We Hired Our Son to Redecorate the House, but Our DIL Started a Family Feud

Money often sparks family conflicts. One of our Bright Side readers wanted to use their retirement fund to renovate their home, hiring their son to help him out as well. Sadly, their daughter-in-law turned their good intentions turned into a family issue, leaving them feeling betrayed.

Hi Bright Side,

We just retired and wanted to renovate our home. We could have got it done from anybody, but we decided to hire our son, who is a contractor. He’s also the sole breadwinner of his family, and in a slightly tough spot, financially. We felt this would help him as well, and get what we need done. My DIL called us stingy jerks, saying, “Why make him work for the money? Just give it to him!”

Things escalated when she discovered that apart from what we were paying him for the contract, we’d given our son a significant amount of money as well. We didn’t tell her and apparently, neither did he. She was furious at him for keeping it a secret. When she came to us, we told her, “If you think he needs more help, go work and support your own family.”

She then confronted our son, who accused us of being rude, especially because we mentioned the money he had kept from her. Now, they’re waiting for an apology, but we are wondering what we did wrong. We are also disappointed in their behavior, given we have been helping them financially as much as possible.

Were we in the wrong? And what do you think we should do?

Simon and Barbara Stafford

Thank you for sharing your delicate family situation with us, Simon and Barbara. We feel your good intentions got tangled with poor communication and some haywire emotional reactions, probably brought on by financial stress. Your frustration is valid, but the fallout here is hurt feelings, perceived disrespect, and a lack of transparency. Let’s break down what you can do now to move forward, without compromising on your beliefs and self-respect.

First, take a call on what’s important.

The first thing you two need to decide, jointly, is what’s more important. Do you want to be proven right? OR do you want a change this conflict into a healthy and stronger relationship between you and your son and DIL.

If it’s the first, you may choose to simply stay quiet and wait for things to play out. If it’s the latter, here’s what we feel can help, as long as both parties remain invested in the relationship, and the mending of it for a stronger bond.

Acknowledge what went wrong.

Clearly, you weren’t wrong in helping your son, or even hiring him to do the work, with an extra-generous pay. The additional financial gift was also a positive step taken by you, to help him emerge from a financial crisis.

What did go wrong here, was the lack of communication. That being said, the onus lies on your son and not you. You weren’t actively hiding the financial gift from your DIL, but she was excluded from decisions that affect her household. Plus, in telling her to get a job, you may have overstepped your boundaries.

Extend an olive branch.

Your DIL was definitely out of line for calling you stingy, but her words might be more about hurt pride and strained family dynamics. You don’t need to apologize for giving your son money or helping him. But a simple apology for the tone and escalation from your end, might go a long way.

You could have a one-on-one with them and clarify that all you wanted was to support your son and his family. If you want to bridge the gap, you could directly address her and tell her that while you don’t regret the financial help given, you do feel bad for the inadvertent secrecy. Apologize for your tone and disrespect, but make sure to tell her that it wasn’t appropriate for her to call you “stingy jerks,” without knowing the whole situation as well.

Have a private talk with your son.

You can also have a one-on-one with your son after resolving the issue, letting him know that while you’ll always support him, financial secrecy between him and his wife can create family conflicts. Suggest that any future financial support be discussed openly.

If he’s in financial trouble, the current argument might be overwhelming him. Show him you are on his side, just ask for and promise transparency going forward.

Family conflicts around finances are common, but patience and love can move mountains. Sometimes though, you have to draw boundaries, just like this Bright Side reader, who felt she had turned into her family’s ATM, for one reason.