Joanna was excited for a relaxing retirement, but when her daughter-in-law showed up with a list of chores, she knew she’d have to think quickly, what Joanna did next left her DIL speechless.
Dear Bright Side,
I want to share something that’s been on my mind since I retired, because I can’t shake the mix of pride and unease it left me with.
The day after my farewell party at work, when everyone hugged me and told me to enjoy sleeping in, my daughter-in-law showed up at my door. She was smiling, holding a handwritten note. I thought maybe it was a sweet message or even a card. But when I opened it, I realized it was a list of chores. Cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and even ironing my son’s shirts. She said brightly, “Now that you’re retired, you can finally help us out and stay useful. It’s about time.”
I was dumbfounded. For decades, I had raised kids, managed a household, and held a full-time job I was proud of. Retirement, for me, was supposed to mean freedom. A chance to paint again, to read by the window in the morning sun, maybe even travel. Not to suddenly take on a second shift as the family housekeeper.
But I didn’t argue. I just smiled and said, “Of course, I’ll start next week. Why don’t you pick me up?” She looked so pleased, as though everything had worked out exactly as she planned. And she does plan... with ruthless efficiency. There’s a part of me that admires that about her, but in that moment, it also made me feel cornered.
All week long, I replayed the conversation in my head. The more I thought about being handed bags of laundry and stacks of dishes, the more it gnawed at me. I had worked too hard for too many years to let my retirement be written out by someone else.
I knew she would show up the next week, eager to hand over her chores, and I pictured her at my door bright and early, list in hand, expecting me to be there. But when she knocked (I assume), I wasn’t home. I’m guessing that it was a few minutes after she knocked that my phone rang. When I picked up, I spoke calmly. “I’m not home. I’m at my new condo by the ocean, where I’ll actually enjoy my retirement.” The silence on the other end was almost comical. I could almost hear her jaw hitting the floor.
In that moment, I felt triumphant. I had managed to stay one step ahead this time.
But as the thrill of surprising her wore off, a feeling of doubt crept in. I keep asking myself, was it the right way to handle things?
Sincerely,
Joanna
Thank you, Joanna, for sharing your experience with us. It’s not easy being faced with unexpected “to-do lists” in retirement, especially when the line between family help and personal freedom gets blurred. For you, and others dealing with similar situations, check out our advice section below for tips on handling these tricky moments.
The problem with today's generation is that they're lazy and entitled. They need to be reminded that no one helped you when you had small children, cooking and house cleaning all at the same time. Remind spoiled dil that if you did it on your own she can too. Also remind her that she still has your son to help.
Just make sure to buy yourself that beachfront condo! That way, you'll also be spending your retirement income on yourself rather than leaving it to your son in your will. After all, you can't enjoy his inheritance when you're dead!
The right way to handle it would have been to invite her inside when she handed you the list. Once you read it you should have handed it back and told her these are all things I managed on my own when my children were small. I'm sure you and my son will manage this list just as well as I did. AND by the way dear DIL, I don't appreciate the comments about finally be useful. Then I'd of shown her the door
Ignore the stupid advice. Your Dil and son are, supposedly, adults. They can, like you did, figure out their own life. Do not give them your address, do not invite them for a weekend. They'll be showing up, expecting you to wait on them and babysit the whole time. Enjoy your life ♥️
The advice given is ridiculous!! The daughter in law needs to take a HUGE step back!!
You son and Dil chores is not your responsibility. They want housekeeper, they pay for one. You worked hard and enjoy your retirement. It's important to take care of yourself.
Well, that was a bit passive aggressive. Probably better to let her vent and present you with the list and kindly but firmly remind her that you retired so you could pursue some activities that you haven't had time to do and they're important to you. You appreciate how busy her life must be but you're not looking to take on another full time job. You may need to remind your son of this as well. If you can afford it and WANT to perhaps a gift certificate for a housekeeping service for twice a month cleaning for a finite amount of time. Or not. Your son and DIL's chores are their responsibility not yours.
DIL will complaining to your son. Tell him did he still respect you as mother or want your inheritance or not ? Be prepared, someone who already pension usually will get abused by their children, mainly SIL or DIL or both
Joanna, try to approach your daughter-in-law’s actions with a more generous interpretation. Instead of assuming she’s trying to impose on you, consider that she might simply be trying to manage her own busy life and expectations. Her approach, though blunt, might come from a place of wanting to keep things organized.
By shifting your perspective, you may find it easier to approach her with kindness and understanding. This could help foster a more respectful and supportive relationship, ultimately easing any tension and allowing you to enjoy your retirement without unnecessary conflict.
Once again, Bright Side foists the responsibility for the problem into the LW.
While it’s tempting to escape to your new condo whenever things get overwhelming, you can’t avoid every situation. It’s important to learn how to say no more directly and without guilt. You’ve already given plenty, and it’s okay to refuse tasks without feeling like you’re letting anyone down.
Start small by politely declining some requests, and understand that your daughter-in-law may not always express gratitude. With practice, you’ll become more comfortable saying no when needed, while still maintaining a positive relationship without feeling taken for granted.
It’s important to speak up if something feels off. Share how you’re feeling with your daughter-in-law and pay attention to how she reacts. If she listens and tries to work things out, that shows she respects you. But if she just brushes off what you say or doesn’t make an effort, it could be a sign you’re being taken for granted.
Think about where you stand in her life. If you’re always giving and not feeling appreciated, ask yourself if you’re okay with that. You deserve respect and care, so don’t hesitate to put yourself first.
If you’re finding yourself in a similar situation, it’s important to recognize when you’re being expected to give more than you should. For more insight on handling difficult family relationships, check out this article.
If I got a list like that, I better be living there to. I have already explained to my children I do not have slave imprinted on my forehead. I will do things out of love, if I see you struggling I will be right their helping you.
