I Only Take My Real Grandchildren to Family Events—Am I Wrong?

It only takes one choice to change the way a child sees themselves in a family. What feels fair to an adult can feel devastating to a little one. Blended families hold both love and landmines, and sometimes you don’t realize you’ve stepped on one until it’s too late.

Here’s Nancy’s letter:

Hi Bright Side,

I booked a spa day with my granddaughter and had been looking forward to it for weeks. At the very last minute, my DIL begged me to take her son from her previous marriage too. I snapped, “This is family time, and we’re not related!” and left him crying with a babysitter while my granddaughter and I went ahead with our plans.

When I got back, I was horrified to find he had drawn pictures of our family with himself left out. My DIL barely looked at me, and the house was painfully silent. I can’t shake the image of that little boy sitting alone, feeling unwanted and excluded. It has stayed with me ever since.

I love my granddaughter deeply, but I don’t feel the same connection with him—and I honestly don’t know how to build it. I never meant to cause harm, but maybe my words and choices did more damage than I realized.

Was I wrong to keep that time just for my granddaughter? How do I handle this without breaking the family apart? I’d really appreciate advice.

Sincerely,
Nancy

Thank you, Nancy, for opening up about something that’s clearly been heavy on your heart. We hope our advice helps you see things from angles you might not have considered. Sometimes a gentle word or a fresh perspective is all it takes to make family struggles feel a little lighter.

Remember how children see things. Kids don’t get all the complicated adult stuff going on in blended families. When you keep your distance, he probably doesn’t think "Grandma needs boundaries“—he thinks “Grandma doesn’t like me.” Children take everything personally, even when we don’t mean it that way. If you can remember that he’s just a little boy trying to figure out where he fits, it might help you be a bit gentler with him.

Think about inclusion over exclusion. Instead of thinking “that’s my granddaughter, that’s her son,” try finding small ways to include both kids. Maybe ask him about school, remember what cartoon he likes, or invite him to help with something simple. These little gestures can mean everything to a child who already feels left out. Including him doesn’t take anything away from your relationship with your granddaughter—it just shows both kids what love looks like.

Don’t underestimate your influence. To kids, grandparents are pretty special people—different from parents, who have to be the “bad guys” sometimes. How you treat him will stick with him and shape how he sees himself. Your kindness could give him confidence that lasts his whole life, while being cold might hurt him in ways that are hard to fix later. You have more power than you realize to make him feel valued and loved.

Create separate bonding moments. You don’t have to give up your special time with your granddaughter—that’s important too. But maybe you could also find small moments just for him, doing something he enjoys. It doesn’t have to be anything big or fancy. The goal is just showing both kids that you care about them as individuals. When children feel like there’s enough love to go around, everyone wins.

Have you ever faced a moment where your choices hurt someone without you meaning to? Share your experience in the comments—your story might help someone else feel less alone.

And while you’re here, don’t miss this powerful story from another reader: “I (55F) paid for my son’s surprise 30th party. His wife texted me: ‘Don’t come—family only.’ When I arrived, she blocked the door, saying firmly, ‘Get lost!’ My son stood behind her, silent. So, without warning them, I...” Click 👉 here to read what happened next.