I Refused to Marry My Boyfriend Because His Proposal Disgusted Me

Marriages are made in heaven, or so they say. But when it comes to proposals, not all seem to be headed towards marital bliss, just like Charlotte’s letter to us. While she admits to loving her boyfriend, there was something about his proposal that creeped her out, and now she’s wondering if she overreacted.

This is Charlotte’s dilemma:

Hi Bright Side,

So this is how I seem to have messed up my life.

My boyfriend of 3 years finally popped the question in an almost perfect setting. We were talking about getting married, but the proposal came out of the blue. I was ecstatic and about to say yes, till I saw the ring.

Mind you, it was beautiful and expensive, but for me, came with a major GROSS factor because of whom it belonged to. My boyfriend had a first wife, who he was married to for only six months before she upped and left with another man. It was a long-drawn, messy divorce, and we started dating around that time, so I am privy to many hurtful details. It was a dark time in his life, and I was there for him, and honestly, his ex-wife was an awful woman.

The problem is, he proposed to me with the very ring he proposed to her with. To me, it showed a complete lack of respect for me, and I refused to say yes. He got miffed, saying it was just a ring, and he had got it cut and polished just for me, and it was very expensive. Honestly, I’m fine with a cheap ring, just not a ring that was on her finger.

So tell me, was I wrong refusing to marry him, if the proposal was with that ring?

Anxious, hurt, and confused,

Charlotte

Dear Charlotte, thank you for trusting us with your story. Here’s what we think you can do to resolve this issue, and move on, together, in your relationship.

Have a long, honest chat.

To resolve anything, in any relationship, you need to sit your boyfriend down and have a long, honest talk. The fact is, right now, he is dismissing your feelings, and this is tantamount to disrespect.

Explain to him, in clear words, that even if the ring is expensive and beautiful, to you, it comes with the shadow of all the years of struggle that HE faced. To you, it’s soiled, because of the woman who wore it, and what she did to him. Try to explain your POV, and tell him that while his proposal was perfect, the ring ruined it. Encourage him to retry the proposal with a different ring, or even minus the ring.

Tell him, the problem is simply the ring, not the proposal, and that of course, you’d like to marry him (if that is what you want, of course).

You can apologize for the hurt you caused.

In case he was hurt by your refusal, you may choose to apologize, explaining that it wasn’t him or his proposal that you were refusing, but the ring.

Suggest that you can go to the jewelers and exchange the ring, and that you’d be happy to go with something simpler, and more affordable as well. Remind him that you stood by him when he was struggling with the very woman whose ring he proposed with.

Ask common friends to mediate if needed.

In case he is unable to see your point of view, try roping in common friends or even family to mediate between you two, especially someone who is close and knows his history with his ex.

He might be holding on to the ring for sentimental value, or be thinking he’s giving it a new twist, but he needs to understand how that ring makes you feel. Starting off the marriage on a sour note may not be the best option for either one of you, so seek all the help you can to get over this roadblock.

Healing takes time, and sometimes, therapy.

Give him time to process his emotions, and in the meantime, heal the hurt you feel. You need time to get completely process what you went through, and how best you need to move forward.

Plus, a little time away from each other may also help you both reconnect and come back stronger. Of course, if all else fails and there’s still some lingering resentment, you may opt for couple’s therapy. This way, a professional can help you comb the tangles out of your relationship, and make your bond all the stronger.

Relationships take a ton of work, and sometimes, even the slightest issue can snowball into something huge. Here’s one such husband who confronted his wife over a lie, and it blew up in his face.