you, he’s choosing something else, and absolving his guilt about moving on at the same time.
  Obviously an awful thing to do to his wife. Absolutely not an excuse, and OP, I can’t tell you what course would make you happier long term. What I can tell you is that if I die and leave my young children without a mother, there is nothing I’d ever want more than for my babies to be loved as you have taken in Luke and Lila. I 1000% promise you that if Vanessa were able to, she’d be raging at and disgusted with Nick even more than you are. FinallyTriesHard / Reddit
• My mom died and my dad remarried. If he ever said this to my stepmom, I myself would disown him, forever, until he offered the apology of a lifetime that showed full self-awareness and shame. Grief may be the explanation for his actions, but it is not an excuse, whatsoever. race-hearse / Reddit
• He’s had it hard losing his first wife, yes. And perhaps it’s stressful and painful for him, and that is, of course, understandable. However, I cannot imagine a situation where it is EVER acceptable to tell your loving spouse that you wish she was dead instead of your late wife. This is beyond childish, this is not okay, no matter what he himself is feeling.
  Beyond this, he only KIND OF apologized? If you let him get away with this kind of behavior now without repercussion or action, then you’re only going to become his emotional punching bag. Yes, he clearly needs help of some sort, but you are not obligated to just sit back and let him treat you like garbage in the meanwhile. B****thirstyBunny / Reddit

We hope the OP found some peace and that their family life recovered from this. Here’s another story of a marriage on the rocks, that ended over nothing more than shrimp tacos.