The choice of whether a partner will take the other’s last name can hold significant personal and cultural weight. However, when this decision becomes a battleground for control and manipulation, it transforms a deeply personal choice into a source of conflict and distress.
Last December, my fiancé (m25) and I (f23) became engaged. The engagement itself was very unexpected, and felt very sudden, as we had only been dating for 2 years since. However, I accepted, as I love him, and I couldn’t imagine a future without him in it.
Since our engagement, we’ve had several wedding-related conversations, and I’ve expressed to him numerous times that I would like to keep my maiden name, and not adopt his. The reason for this is that my parents never had any sons, and I am an only child. I want to carry on the family name for my parents, and I want my children to have the choice of which last name they want to go by and/or both. I’ve expressed all of this to my fiancé, and he complied and reassured me that he was ok with my decision on the matter.
As the wedding drew closer, I received a call from the cake planner last night regarding our cake, which we had met with him and designed a few weeks prior. He informed us that he had a sample prepared for us to come and see, so we drove there the next morning to sample it.
Needless to say, I was a bit shocked when he pulled out the cake, which had the words “Mr. And Mrs. Smith” (my husband’s last name) printed on top. Thinking it was an accident, (though I had strictly told him just to write ‘Mr and Mrs’ on the cake), I asked him to correct it for the final wedding cake for our wedding, which was in two weeks. He informed me that my fiancé had called him yesterday morning and had asked him to include “Smith” on top, along with the previous initials.
On the car ride home, my fiancé informed me that he was not comfortable with me keeping my last name and that he had had a conversation with his mother two days prior, in which she informed him it was “feminine, weak, and woke” for him to comply to my wishes, and that he was signing himself up for a toxic marriage. Talking with the rest of the wedding planning staff, I found out he also instructed that the table centerpieces, official handouts, etc. all be changed to have “Mrs and Mr Smith” on them instead of our separate last names, with the help from his mother.
After our argument, I informed him that I would call off the wedding if he did not comply with my wishes and that I didn’t want his mother attending our wedding ceremony either way. He moved out and refused to talk to me since. Was I wrong?
Yesterday evening, I made the decision to text my fiancé and call off the wedding. I texted him the following message:
“Hey. I just wanted to let you know that the wedding is off. Please inform your relatives/friends that the only Mrs. Smith they will find standing near the aisle will be your mom. I will mail back your ring to your mother’s address, but please do not get in touch with me after this.”
I didn’t expect to receive a call from his MOTHER an hour later, who ran her mouth at me over the phone, called me names, and informed me that she was going to make my life a living hell for what I did to her son.
I already made plans to change my lock and install a front porch camera, but should I be doing anything else to protect myself? I am also receiving nasty messages from my ex fiancé’s friends, threatening me for my decision.
I will plan to donate any/all food to a nearby homeless shelter. I will also contact any of my own friends/family about the cancellation and give my best explanation, as well as canceling the venue, photographer, etc.
In the end, the decision to take a partner’s last name should be a mutual and respectful agreement, reflecting the values and identities of both individuals. When faced with manipulation and coercion, it becomes essential to recognize and assert one’s own boundaries and desires.
I definitely think you did the right thing and I might even consider a restraining order against both your former fiancé and mother. This was only a sign of worse things to come, had you stayed with him. Everything would go his way and you would not be able to have an opinion on anything eventually. Also, the fact that he didn't even discuss the change with you probably means he's a control freak.
