Jude thought the hardest part would be helping his teenage son survive the sudden loss of his mother. But as sleepless nights stretch on and tensions rise at home, one late-night discovery leaves him wondering whether his home is still a safe place for his son.
Hello, Bright Side,
My ex-wife passed away three weeks ago in a car accident. My son Jake (14) was really close to her, and he’s been a mess since. About a week ago, Jake started having really bad nightmares. He’d wake up screaming and shaking. I started sleeping in his room because it helped. He could see me, and it calmed him down enough to fall back asleep.
But on night 5, she snapped at me. “Stop this already, this is sick—he’s 14!” I told her I don’t care how old he is if he needs me right now. She got quiet and went to bed. A few hours later, I woke up. Jake’s door was open. I could hear Sarah talking to him.
I walked closer. She was sitting on his bed in the dark, holding his hand and saying, “Let’s keep this between us. Your mom wasn’t even around that much anyway. And now you’re making your dad choose. You’re not 6 anymore, men your age don’t act like this.” I froze. My 14-year-old kid, who just lost his mom, was being told he’s the problem.
Sarah came out and looked surprised to see me. She tried to explain she was “helping him grow up” and that I was “making it worse by coddling him.” I told her she had no right to say that to him, especially now. She said I was being “emotionally manipulated by a teenager” and that Jake was “playing it up for attention.”
Then she added that I’m choosing my son over our marriage and that she is going to live at her sister’s until this whole weird thing is over.
And now I’m not even sure if I want her back here.
I only feel for Jake in this, adults seem to be (and have previously) failing royally. Clearly Jake has never had to face unpleasant realities before, at 14, he should have, why not? That's the issue, sheltering children doesn't help them, just the opposite!
Are YOU a DIAGNOSED IDIOT? A reality is when it ACTUALLY HAPPENS TO YOU, you can't PREPARE a child for losing a parent. SHELTERING a child? You have NO clue what that term even means. Would you take your child to a funeral home, or an accident site? Maybe the morgue? I spent most of my adult life helping families deal with the loss of parents. I lost my mom 20 years ago TOMORROW, I WILL NEVER GET OVER IT. You don't have ANY emotional bandwidth if you think that a 14 year old is sheltered, because they LOST a parent and WAS GRIEVING.
Agree with everything except taking your child to a funeral home. The longer you keep them away, and the older they get, it turns into a big mysterious horrible thing. By taking them to visitation they feel it is just another part of life, and it is not as traumatising.
I MEANT TAKING THEM TO A FUNERAL HOME, BEFORE THEY ACTUALLY NEED TO GO. WHEN A FAMILY MEMBER, PARENT, GRANDPARENT, ETC PASSES, YOU SHOULD NOT KEEP THEM FROM THAT REALITY. BUT YOU CAN'T "PREPARE" THEM, OR IT COULD INURE THEM TO IT, SO THEY WILL HAVE NO FEELINGS AT ALL. JUST MY TAKE ON IT.
A wife or husband does not come before a child
Don’t you dare take her back! I lost my dad suddenly and unexpectedly when I was just graduating high school, and I needed my mom’s support. That woman knew you had a child, and if she didn’t want the burden, then guess what? She shouldn’t have married you in the first place. Sarah, I hope you’re hearing this, but YOU, my dear, are the one who needs to grow up! That child just lost his mother, and you are basically being abusive to him. That is NOT tough love, and tough love is not required in this situation. The poor child is grieving, and yet you are acting shameful. Let me tell you something. God is real, and so are heaven and hell. I hope you repent for your selfish behavior because if I were dead, I’d be rolling over in my grave for how you treated my son. You are sick, and you need to get help. I hope your husband divorces you. He deserves so much better, and so does your little boy. Do not take this heartless woman back. Find a woman who will love your child like your own. It’s what his mother would want.
She doesn't deserve to be around your child, the death of a loved one is hard to deal with.
John 5:28, 29💙jw.org
She added "that I'm choosing my son over our marriage" Duh, of course you're choosing your son over your marriage cause he is your child. She sounds like an evil stepmother and it would probably be best to divorce the woman. Sounds like she doesn't like your son.
I agree 2000%
Get rid of that evil woman!@
Wow, your wife was intentionally cruel to your grieving son. She has shown you who she is. BELIEVE HER.
Dump that evil woman. She thinks you're going to "come around"? Surprise her with divorce papers and tell her not to bother to come back.
Exactly. You keep comforting your son until he feels better and divorce that bytsh!! 😡
Wow seriously!? So you blow off the child? Wonderful. You should go marry his wicked step ma as soon as dad divorces her.
Not forsaking your children
IF you mean FORSAKING YOUR CHILDREN, then YOU are as HEARTLESS AS THIS POS, STEPMONSTER.
A child grieving the loss of his mom needs his dad now more than anyone...maybe someone should forsake you
Yes, in a marriage you are supposed to forsake all others, cleaving only unto them. That does not mean your children while you are raising them. That's an entirely different relationship. And yes, at 14 they are still being raised.
Hey, Jude, thanks for reaching out! Let’s see what’s going on here.
When a child loses a parent suddenly, fear often shows up at night. Nightmares, panic, needing to see a parent nearby—that’s a very human response. Fourteen may sound “grown,” but emotionally, he’s still a kid who just lost his sense of safety. Nothing about this is unusual.
Seeing you there told his brain one simple thing: I’m not alone. Once that feeling settles in, sleep comes back. It won’t create dependence because it’s about helping your child calm down when his world just cracked open.
You can’t really reason someone out of fear at 3 a.m.
Telling a grieving teenager that his mother “wasn’t around much” or that he’s “making his father choose” places adult guilt on a child who’s already hurting.
And supporting your son right now isn’t choosing him over your marriage. A child losing a parent isn’t a competition.
Right now, Jake needs:
Your wife needs to decide whether she can respect that—even if it makes her uncomfortable. If she can, this can be repaired. If she can’t, that’s important information.
Sometimes, family problems start with rules that go too far. In another email we received, a married woman describes how a weekend at her mother-in-law’s house turned into pure embarrassment: I Refused to Follow My MIL’s Rules, I’m an Adult, Not a Toddler
I don't know how old you and your wife are, but IF you let her stay, AND she gets pregnant, YOU WILL BE STUCK WITH HER FOR 18 YEARS MINIMUM. LORD KNOWS HOW SHE COULD RUIN ANOTHER CHILD. DON'T, DON'T, DON'T STAY WITH HER.
Tell her do NOT come back! Pack her stuff and ship it to her!! Be the man that chooses his son over a POA....
The fact that your 14 year old is having such violent nightmares is cause for concern, so I would definitely suggest consulting a psychologist or at least a grief counselor to help him process his emotions, but it is not a sign of weakness or immaturity--his mother just died less than a month ago, FFS! I agree with the others who say tell wife #2 not to bother coming back. That kind of insensitivity isn't something that can easily be changed
