Blending families is never easy, and for Joy, the constant rejection from her stepson, Gary, has left her feeling isolated. After an upsetting dinner incident, tensions rose with her husband’s ex-wife, Lauren. Now, Joy is torn between trying to connect with Gary or stepping back for her own peace.
Dear Bright Side,
I’ve been married to Dean for two years, and from the start, my stepson, Gary, rejected me. It’s been hard for me to accept, but I’ve tried everything to bond with him. However, no matter how much I try, he keeps pushing me away.
Last night, after I spent hours preparing dinner for the family, Gary took a bite, pushed his plate aside, and said, “This is trash. Mom cooks way better.” I wanted to cry, but I stayed calm. I quietly took his plate away and told him to go to his room if he wasn’t hungry.
That night, I couldn’t sleep, replaying his words over and over in my mind. It wasn’t just about the food; it was another reminder that I’ll never be the mother he wants. Feeling hurt and rejected, I decided to exclude Gary from the next dinner. I thought it would give me some space and a break from trying so hard.
But the next day, Dean’s ex-wife, Lauren, showed up at my work, furious. She told me if I didn’t stop “treating Gary like a stranger,” she’d take full custody of him and keep him from seeing Dean. I thought I was being reasonable, but Lauren made it clear that I didn’t have the right to exclude him.
Now, I don’t know what to do. Should I try to include Gary, knowing he’ll likely reject me again and make me feel terrible? Should I let him participate in family events even though I fear he’ll embarrass me, claiming I’m not his real mom? I’m stuck in the middle of wanting to protect my own feelings and trying to do what’s best for him.
I love Dean, but this tension is wearing me down. I feel like I can’t win. Every time I try to make an effort with Gary, I’m reminded that I’m just his stepmom. I know that, but I thought love and family could transcend that.
Please, Bright Side, what should I do? Should I keep trying, or should I back off and let him go? I don’t want to keep causing problems, but I’m starting to feel like I’m losing myself in this situation.
Sincerely,
Joy
Thank you, Joy, for sharing your story. The emotional toll of trying to build a connection with a stepson who rejects you is not easy. In the next section, we’ll offer some advice on how to approach these difficult situations and find a path forward that considers both your feelings and the family’s needs.
Be ready for him not to eat what you cooked. Don't make anything else for him. You're not excluding him. But, it's his choice to go to bed hungry. When he complains to his mom just tell her that he doesn't eat what you cook. When he gets hungry enough he'll eat it.
It’s important for Joy to recognize that building a relationship with Gary will take time. She may feel the urge to push for closeness, but forcing the connection too soon could make him retreat further. Children, especially those who are adjusting to a blended family, need space to process their feelings and come to terms with the new dynamic.
Joy should give Gary the time and freedom to develop trust at his own pace. Patience is key in letting him decide when he’s ready to engage, ensuring that the relationship grows naturally without feeling pressured or rushed.
Joy and Dean should have an honest conversation about how they want to handle things with Lauren moving forward. They need to be on the same page about what’s acceptable, so there’s no confusion or tension later. This way, everyone knows where they stand.
When it comes to Lauren, Joy should stay firm but calm in her communication. Being clear about what’s needed without making things feel confrontational will help avoid unnecessary drama. If Lauren keeps pushing, Joy and Dean might need to take a stronger stance, even if it’s uncomfortable at first.
When it comes to handling difficult situations with your stepson, respect plays a major role, even when it feels one-sided. It’s natural to feel hurt by his behavior, but responding with respect—even when he isn’t reciprocating—can set a positive example for him. Keep calm, and avoid reacting emotionally when he disrespects you. Show him through your actions that respect is a two-way street.
By maintaining this approach, you’re teaching him that poor behavior has consequences, and that respect should be earned. This may not lead to immediate change, but it will have a long-term impact on your relationship.
Joy’s situation is a tough reminder that family dynamics can be complicated, especially when stepchildren feel rejected. If you’re looking for more insights into handling family tensions, check out this personal experience shared by another one of our readers.
