I’m (29F) due in November with our first baby. We planned a small, mixed baby shower at a local village hall: some nibbles, silly games, and a couple of speeches. My husband and I paid for most of it, and my MIL chipped in for desserts. It wasn’t anything extravagant, but it was our little celebration.
A week before the shower, my brother (26M) texted asking if he could propose to his girlfriend during the party because “the whole family will be there.” I told him no. I said I’d be thrilled to help plan something special, literally any other day, but I really wanted to keep the shower about the baby.
He kicked off a bit and got my mom involved, who said it would be “so lovely” and “two birds, one stone.” I said no again and thought that was the end of it.
On the day, during the toasts, my mom called my brother up “to say a few words.” He started chatting about love and family, and I saw him pat his pocket. He turned to his girlfriend and started to go down on one knee.
I stood up, walked over, took the mic (not yanking it, I’m being honest), and said, “Hey, we love you guys, but we’re not doing this today. Let’s please keep today focused on the baby. We’ll help you celebrate properly soon, I promise.”
The room went dead quiet. His girlfriend looked mortified and ran to the bathroom. My brother got angry, said I’d embarrassed him, and left. The rest of the shower was awkward.
Afterwards, a few family members said I did the right thing and that proposals at other people’s events are tacky. Others said I should have just let it happen and not caused a scene.
Your brother is the proverbial Golden Child and you are the Scapegoat. It is what it is. He asked you a question to which you laid down a boundary and then he was going to do it anyways? And, your mother supported it? Bullshit. They will always side with each other regardless of how wrong it is so heed my warning and limit their time with your child. You'll be sorry otherwise...
That night, the family group chat blew up. My mom said I was “controlling” and that she’d cleared a “surprise moment” with the venue (as if that’s the point?). I said I’d already told them both no, and that consent matters for parties, too.
My brother said I ruined his big moment and that his girlfriend had planned to fly her sister over next month, so this was the only time everyone was together. I told him we would have all turned up for him whenever he asked.
Here’s where I might be the bad guy: the next morning, I sent my brother an itemized request to cover half of the hall hire and the extra drinks package, since he tried to, in his words, “make it our day too.” I said if he wanted to use the party as his proposal venue, he could help pay for it.
He hasn’t paid (obviously) and now says I’m being petty and tight. I know sending a bill looks bad, but I was so hurt that he and my mom ignored a boundary I’d clearly set.
Good job sis teach your brother not to try and take over with his proposal at your baby shower that's messed up. And after all that and your mom agreed that he should do the proposal at your baby shower I would tell your mom that I don't want her there at the hospital when the baby comes until you see fit for her to see the baby
Smart move to send him a bill to cover half the costs. Doubt he'll pay but well done.
No, you had already given your answer. Your mother and your brother should be ashamed of themselves for trying to hijack the event for her grandchild and neice/nephew. Asked them if you can have another baby shower on the day he wants to propose.
I always think that people that propose at weddings/showers should pay half. If they want to hijacks someone else's special day then they need to pay for it. So, good for you!
Since then, his girlfriend messaged me privately to apologize and said she had no idea he was planning to do it there. She also said she doesn’t want their proposal tied to the memory of my baby shower anyway, which I totally understand and was grateful for. I told her I was sorry for how awkward it was and would love to help them plan something nice later on.
So, am I wrong for taking the mic, shutting him down, and sending the invoice? If you were at a party and someone tried this, would you just let it happen or step in politely? What’s a better way I could have handled it in the moment?
I’m definitely willing to make up; I just don’t want to set a precedent that my “no” doesn’t actually mean anything.
No you did the right thing and I like the way you did it straight into the point which you did that before when you said no and that's the way he should have left it
Family dynamics are complicated, especially when emotions run high. But sometimes, saying “no” is the only way to protect your own milestones. If you’ve ever had to deal with family drama stealing your moment, you’re not alone. And you might want to check out this article about when loved ones cross the line and how to handle it with grace.
It amuses me that his excuse was the whole family would be there... Because the whole family wasn't there. His girlfriend, the woman he was proposing to and thus the woman that the evening should have been about didn't have her family there. You are in-laws, your husband's family were there to celebrate the shower of their relatives baby. So his defense actually makes no sense. He wanted it to be about family, but the family of his soon to be fiance wasn't important and his brother-in-law's family who are basically strangers to him was the other half of the guest list.
Your mom and your brother are complete (insert pejorative here). Return the favour at your brother's wedding - make your own announcement. He shouldn't have an issue with it considering he was all for hijacking your event.
