Every now and then, someone close to us can make an offhand remark that ruins the mood in an instant. One of our readers recently shared a story about an awkward moment with her teenage niece. What was meant to be a friendly shopping outing turned into a complex family discussion.
Hi Bright Side!
I’ve always loved spending time with my brother’s daughter. Even though she’s thirteen now and has her own friends and interests, we’ve stayed close. I take her for lunch, we have movie nights, and I really treasure our one-on-one time together.
Side note, during the last couple of months, I’ve been struggling with how I look. I’ve recently been through a bad breakup. Let’s just say it hasn’t left me feeling — and looking — my best.
I wasn’t in the mood to hit the gym, and haven’t been taking good care of my diet as I used to. My niece always used to have a way to make me feel better when I was in a bad mood.
That’s why I was so excited about our shopping day. Problem is, my niece made a mean comment about my body right before we were about to leave. She looked me up and down and said, “Ew, is that your outfit? It’s sooo ugly.”
When I asked her what was wrong, she pointed at me and said, “It doesn’t look right on your arms.” It made me so sad... and angry. Probably because I always saw her as a sweet girl who’d never say such a thing.
She noticed I was upset, but rolled her eyes at me. Then she gave a quick “sorry,” then asked if we were still going. I said no. And she flipped out.
She said she’d been looking forward to this trip all week, texting her friends, making a list of stores to hit, and now I’d ruined everything. She started crying, saying I was too harsh. Apparently, me looking like that would have ruined the pictures we were supposed to take together.
When I told my brother and sister-in-law what happened, to my surprise, they just said to calm down. My brother even giggled and said, “As long as she apologized, it’s fine. She’s just a kid. You don’t need to punish her over one comment.”
My sister-in-law even alluded to the fact that my niece was just looking out for me. She’d noticed I wasn’t looking my best lately, and maybe just wanted to give me a nudge. I’m sorry, but I don’t agree with that.
I don’t think she’s just a kid anymore. And her apology was in no way sincere. I feel that words matter, especially when they come so casually. Give me a nudge? For what? Who does she think she is?
Still, now I can’t help but wonder either: am I being too mean with her? Should I have just accepted the quick apology and moved on? Or is setting this boundary the right thing to do? I’d really appreciate some advice.
Thanks for your response!
Gina
We appreciate you opening up about this. While it’s not an easy spot to be in, we believe there’s potential for you and your niece to work through it and grow even closer. Here’s what might help:
I would have lost some teeth if I had made such a rude comment to ANY adult. An apology doesn't take away the emotion the rudeness caused, and is not enough. If she did it to you she does it to others. Maybe if she does it to mom or dad they might get it, but I don't think they will.
Your brother and sister-in-law may not see this as a big deal, but that doesn’t change your feelings. You can’t control their reaction, only your own. If they minimize it, remind them that respect goes both ways, no matter someone’s age. Over time, your consistency will overcome the power of these disagreements.
It’s okay to tell her that certain topics, like your body, are off-limits. You can still spend time together, but you have a right to protect yourself from hurtful remarks. Boundaries aren’t meant to punish someone; they are one of many ways of keeping a relationship healthy.
your niece knew exactly what she did. that your brother and sister-in-law are trying to cover this up by saying "she's just a child" is no excuse. Your niece has learned that if she quickly reels off an excuse, she thinks all is forgiven. BUT cause has effect and it's time for someone to set boundaries which your brother hasn't done. Stop bringing her along on different things.
Take care of yourself and make it a priority 1 that's what's important, not that your niece gets to go shopping probably with your money...
Invest in yourself.
Pick a time when both you and your niece are calm. Let her know how her comment made you feel, and explain why it wasn’t okay. Keep it about your feelings rather than attacking her character. She might not fully understand the impact yet, but hearing it from you directly will plant the seed for better awareness.
If you thought that situation was tangled, wait until you hear from another reader. She explains why she decided her niece could no longer visit her home and how that decision came back to affect her.
I'm sorry but your brother actually said you don't punish a child for doing one thing wrong? So how many things wrong are they supposed to do before you can punish them? You know cuz I don't really see the judge ever saying well it was only one armed robbery or one attempted murder so you don't need to go to jail this time.
