Holidays provide an opportunity for families to reunite, share quality time, and make unforgettable memories. Yet, despite everyone's good intentions, things don’t always unfold as expected. A careless remark or gesture can cause frustration and disappointment. One reader recounted how a Thanksgiving dinner became a dilemma when her mother-in-law’s behavior made her reconsider hosting Christmas or any future family gatherings.
Thank you, Carla, for confiding in us with this delicate issue. To assist you in handling this challenge, we've put together some helpful advice to ease the situation and ensure your holidays remain joyful and free from this concern.
Establish your boundaries and enforce them when needed.
It’s important to address your mother-in-law’s behavior directly. Let her know how you felt when you found the food was gone, and make it clear that deciding who takes leftovers was your choice. Explain that her actions left you feeling disrespected. Although this conversation might be uncomfortable, setting firm boundaries with her will help avoid similar situations in the future. Keep the tone calm yet firm—asserting your expectations about hospitality shows you’re not afraid to stand up for yourself. If your husband doesn’t support you, you’ll need to have a private conversation with him as well. Share your feelings and explain that you believe his loyalty should be with you in this situation.
Consider what you want from future gatherings.
Considering your frustration, it’s natural that you’re rethinking hosting Christmas. Take this opportunity to think about the kind of holiday environment you want for yourself and your family. It could be helpful to step away from hosting for now if it no longer feels right to you. Have a conversation with your husband about your emotions and set clear expectations for how family members should behave during the festivities. If you choose to host again later, consider lowering your expectations to make the experience more enjoyable for yourself.
Include your husband in resolving the conflict.
It’s concerning that your husband isn’t supporting you in this situation. Take some time to sit down with him and express how his mother’s actions have affected you. Let him know that it’s not just about the food—this touches on respect and trust within your family. Ask how he would feel if the roles were reversed, and emphasize that addressing these issues together will strengthen your relationship. This conversation could be a wake-up call for him to offer more support moving forward.
Consider recognizing her contribution to the feast.
It’s natural to feel hurt but remember your mother-in-law contributed in her way, even if it was just cookies. Next time, encourage her to help with other parts of the gathering, like cooking or cleanup. While this doesn’t excuse her behavior, it could lead to more cooperation in the future, where everyone feels involved. Recognize that not all guests contribute equally, but make your expectations clear, especially regarding sensitive issues like leftover distribution. Addressing this diplomatically can help prevent similar frustrations in the future.
Release the need for perfection.
It seems like you were hoping for a different outcome, but sometimes things don’t go as planned, and that’s alright. Take a deep breath and release the anger and frustration from this Thanksgiving. You put in a lot of effort to create a great meal, and that’s something to be proud of, no matter what happens afterward. Life doesn’t always go as expected, and people can disappoint us. Try to focus on the positive—at least you had good company and the love of your family, even if they didn’t fully appreciate your efforts.
Adapting to family dynamics can be challenging, especially when you're still settling in. A newlywed woman recently shared a painful experience with her mother-in-law during a family reunion. Read her heartfelt letter here.
