I Chose My Daughter Over My Stepson — I’m a Father First, Stepfather Second

2 months ago

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I Chose My Daughter Over My Stepson — I’m a Father First, Stepfather Second

Relationships aren’t always easy. That is especially true when there are stepchildren involved. It might feel great to expand your family so drastically, but what happens when the kids aren’t accepted? One of our readers reached out with their story.

Oliver told us what happened.

© Drazen Zigic / Freepik

Sir, run with your daughter and don't look back. You might wanna try with her mom again. JS

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Dear Bright Side,

I have a 5-year-old daughter from a previous relationship, and my wife has a 9-year-old son. My wife has fully custody, but I don’t so I promised my daughter that we’d do something special for her birthday. Last weekend she came for her birthday surprise and I took her on a Disney trip.

It wasn’t easy for me to arrange because I don’t earn much, and I could barely get a day off, but even with those struggles, I wanted her to have this. She was a huge fan of the enterprise, and I wanted to do something I knew she wouldn’t forget. So I planned for months and finally managed to pull it off.

During the week, my wife found out about it and I could tell she wasn’t happy. But I explained that I had made a promise and my daughter wanted to spend time with me, something we don’t get to do often. I felt that it was only fair for the two of us to enjoy her birthday alone, since that was what she wanted.

Then my wife did something I didn’t expect. She smiled and said, “Father-daughter time matters. Next time, bring my son too, please.” I swallowed my pride and admitted that I couldn’t afford to take the whole family to Disney. I had to put in weeks worth of overtime just to take my daughter.

© freepik / Freepik

Hhmmm, my daughter lived with her mother for 15 years and 4 months.
Her mother had kids for another man who's now late. When I decided to be taking proper care of my daughter, she refused, saying the kids she had with her late husband too her my responsibility, I said I couldn't afford to carry such responsibility. She wouldn't have that from and was also looking for ways to become my wife. We ain't living together. We later had misunderstandings with the way she maltreat her and she threw my child's bags out.
It was a prayer answered as I want my child to have the best of care I can give to her. This woman have been looking for ways to be talking to me.

But NO.

You can do whatever you like to me, but not to my child

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She simply said, “If we’re not as important as your daughter, maybe we should just leave. If you could make a plan for her, you could make one for us too.” I was horrified by the side of my wife that I was seeing. She had never been like this before, and she always does things with her son without us.

So I couldn’t understand why she was making such a big issue out of this. I never complained when she took her son to her family for the holidays or when my daughter wasn’t invited to his birthday parties.

In a moment of anger, I said, “My daughter will always come first to me, just like your son does for you. If you can’t accept that, maybe you should leave.” That was when everything broke, but I never expected my wife to go this far.

Yesterday, my daughter came to me trembling and said, “Dad, your wife is trying to keep us away from each other. She called mom and told her that I wasn’t welcome here anymore because I’m stealing you from your new family.”

© Drazen Zigic / Freepik

Hhmmm, my daughter lived with her mother for 15 years and 4 months.
Her mother had kids for another man who's now late. When I decided to be taking proper care of my daughter, she refused, saying the kids she had with her late husband too her my responsibility, I said I couldn't afford to carry such responsibility. She wouldn't have that from and was also looking for ways to become my wife. We ain't living together. We later had misunderstandings with the way she maltreat her and she threw my child's bags out.
It was a prayer answered as I have been looking for ways to be talking to me.

But NO.

You can do whatever you like to me, but not to my child.

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I was furious, so I called my ex-wife and she confirmed it. She said my wife called her the night before and asked her not to allow my daughter to come over. She told my ex we ’need some space between us,’ and it might be best if she thought about enrolling my daughter in a boarding school.

Without saying a word, I walked to my bedroom and packed her stuff. When she got home, I told her that she needed to leave my house and that she wasn’t welcome back. She tried to argue, but nothing she said could fix the damage she had done.

This morning, she sent me a message saying that I had played into my daughter’s hands. She accused my daughter of tearing us apart and called me a puppet. So Bright Side, is she right? Should I have been more considerate?

Regards,
Oliver D.

Thank you for reaching out to us, Oliver. We understand how difficult this situation must be for you, so we’ve put together a few tips that might be helpful.

Protect your daughter’s emotional safety and document what happened.

© freepik / Freepik

Omg she's fucking 5!! How can a 5 yr be a calculated manipulater? Your wife is insane I'd be calling an divorce attorney ASAP! She bluffed and now can't take the results! I love that you chose your daughter over this creep!!

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Your wife has shown you who she is. BELIEVE her. Glad you got her out of the house. Divorce in this case is your best choice.

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Op NTA she very much ,is , YOU NEVER AS A STEP PARENT (or a parent ) try to keep kids apart from their own parents EVER ,n I am a step parent , and a mother , you daughter comes first to you , as it should be , but her attitude is kick your daughter out the house for life , evil evil woman !! Glad you kicked her out , n your little girl didn’t split the family up SHE DID !!

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You needed to do exactly what you have done so far. I'm not sure if by "playing into your daughter's hands" she is accusing your ex and daughter of actually lying about your wife calling them and saying all that or not. Either way your wife is being absolutely unreasonable with her jealousy when it comes to individual father daughter time comparing it to family together time. You need to stay your ground in my opinion and make the separation from her legal

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You and new wife is not a family, just man women stay together. Because both of u not treating both kids as your own. And also didn't discuss things as family

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She was out of line calling your ex and suggesting less time for you and your daughter. Suppose you did that to her and her ex. Now the separation with birthdays is crazy if you're trying to be a family. There might be some things you do separately, there should be some you do together. You should have explained to both what the family dynamic would look like once you got married.

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Sorry, whilst your wife might err a little more than you, it seems to me that the mere fact you've both been entertaining your own children separately, shouts that you've been two families living together. The children go to their own parent only and not the other; that's the core of all the problems suffered by you, your wife and both children.

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You are very wrong. His daughter should not be punished my the evil step mother. Oh wait, YOU ARE THE EVIL STEPMOTHER/STEPFATHER type

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Ummmmm Nope your new wife was WAY out of line. You probably could have talked to her about you taking your daughter to Disney for her birthday so she knew from the get go and not felt blindsided days before. There's nothing wrong with you just taking your daughter especially when you worked OT to afford it. I could see her wanting you to take your step son IF she had contributed to your day with your daughter. Sounds like she resents your daughter hence not including her with your step son's birthdays and spending time with just her son. She was out of line telling your ex your daughter wasn't welcome in your house; sounds like it was yours before you got married to current spouse, and telling her you need space and put your daughter into boarding school. The audacity she has to expect you to put her and her son before your daughter is mind boggling. You were a father first before her husband. I don't understand the parents who don't accept their spouses kids as theirs. You'd think you would want your partner to treat your kid(s) like they treat their own and vice versa otherwise it's not going to work

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Your second wife is acting manipulative, blended families rarely blend. I’m sorry you’re placed in such a predicament. Always put your daughter first.

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You did the right thing. You new EX-Wifw had no business contacting your daughter's mother and telling her she's causing issues. You also should have addressed your Soon to be ex wife's behavior of not inviting your daughter to her son's parties. Good to see you finally Grew a pair. Let'em Hang!!

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Mr., it doesn’t sound like you’re capable of making good decisions. When you have a blended family, you’re just that there is no difference in birth children versus stepchildren. You have to love them the same. But your trip to Disneyland wasn’t your first bad decision. Prior to getting hooked up with a selfish woman you call your second wife was a really bad. You probably should stay single at least till your daughter’s grown and maybe for at least 10 years after.

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Someone clearly didn't understand the new wife was 100% in the wrong here. He planned and worked for months to give his daughter a special birthday, his new wife acted like he purposely excluded her son, which he absolutely did not, while she did actively exclude his daughter from various events, but he's the bad guy?? The soon to be new ex wife seems very entitled and mean towards the daughter.

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I don't think that parents should remarry until the kids (all of them) are adults. But YOU CALLING HIM NAMES makes YOU SOUND INCAPABLE. Incapable of understanding or empathy. This father couldn't afford to take both kids and he made the decision to give his 5year old the birthday she wanted. Hard choice, but the Stepmother blew it ALL OUT OF PROPORTION AND OVERSTEPPED. SHE is at fault for this one. And THIS is the story we are responding to. You sound like you are projecting, based on your experiences, and it just doesn't fit, here.

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Excuse you! You are wrong. Shut up unless you know what the f you are speaking of. When. His currant wife called the xwife and said his daughter is no longer wanted, that was wrong. You can't understand normal thinking

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Your daughter is 5 and your wife is a psycho.

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Your daughter is 5? Oh yeah, SHE IS THE MASTERMIND! While I know that her mother (your ex) COULD be coaching her, it is pretty unlikely in this case, IMO. You and your wife BOTH MARRIED SOMEONE WHO ALREADY HAS A CHILD, and she can't expect you to put her or her child first. Just like you don't expect her to ignore her son for you! The issue of the fair treatment of each other's kids will ALWAYS BE AN ISSUE. She (your wife) doesn't seem to respect you or what you are going through to maintain a relationship with your daughter. She is younger and you are trying your best to let her know that her daddy is there for her. Even if that means NOT including your stepson, sometimes. If he lives with you full-time then you are already spending more time with him than you are with your own kid. Does your wife work? Are you covering All of the expense of raising her son, too? I'm sorry that you couldn't take him to DL, for HIS sake, NOT your wife's. You did nothing wrong and pretty much everything right in this situation. Regardless, she NEVER SHOULD HAVE CONTACTED YOUR EX UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. If you let her get away with it, she will be bolder and more demanding every time she doesn't like what you are doing. Keep your daughter CLOSE, and send your wife away. Or your wife will keep trying to send your daughter away.

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Your daughter is young and impressionable. Hearing that your wife tried to send her to boarding school and told her mother she “wasn’t welcome” is traumatic and could deeply affect her trust in adults. You did the right thing by standing up for her, but now it’s about ensuring stability going forward. Keep written records of what your wife said and did (texts, call logs, messages from your ex confirming the conversation). If custody ever comes into question, you’ll need to demonstrate that you acted to protect your child, not to retaliate.

Reframe your boundaries before rebuilding any relationship.

© Drazen Zigic / Freepik

So when you marry the families need to blend. If they do not, that is a red flag, firstly. The new mom or dad and new siblings have to be accepted by yours and visa versa. If she is doing mom son days then it is equally fair for you to do father daughter days. You can plan to make everyone together at a different time. Your new wife has alternate rules. She and her son are always first, no one else. Which is fine if they stay the two of them alone. For her to do what she did, you did not go too far. You need to take it a step farther. Divorce. It is sad but she is very manipulative and arrogant. For her to treat a child in this manner is unacceptable. You did the right thing and I think you already know you did, you just want confirmation. Follow your instincts. You are doing very well.

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It sounds like your wife’s anger came from comparison. She viewed your father-daughter time as competition. That’s a sign of emotional insecurity, not a reasonable request. Before considering reconciliation, make it clear that your child is not negotiable.

Don’t let guilt rewrite what actually happened.

© freepik / Freepik

Don't even CONSIDER a reconciliation!! Let her stay wherever she went when you kicked her out! Even if she "promises" to change, DO NOT BELIEVE HER!! she will do and say things to your daughter that will crush her! You will not, and should not, trust her ever again, and tell your ex wife to block her from any further communication.

Also, tell your daughter's school, that she is not to have ANY contact with your daughter, nor make any decisions regarding her care, education, or welfare...ever. that woman is a monster!!

Take care of your baby. PERIOD!

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Your wife’s message accusing you of being “a puppet” is an emotional manipulation tactic. She’s trying to shift the narrative from her betrayal to your supposed weakness. Resist the urge to second-guess yourself. You made a thoughtful, months-long plan for your daughter’s birthday. You didn’t exclude anyone out of spite. You fulfilled a promise. Remind yourself that fairness doesn’t always mean everyone gets the same thing; sometimes it means everyone gets what they need most.

Oliver finds himself in a very difficult situation that he probably won’t get out of. It seems like his wife will keep trying to force him to pick between her and his daughter. But he isn’t the only one who has problems with a stepchild.

Another one of our readers reached out and shared their story. Read the full version here: My Stepson Said I’m Not His Real Dad, So I Taught Him a Lesson He Won’t Forget.

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Omg boarding school she's freaking FIVE!! Wow you picked a winner with that loser!! Your wife is disgusting time for her AND her kid to go! I can see her pushing your daughter away. Also why TF hasn't your ex slapped the ever living shite out of her?? If my ex's woman called me and said this she'd have a lot more than a black eye!! RUN from that evil wench!! Choose YOUR daughter!!

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A say this is fake. What 5 year old talks like that. 🙄

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She crossed a line. Plain and simple. You protected your daughter snd your relationship with your daughter against an even greater evil.

I am proud of you.

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