I Refuse to Pay for My Daughter’s College, She Hasn’t Worked for Anything in Her Life

Many families face tension when children reach college age and expectations clash over tuition, financial support, and independence. When past struggles, generational trauma, and money collide, parents and young adults can find themselves navigating emotional conflicts with no clear right answer.

Giana’s story:

<strong>Hey, Bright Side!

So, some background. I grew up really poor. No safety net, no help.

I worked two jobs, took out loans, and clawed my way through college on my own. It sucked, but I did it. I always told myself it made me tougher, or at least that’s what I say when I’m trying to justify it to myself.

Fast forward to now. I’m doing okay, but I’m not rich by any stretch. Bills, mortgage, life stuff. My daughter just turned 18 and got into a decent college. I’m proud of her, genuinely.

Then came the money talk. She basically assumed I’d be paying for everything. Tuition, housing, meal plan, books—all of it.

When I told her I couldn’t do that and that she’d need to apply for scholarships, grants, or maybe work part-time like I did, she absolutely lost it. “I didn’t ask to be born, you OWE me this!” she yelled. Like full-on screaming at me.

That one hit harder than I expected. I shut down, told her the conversation was over, and went to bed feeling like absolute trash.

The next day, she hands me her phone and says, “Grandma wants to talk to you.” It’s my mom. She tells me she’s going to pay for everything so my daughter “doesn’t have to suffer” and so she can “fix her mistakes” with me.

For context, my mom did not help me at all when I was younger. Emotionally or financially. We’ve got history.

I froze. I didn’t even know what to say. Part of me is relieved. Part of me is angry. Part of me feels like I’m being painted as the bad guy all over again.

Now my daughter is barely speaking to me, my mom is acting like some kind of savior, and I’m sitting here wondering if I’m actually just repeating the cycle in a different way.

So...am I a bad mom for telling my kid to figure it out like I did? Should I have handled this differently, or am I being guilt-tripped from all sides here? I honestly don’t know anymore.

Thanks,
Giana

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us, Giana! More than anything, thank you for trusting us with something this personal.

• You’re allowed to feel two opposite things at once — Listen, it’s completely normal that you feel relieved and pissed and guilty about your mom offering to pay. That doesn’t make you fake or selfish.
  Before you react or decide anything, give yourself a day or two to just sit in that mess. Don’t rush to “resolve” it emotionally. Sometimes naming the feelings (“this part of me is relieved, this part feels undermined”) takes the edge off enough to think clearly.
• Just because you survived something doesn’t mean it was ideal — You worked hard, and that deserves respect. Full stop. But here’s the annoying gray area: surviving something doesn’t automatically make it the gold standard.
  You’re not wrong for wanting her to build independence, and she’s not wrong for wanting support. The real work is figuring out where “help” ends and “entitlement” begins, together, not in a shouting match.
• You’re not a bad parent for not knowing what to do — Real talk: the fact that you froze instead of exploding says a lot about you, in a good way. This is complicated, emotional, and tied to old wounds. Anyone who says there’s an obvious right answer is lying. You’re allowed to take your time, ask for input, and change your mind as things unfold.

Situations like these can also open the door to healthier conversations, clearer boundaries, and stronger understanding between generations. With honesty, patience, and support, families often find a path that balances independence with care and growth.
Read next: I Refuse to Let My Sister Get Away Without Repaying My Money, I’m Not Charity