11 Phrases That Can Weaken Your Relationships

You don’t need to be the most charming person to build strong connections. But if friends or family seem distant, it may be a sign to work on your conversational skills. These small improvements can make a big difference in keeping relationships close.

1. Telling someone to “calm down” or “chill out” might mean you are taking their issues lightly.

If someone is panicking, crying, or basically having an emotional breakdown over any issue, big or small, telling them to “relax,” or “calm down,” or even “chill out,” may seem helpful. In fact, it’s more of a trigger, because not only does it minimize what the other person is feeling, it also implies that they are overreacting, or being unstable. These phrases, if used in an argument, can also be considered gaslighting.

What you could try to say instead is, “I really want to understand, so let’s slow it down. Tell me, how can I help you?”

2. Dismissing a conversation with “whatever” implies you don’t really care either way.

If someone comes to you with something they have a problem with, the worst thing you could probably say to them is “whatever.” Not only it is terribly rude, it’s dismissive. It’s like a slap in the face that tells the other person that you do not give a hoot about what they think or are going through. It would be far better, and politer, to listen to the other person and then make a decision. You may agree to disagree, of course.

It’s awful even as an answer to a question. So in case someone wants an opinion on what to order or make for dinner or which outfit they should wear, please politely word your confusion, like, “Honestly. I’m just as confused as you are!”

3. “That’s not what I said (or meant)” is no excuse for saying the wrong thing.

There are two sides to this. One is that the other person is actively trying to win the argument by misrepresenting what you said and twisting it to fit their own narrative to show that they are right, period. If this happens, they are doing the pushing away, not you.

But if this happens most of the time, then your communication skills may be a little rusty. If you end up constantly saying this, it may show that you are being defensive and using this phrase more as a “correction” than a “clarification.” If this happens, a better thing to say would be, “I see how it might have sounded that way. Let me explain what I meant, because I clearly messed this up.”

4. Telling someone, “You are too sensitive” is dismissing their emotions and feelings.

Telling someone that they are “too sensitive” not only downplays their feelings and state of mind, it also helps the person saying this escape accountability for hurting others. Saying this means you were unkind, but you don’t want to acknowledge it.

To make strong connections, empathy is a given, so you may agree to disagree on something, without dishonoring or ignoring someone’s feelings and boundaries.

5. “That’s just how I am” or “I’m just being honest” is an excuse to be overly critical or blunt.

Being your true self sounds like the nirvana of self-awareness, but using “that’s just how I am” is more an excuse to be rude, blunt, and critical. It means you know you may in the wrong, but don’t have the motivation to change or curb your sharp tongue or behavior.

It can also show the other person their “place” in your life, they are not important enough for you to make this change. Of course, it’s fine if you think you do not need to change, but then you have to accept the other person’s desire to talk to you, spend time with you, or not.

6. Adopting a martyred tone and saying “Don’t worry about me...” or “No, no, I’m fine... Really” is a victim card.

If someone ever feels, or thinks, or even puts into words how everything that has happened or is happening is “not their fault” and there is always a convenient scapegoat for them to point the finger at, they are experts at playing the victim card.

Doing it once or twice might invoke sympathy in others, repeated behavior will push people away and paint you as the permanent victim card player. Owning up to your faults is a far better way to deal with people, and turn yourself into a better communicator.

7. “It’s just a joke” is often used as a universal excuse to be mean and rude.

Many of us try to cut tension, or break the ice with humor. As long as the humor is generic and not a mockery of a person, or feeling, or even a situation, it’s cool. Else, it’s never “just” a joke. Hurting someone in the guise of humor is more or less the same as gaslighting, and makes the other person feel invalidated.

Do this repeatedly, and people will pull away from you. Nobody wants to be the butt of jokes all the time.

8. “I, me, and myself” are the worst ways to talk to people because it cannot be about you, always.

We are all the main protagonists of our life. That being said, perpetually talking about yourself in a group, or even in a tête-à-tête, isn’t the best way to be popular. It conveys narcissism or self-centeredness, and shows the other person that all you are interested in, is yourself.

We all love to be listened to, it’s the “listening” part we have to be better at.

9. Brushing someone off without explaining why with “I don’t have time for this” tells them they are not important.

If someone is approaching you for your time, and you tell them that you are busy or don’t have time for them, it might be coming from a right place. You might be too busy, or too preoccupied, or even too overwhelmed to deal with them. But it ends up telling them that they are not your priority, and that their emotions and needs are inconvenient.

You will always make time for something that is truly important to you. So the next time this happens, try saying something like, “I’m really busy right now. Can we do this in the evening?” This conveys your lack of time but tells the other person they are important to you, validating them.

10. The much-reviled “I told you so” shows people you’d rather be correct than actually care about their problems.

There will be times when you were 100%, completely, absolutely right. All your experience and warnings remained unheeded, but that does not mean you need to rub their noses in it. Telling someone I told you so is a big, human temptation, but it conveys to the other person that they were not smart and embarrasses them.

It may also stop them from seeking you for advice the next time. While it’s normal to want to revel in your “rightness,” avoid the temptation. Try asking them if they learned anything from their mistakes and if there is anything they feel you can help with. It is human to make mistakes, after all.

11. Making sweeping generalizations like “You always...” or “You never...” doesn’t invite a conversation, it’s a judgment.

Even if you have a valid issue with someone in your life, starting the conversation with “you never” or “you always” basically makes a sweeping judgment of their behavior. This might even shut them down, given “always” and “never” are extreme words, and counterproductive to real conversations.

Try something softer, like, “Lately, I’ve been noticing...” or even, “It feels like this has happened a few times.” This leaves conversational doors open for you to further talk about what you are feeling without a sweeping generalization of the other person’s behavior.

We all need to watch our words and the way we say them to make sure we don’t hurt the people we love. While this is true about how we talk, what about how we write? Here are some sneaky things our handwriting ends up revealing, especially when it comes to finding the perfect job.