My DIL Refuses to Accommodate My Allergy at the Family Dinner

Family & kids
3 weeks ago

Hosting family members can be a difficult task, and trying to accommodate different tastes, preferences and allergies can seem daunting. A MIL was surprised when her daughter-in-law decided to not even try to adapt the menu to her allergy at the dinner she was hosting. The woman turned to Reddit, wondering if her response to the situation was reasonable.

A mother ran into a problem with her son’s wife.

I am very, very frustrated. My son has been married to my DIL for three years now. I have always made extra dishes that didn’t include meat to accommodate her. No matter how much it was a pain to do, I always made sure she had options to eat when I hosted, or she was over. She is vegetarian and at one point tried to go vegan.

My son and her never hosted due to living in a small apartment, but that changed since they have just bought a home. They are having dinner this week, and I called her to remind her I am allergic to nuts. She then informed me that she doesn’t have time and to bring my own food. She told me that she cooks a lot with different nuts, and she can’t make adjustments to her menu.

This is where I might be wrong, I told her I will not be going and neither will my husband. That I have accommodated her for years, and not once have I made her bring her own food. This started an argument where she thinks I am being unreasonable. My husband is on my side, but my son and her are very upset.

My allergy is not life-threatening, if it was going to kill me I wouldn’t be okay with any of the dishes having nuts, I just asked for one that I can eat. I can be at a table with nuts, it’s fine. Allergic reactions are a spectrum from very mild to kill you.

Redditor’s quickly came to support the poster.

  • “Allergies are not food critiques, you literally can die from a bad reaction. The fact you were accommodating for her dietary requests, and then she is completely dismissive of your actual needs, is absurd.” WholeAd2742 / Reddit
  • “If DIL refuses to concede, I’d make sure the next family dinner at OP’s house didn’t have vegetarian options. Maybe being treated the way DIL treats OP would make her understand the point better.” pcnauta / Reddit
  • “And it’s not like she’s got a long list of common ingredients that she can’t eat—just nuts! How hard is it to plan a menu where most of the dishes are nut-free? I don’t understand why people aren’t more caring about things like this.
    I used to keep a spreadsheet of all my kids’ friends allergies (and preferences) so I could always have food on hand that they could eat and enjoy when they came for playdates, parties, and sleepovers. It was kind of fun and challenging, actually. Party food for 20 kids with plenty of options that were dairy-free, gluten-free, nut-free, vegetarian, etc.” BaitedBreaths / Reddit
  • “Nut allergies are serious. Catering to allergies is basic hospitality when having a dinner party. Perhaps your DIL is not ready to play host. She CAN make adjustments to her menus, especially for close family members. They shouldn’t be surprised that you won’t come.” RoyallyOakie / Reddit
  • “Nuts are actually common in vegetarian cooking. However, it’s also easy enough to plan a menu that doesn’t include nuts. The DIL and her son are awful. I’m sure her son would have been mad at his mom if she said she was too busy to accommodate making meatless dishes.
    He also knows that his mom has an allergy. I bet he has never seen his mom have an anaphylactic reaction because she is careful to avoid her allergen. If he’d had, he would be more protective of his mom (if he is a decent human) because an anaphylactic reaction is scary.” Old-mention9632 / Reddit
  • “I would never dream of asking an invited guest to bring their own food. Especially if I know in advance of the allergy. Your son and DIL are being unreasonable.” Odd_Yogurtcloset2891 / Reddit
  • “How many dishes can she make that contain different kinds of nuts? Is this an ‘I Love Nuts’ party? This is oddly confusing on her part.” kadie0636 / Reddit
  • “She chooses not to eat meat, you respect her choice. You have a medical condition, she ignores it.” cinekat / Reddit
  • “You’re not wrong but also think of this, her kitchen is full of nuts even something not containing nuts will be contaminated. You might not even be able to go into their home due to her nut use.” CakePhool / Reddit
  • “I’m wondering if this is the context here. Not adding nuts for the one meal isn’t enough. For many nut allergies, you can’t even have contact residue, so DIL needs to cook with separate equipment that she can guarantee haven’t come in contact with nuts. DIL regularly cooks with nuts and don’t want to take responsibility if something goes wrong. (I personally wouldn’t either.)” crispydeepfriedchick / Reddit

Problems with DILs when it comes to family events are not too uncommon. In our previous article, we wrote about a woman who had to deal with her daughter-in-law’s picky eating. But after several attempts to accommodate her, the MIL had enough and decided to try out a different approach.

Preview photo credit Vivid-Worth-8581 / Reddit

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