I Refused to Help My Younger Brother, and Discovered My Parents’ Dark Secret

When it comes to money matters within family, things can get really complicated. While some issues may be little more than perceived slights or misunderstandings, this letter shared by a Reddit user does not fall under that. She never got the same opportunities as her brother, and now that she’s independent, her parents want her to fund her brother’s education, with a plot twist.

Here is the emotional post:

I’ve (30F) been financially independent since graduating from college. I worked practically full-time while studying, recently paid off my student loans on my own, and just started saving to buy a home. I didn’t apply to grad school because I couldn’t afford it, and my parents made it pretty clear growing up that we needed to stand on our own after high school.

My brother (22M) is honestly a genius. He worked really hard in school, got a full academic ride to a great state school, and graduated with honors. I’m so, so proud of him.

The problem now is he recently got into an extremely prestigious grad program that would open a lot of doors for him. He was hoping for scholarships or a paid internship to cover most of it, but it’s not enough. Now he’s facing tuition and housing costs in one of the most expensive cities in the country.

My parents asked if I could help out and suggested I contribute around $15,000 to get him through the first year. They’d match it, and he’d take loans for the rest. I said no.

I’ve been working for over a decade on my own goals, and I’m just now starting to save for a house. I don’t feel comfortable putting that on hold, especially when I had to turn down opportunities because there was no help available to me.

During the conversation, my mom got frustrated and said they’d be using my “other fund” to help him instead. I asked what she meant, and she said they had set aside about $25,000 for me back when I was in college, meant to be used for a future wedding. I was completely blind sided. I had no idea this fund existed.

I asked why I wasn’t told about it when I was considering grad school, or now while I’m saving for a home. She said it was always intended for a wedding, not school or property, and since I haven’t needed it (I’m not engaged or in a relationship), they decided to give it to my brother because he has a more immediate need.

I’m not going to lie, I was pissed. I never got a chance to make a case for how I could’ve used that money, and now it’s just being handed over to someone else. I told them I felt hurt and left out. My mom said I was being unfair, and that the money was never promised, and if I didn’t want it for a wedding, then it made sense to use it for something meaningful.

My brother told me he didn’t know about the wedding fund either, and he understands why I’d be upset, but said he didn’t ask for it. He just wants to go to school and thought we were all trying to support each other. I know my brother worked hard and isn’t trying to take anything from me. But I can’t help feeling like my parents are punishing me for being practical.

The entire Reddit community stood by her side, and had supportive comments to offer.

• If they wanted to financially support you they could give you the choice of using the funds for education, or travel, a home or a wedding (that’s what I’ve done with my daughters, who I’ve been saving for since they were born). But, despite it being an awful move, it is their choice how they spend their money.
  And it is presumably still their money, rather than an account in your name. So in practice the terrible element was telling you that it was your money in the same move that they snatched it away from you again (though it was really the favoritism that underpinned that decision, which has clearly been there all along). © mavenmim / Reddit
• Not surprised they saved it for a wedding since you are female, and they won’t let you use it for school or something else. But they can’t let their precious golden child son go without. If I were you, I would go no contact with your parents. I suspect this is a one off of your brother getting special treatment. © Winter_Dragonfly_452 / Reddit
• Your parents are completely off. It was ok to save for your wedding, but not your education. It is ok to give to your brother for his education, but it seems he does not have a wedding fund. Mum and dad are not very nice. © Individual_Metal_983 / Reddit
• Now you know how your parents feel about you. It’s ok for you to struggle and not your brother. Remember this should you ever get married or should they ever need help as they get older. He is their priority, not you. © Ok_Hour9037 / Reddit

The OP had a valid question, as she lamented, “That’s the part that really upset me. Assuming they set aside money for both of us, why is he worth paying for grad school for, but I’m only worth paying for a wedding?”

Some Redditors also felt her mother wasn’t exactly being truthful.

• I don’t believe there is a “hidden” fund. I think mom just wanted to hurt your feelings because you weren’t acquiescing to her demands, and made it up. © CrankyWife / Reddit
• Your mom sounds like she has some serious issues to work out. That level of emotional and financial manipulation of a child (even though you’re well into adulthood) is a disgusting trait in a person and implies that the behavior happens a lot. I hope she gets help.
  That being said, it’s 100% their money, and they have every right to spend it how they want to. They should’ve just not mentioned it, and that would’ve made it much less morally wrong to divert the funds. At this point, it seems as if it’s only being done in spite of you, which is awful. © C4LLM3M4TT_13 / Reddit

All in all, the OP had Reddit stand by her side, unanimously. Many even advised for her to go low, or no contact with her parents because of their behavior. At the same time, people also reminded her that the money was still theirs, and they could do whatever they wanted with it, and she should simply do what’s best for her. We hope she finds peace and happiness in her life.

Meanwhile, if you want to save money, here’s are some secret overspending habits you might want to stop.