You ever hit that point where you’re doing everything for a sick parent while your sibling just sits around pretending it’s “not their job”? The author of this story finally snapped and gave her brother a wake-up call he’ll never forget, and now she’s split on whether she went too far or just did what had to be done.
Dear Bright Side,
I live with my unemployed 26-year-old brother to help our sick mom. He keeps saying it’s not his job to care for her. Yesterday, when I asked him to help me bring our mom upstairs, he rolled his eyes and slammed his door.
That was the last drop, so I finally decided to teach him a lesson he couldn’t ignore. I packed my things, left a note on the kitchen counter that said, “Since it’s not your job, I quit mine,” and walked out. No calls, no texts. Just silence.
By the next morning, his phone started blowing up, not from me, but from Mom’s care nurse. Turns out, she’d fallen trying to get to the bathroom alone. Nothing too serious, thank God, but enough to shake him. He called me over and over, but I didn’t answer.
When I finally came back that night, he was sitting beside her bed, quiet and guilty, helping her eat soup. He looked like a different person—or maybe just someone who finally saw what I’d been carrying all this time.
Now he’s been helping out more, but the tension’s thick. I don’t trust that it’ll last. Part of me feels bad for what I did; another part thinks it was the only way he’d ever wake up.
Was I too harsh, or did he need that reality check?
— Emily
Kick your brother out, telling him that he needs to find his own place. Tell him that you need his room for the home health aide you need to help you care for your mother. Or tell him you need to rent out the room for the added income to afford home health care for your mother. Either way, you will be able to provide the care for your mother that your brother is unwilling to give.
You had to give your brother a wakeup call. But did it have to be at your mother's expense? What if she got seriously hurt or worse? How would you feel then? What if your brother goes back to his old ways? Do you plan to punish your mother again? Find a different avenue. If it's too much for you, which I understand, then perhaps a care home should be considered.
Guilt truly is the gift that keeps on giving. Staying home because you don't trust your mooching brother to help care for his own mother is exactly what he wants.
If he's not going to share the responsibility for her care (rent free, no less), kick him out, rent out his room and use that extra income to afford a home health aide. You can't be on 24/7!
I did the 24/7 thing with my MIL. Except for my husband who worked 50 hours a week, then he would get home and give me a bit of a break. None of the other siblings ever did anything. When I finally told them that we were going away for a long weekend, the brother that lives in the house HAD TO STEP UP. I left DETAILED, EXPLICIT, STEP BY STEP INSTRUCTIONS for consistency and routine and familiarity for her because she had advanced Alzheimer's and required a strict regimen to be able to keep her at home. Well, one brother just showed up and wanted to take her out for a Chinese dinner, at 8:30 at night. Her bedtime was 8:00, and he got pissed off that she couldn't go. The brother that stayed home didn't read ANY OF THE THINGS THAT I WROTE DOWN TO HELP HIM THROUGH IT. He spent a great deal of time chasing her around the house because she kept trying to get out. Or he was cleaning up the spills and thrown food. She would wet herself and then hide her wet clothes in the dresser under the clean, dry clothes. I wrote it all down over, and over so he would see it repeatedly. He never read a word. It's not easy but sometimes you have NO CHOICE but to walk away for a day or two. I know that she didn't know who was who but she trusted me just the same., because I WAS ALWAYS THERE. SHE Couldn't remember my name but she always remembered that I was a diabetic and she would ask me if I needed any juice. I wish I had NEVER LEFT HER IN THEIR CARE, EVEN FOR JUST A FEW DAYS. So , yeah, I live with that guilt.
This story shows how family duties can fall unfairly on one person, sometimes it takes a drastic wake-up call to get through. This mirrors another story where a woman refused to be her brother’s on-call babysitter just because she’s infertile. Read more here.
