Family relationships can be full of love, but also full of complicated feelings. What starts as a special moment can turn into something painful because of misunderstandings. One reader shared a story about how choosing a name for her baby hurt another special woman in her life: her mother.
Hi Bright Side!
I think I totally messed up my relationship with my mother without even knowing. It’s partially her fault, too, not going to lie, but I still feel like we’ll never bounce back after this.
When I found out I was pregnant, my mom was the first person I told. I was sooo excited! She was so happy for me, too, she started jumping like a child. I thought she was going to burst. I got emotional seeing her so excited.
But things started to change as time went on. When I was 6 months pregnant, my mom started hinting that I should name the baby after her. I love my mom, but I wouldn’t like to name my kid after her, though. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a great woman, and we have an amazing relationship.... for the most part.
You see, at times, she can be emotionally manipulative and dramatic. Mind you, this isn’t the first time she tried to emotionally pressure me into doing something her way. I went to the school she wanted, in the city she wanted. For years, I’ve worn only a haircut she approved of.
But this time it wasn’t just about me, it was about my daughter, too. Also, her name is Linda, and I didn’t like how it sounded with my last name. So I chose Camila. It’s soft, but strong, and I don’t know, it feels right.
But when I told my mom, she stared at me and said, “You’ll regret this. Your child isn’t even worthy of the name!” I laughed.
I thought she was joking. Or that she was guilt-tripping me. But she hasn’t spoken to me in 4 weeks. Over a name, really?
My cousin called me last week to check on me and right before she hung up she said, “You know why she’s really mad, right?” Well, apparently, my mom had a daughter before me. Which was a stillbirth.
She named her Camila. And never told me. Not once. I never, ever heard of this from other relatives. I was actually a bit upset over the fact that everyone in the family seemed to know, apart from me.
She thought I had chosen that name on purpose to “mock her pain.” It was such a blow for me. I’ve felt sick to my stomach ever since. Should I change the name? But I like it, and so does my husband...
Should I ask her about it? I don’t want to hurt her, though. I don’t know how to approach this. And to be honest, I don’t even know who to blame right now.
Let me know what you think,
Danielle M.
Dear reader, thank you for sharing. What you’re describing isn’t a conventional family conflict. It’s a truly delicate issue that affects multiple people from your inner circle. Here’s what we think might help.
Change the baby’s name. That’s too much to handle. Your mom didn’t tell you about the baby she lost for obvious reasons. Too much trauma, didn’t want you to feel guilty somehow. I’m so sorry. It’s extra weird that the name came up for both of you. You can help. Talk to your mom.
When you feel ready, reach out and tell her what you learned from your cousin. Let her know you had no idea and that the name was chosen simply because you loved it. Be honest about how shocked and sad you felt when you found out.
Give her a chance to share her side if she wants to, but don’t push her if she isn’t ready. Sometimes just knowing you care can help her soften over time.
This is your baby, so the decision should be between you and your husband. Talk through how much the name means to you both and how you would feel if you changed it.
If you keep it, explain to your mom that it comes from a place of love, not harm. If you change it, let it be because you truly want to, not because you feel pressured. Either way, it should feel right for your little family.
Her silence is hard, but it may be her way of dealing with emotions she has kept inside for years. She may need space before she can see past the pain and connect with you again. Let her know the door is open, and you’re willing to talk when she’s ready. In the meantime, focus on your own well-being and the joy of welcoming your baby.
As always, with time, patience, and honest talks, it’s possible to start healing. If you liked this story, you might enjoy this article about a woman who refused to forgive her mom after being shamed for her parenting.
My mother named me after her mother. I hated the name never went by it. When I got the chance I changed my name legally. Name your child what you want to name her. If your mother decides that she's going to pout for the rest of your daughter's life let her. The story of s stillborn child maybe another manipulative tactic she got people to tell you. If it bothers you that the name is similar try a version like Camilla or camile/camille.
This is why families like mine who don't talk about anything important fall apart. Obviously she wouldn't have chosen the name if she knew about deceased sibling. I've gotten all the family history, and anything one would see as discussion worthy, from one liners tossed off while speaking about inconsequential things. "Yeah everyone on your dad's side of family was an alcoholic." What? "You don't remember grandparents cracking a beer at the breakfast table while camping?" No, or i thought it was a camping thing when young. You sit there stunned for a minute. Then wish someone had talked with you before you had your first drink, before trying drugs, and 10 years later going to rehab. Kids attribute everything as normal until shown or told it isn't.
Talk to your mom. Privately, not in public. Let her know that you understand now, you did not know and never meant to hurt or bring up a wound you never knew existed. If everyone knew and you didn't, she is taking a very unfair stance, esp while you are pregnant. All in all, it is your child, and she is your mom. You cannot be held accountable or at fault if you didn't know. Level w your mom. If she still doesn't want to hear you put, she's emotionally immature. Losing a child is a deep wound, and never heals. Maybe this can help bring you closer, and explain her behavior. Not excuse it.
Change the name, but don't tell anyone until after the baby is born. Names should be held close to the vest. Less potential drama and manipulation.
Sorry, don't agree. Her baby, her choice. She's not mocking her mother
