15 Witty Comebacks That Were So Sharp, They Silenced the Room

Great comebacks have to be witty, perfectly timed, and said with just the right amount of confidence to land well. The people below didn’t just have the formula down, they proved that in the midst of an argument, sometimes, there’s nothing smarter than a witty mouth.

1. Enough for everyone?

Massive layoffs at work one day. I was out at lunch and grabbed a burger to bring back. The bag was tiny. Got on the elevator to go up to my office, and it stops on the way and the personnel director joins me.

The doors close, and he turns and looks at my lunch sack and asks, “Have you got enough for everybody?” I immediately replied, “I do now.” I thought he was going to cry. © dkfotog / Reddit

2. Mom claps back.

When I was a kid, I played outside a lot with neighbor kids. One day, one kid chased me to be mean, tripped and fell on the ground. He told his mom. His mother walked to our house, furious about what ’’I’’ had done with her kid.

When I told my mom the truth, the other kids (that followed her) confirmed it. When the woman realized she was wrong, she threatened to send her husband after my mom. My divorced mom said the glorious sentence, “Go ahead and send him. You won’t get him back.”

She walked away immediately, and we never heard from her again. © Lifeonarope / Reddit

3. “Need a hand?”

A bloke where I work had his leg amputated, so he uses a wheelchair. He sometimes gets wedged in doorways etc — so people ask if he’d like help.

“Need a hand, mate?”

“Nah, already have two. Wouldn’t mind another leg, tho?”

I’m sure he’s had that exact exchange 1000 times. © EngineeredGal / Reddit

4. “You look better without your glasses on.”

Some guy walked up to me, completely unprovoked and demanded I take my glasses off. I did, confused, and he stared at me for a few seconds before declaring, “Yeah, you look better without your glasses on.”

So I said, “You look better without my glasses on, too.”

He looked absolutely gobsmacked. I’d seen the comeback somewhere online years prior, and I’m only glad I was able to remember it in the moment instead of hours later in the middle of the night or something. © littlehappyfeets / Reddit

5. The brain between us

Many years ago, when I was twelve, I got into an argument with my mother and father. Exasperated, my mother said, “You talk like you think your father and I don’t have a brain between us.”

I immediately said, “No, I do think you have a brain between you.” My father burst out laughing — end of argument. © AlbionBoethius / Reddit

6. Fussy husband

I once jokingly said to my wife, “You know you should consider yourself lucky really as I’m quite fussy about my women.” Without skipping a beat, she replied... “Well you’re just lucky that I’m not fussy about my men.”

Burned. © LC_Anderton / Reddit

7. Kid’s quick wit

I was adopted at 4 months old. It was never presented in a bad light, just a matter of fact. I’m the oldest in my adopted family.

My younger brother in a raging fit over something: “YOU’RE NOT MY REAL BROTHER!!”

Me: “Yep. Mom and Dad chose me. They were stuck with you.”

Silence. © ejtrb92 / Reddit

8. A smart-mouthed kid

There was a kid in my form class in secondary school (name was Junior) who generally ruined most lessons, he didn’t last long and was moved on. But he was quick-witted.

One time our science teacher said to him “Junior, if you continue I’m going to make your life a little less easy,” to which he immediately replied, “I’m too young for marriage, miss.” © mikewatt-ta / Reddit

9. The tailgating finisher

Some guy was tailgating me, so I brake-checked him. At the next set of lights, he got out his car and asked me what my problem was.

In a flash, I remembered a bumper sticker I’d seen and quoted it to him, “If I wanted you so close, I’d kiss you first.” I heard the woman in the car behind explode into laughter, while the guy looked confused and went straight back to his car. © cowf**** / Reddit

10. How are you doing?

I walked into a small shop last week and stood at the counter across from the cash register, because no employee was visible. A male employee soon came out from the back, and I asked how he was doing.

He answered, “Fine. For now.”

I said, “For now? Well, I hope it lasts!”

We both laughed and had a nice conversation afterwards. © Rob Chung / Quora

11. The Santa debate

Reply by a kindergartner, to a pair of 5th graders who tried to tell him Santa isn’t real: “Santa brings me presents, and if Santa doesn’t bring you presents, you should think about why.” © MindYourMouth / Reddit

12. Points to granny

My grandma asked my cousin, who’d had lots of partners and 2 kids at this point, if she was ever going to get married.

Cousin: It’s not the same nowadays. We don’t buy cars without test-driving them first.

Grandma: Yeah. But they don’t let you put a hundred thousand miles on them, either.

Point goes to Granny. © IDKHow2UseThisApp / Reddit

13. The good approach

When somebody is insulting me without any purpose, I just tell them “Bad day, huh?”.

I swear, 90% of the people almost immediately calm down and even apologize to me, because they seriously had a bad day and they just had too much bad energy without a way to let it go.

There’s no need to fight back, sometimes we need a good approach to end the argument and calm down the attacker. © Exact-Vacation-2140 / Reddit

14. Grandpa vs Daughter-in-law

My son and his newlywed wife were poor college students living out of state. When I went to visit them, I took them to the grocery store and let them fill up a couple of grocery carts that I paid for. As we were leaving the store, I said, “Now, when your kids are poor married college students trying to get by, don’t forget this.”

My new daughter-in-law piped up and said, “Oh, we won’t forget. We’re going to tell them to go get grandpa!” Haa haaa haaa...I love that gal. © JakeInBake / Reddit

15. A child’s honest comeback

My 3-year-old niece came over with her dad, and, as little kids do, just randomly interrupted our adult conversation to say emphatically, “I’m three!”

Me: Wow, sweetie! How did you get so old??

Niece, gently but matter-of-factly correcting me like I am a simpleton who needs help, “Actually, I’m kind of new.”

It’s been months and I laugh every time I think of this story. © gingerytea / Reddit

Some of the best comebacks are life experiences that you never expected. Here are dads who just never saw it coming.