I Refused to Be a Free Babysitter for My DIL’s Kids

Nearly half of grandparents provide free childcare for over 12 hours per week, according to a study. Many working parents rely on their parents to help with childcare while they are at work. One of our readers reached out because she felt her daughter-in-law was taking advantage of her by asking to babysit without any payment. Unsure of what to do, she wrote to Bright Side seeking advice.

Thank you, Helen, for sharing your story with us. We understand that maintaining a good relationship with your daughter-in-law while standing up for yourself can be challenging. We also recognize that your words about your grandson and her other children may have been misunderstood. We hope our advice helps you find a way forward.

Communicate openly with your son and DIL.

Open communication is key to resolving misunderstandings in any family dynamic. Arrange a calm and private setting to discuss the situation with both your son and DIL. Start by expressing your love and care for the family, emphasizing that you never intended to create tension.

Clearly explain your reasoning—whether it’s your physical limitations, energy levels, or other challenges—so they understand your perspective. Encourage them to share their feelings as well, and actively listen without interrupting.

Show that you care for all the kids.

Actions can speak louder than words, especially when it comes to showing affection. Even if you’re unable to babysit all the children regularly, you can still demonstrate your care for your DIL’s kids in meaningful ways. Bring them small treats, read them a story, or spend a few moments engaging with their interests when you visit. These gestures don’t require much time or energy but can make the children feel valued and included.

Seek compromise.

Finding middle ground can help ease the tension and show your willingness to cooperate. If babysitting all three kids is too much for you, suggest an alternative arrangement, such as watching them for shorter periods or having someone assist you. You could also offer to babysit occasionally instead of regularly. Recognize your DIL's struggles as a working mom and suggest a plan that helps her while honoring your own limits.

Apologize if necessary.

Sometimes, even well-intentioned words or actions can hurt others. If your DIL felt excluded or slighted by your comments, a heartfelt apology can go a long way in mending the relationship. Explain that your words weren’t meant to offend but rather to express your genuine concerns. Let her know that you understand why she might have felt hurt and that you value her feelings.

Focus on rebuilding the relationship.

Healing a strained relationship takes time and effort, but small acts of kindness can make a big difference. Look for opportunities to show your DIL that you value her as a person and as a mother. Compliment her parenting, offer to help in ways that are manageable for you, or bring a small gift when you visit. Even a kind word or a thoughtful gesture can soften tensions over time.

"My teenage stepson can only join our family vacation if he finds a way to pay for it," one reader shared about a challenging family dynamic. She explained why her children from her previous marriage were included on an expensive trip abroad and what exactly she expected her stepson to do to earn his place. What started as a chance to connect quickly turned into emotional conflicts, leaving this woman struggling with tough choices and ways to rebuild trust.