My DIL Tried to Exclude Me—So I Served Up the Perfect Payback

Family drama often becomes messy. But that’s even more true when the drama happens between in-laws. Sometimes relationships are great but other times things can become tense. That’s especially true when one side creates invisible boundaries, as Amy has done with Julia.

One of our readers, Julia, reached out to us.

Dear Bright Side,

My son Jake married his wife Amy about 3 years ago, and everything was great. She was an amazing DIL, and I tried to be the best MIL. We got along really well and often spent time together. I was even there for her when my grandson was born, cooking, cleaning, taking care of him.

But things changed after Amy applied for a job she really wanted a few months ago. The job was at a prestigious preschool, and she needed a referral letter from someone who had ties to the school. She came to me because I was a big sponsor and had a lot of sway with the board.

Amy told me how much it would mean to her to get the job, and I agreed to do the referral. But after that day, our relationship changed. We used to speak on a daily basis, but she started cutting it down. Now I’m lucky if I speak to her once a week. We used to have a weekly family outing, but that doesn’t happen anymore either.

I was hurt by the change but told myself that she was under a lot of pressure, and it would pass once she got a job. So I started writing the referral, but I was unable to send it. Something didn’t sit right with me, so I decided to wait until I knew what was going on.

Last week I got my answer. My son invited me over to dinner, and while there he told me about the weekend getaway they had planned for the family. I was excited. It had been a while since we had done something like that, and I was eager to return to our routine.

So I offered to let them use my cabin and to help them decorate. That was when Amy said, “You’re not invited. It’s only for our real family.” I was stunned, and from the looks of it so was my son. He turned to me and said, “She means that we’ll be spending the weekend with her family, since we haven’t seen them in two years.”

Amy stared at him for a moment before saying, “No, I meant exactly what I said.” Things became really tense after that, and I saw it as my cue to leave. I haven’t heard from Amy since but my son has reached out multiple times, trying to fix things.

But I had something else in mind. I sent the referral letter and said a lot of good things about her. The only thing I mentioned that wasn’t all that great was that she preferred to spend time with her ’real family’ over her in-laws. And because of that, she got turned down.

Now she’s claiming that I’m trying to hurt her because she wanted one weekend alone with her family. She seems to have forgotten about everything else that happened before that.

So Bright Side, was I wrong? Should I just have given her everything she wanted even though it cost us our relationship?

Regards,
Julia G.

Thank you for reaching out to us and sharing your story. We understand how difficult situations like these can be so we’ve put together a few tips that might help.

Be the bigger person.

Remember that this isn’t just about you and Amy. Your son and grandchildren are a part of this argument too. And fights like these often lead to resentment, which can have a negative impact on the rest of your family. So extend an olive branch and make peace with your DIL because you don’t want to lose everyone you care about because of a little spat.

Think about the consequences.

In-law dynamics are complex and someone often ends up getting hurt. But by taking your anger out in the way you did, you affected Amy’s future, not just the present. That referral could end up costing her everything she has worked for over the years. It could destroy her career. So understand that she has a right to be upset and work toward fixing that.

Do the right thing.

An apology is just the first step in fixing what was broken, you need more drastic actions. Be calm and courageous, call the school and tell them you’ve made a mistake. Send the referral you would’ve sent before all this happens and ask them to give her another chance. Amy doesn’t deserve to lose everything because of this. And you shouldn’t be the one forcing her to give it all up.

In situations like these, the lines often get blurred and feelings get in the way. But it’s important to understand that not everything is always as it seems. There might be something else going on, and your feelings might end up causing more harm than good.
If you enjoyed this story, why don’t you take a look at another letter we received: I Stopped Paying My DIL’s Medical Bills—I’m Not Her ATM Anymore.