I Refuse to Agree to the Open Marriage My Husband Suddenly Wants, I’m a Wife, Not a Part of a Harem

This woman had been with her husband for four years, married for one. They had a great life, a strong connection, and a shared vision for a monogamous future. At least, that’s what she thought.

Then, her spouse suddenly suggested they try an open relationship, and when she refused, a chain of explosive events followed. Read on and try to keep calm, because this family conflict is something that may make you burst with emotions.

One desperate wife turned to Reddit to share the story of her family conflict with other people.

The OP shared, “This is really upsetting to me on all accounts and I’m getting mixed opinions from the few real life people I’ve talked to about it, so I could use the advice of total strangers.

I (26F) and my husband (27M) have been married for just over a year and together for 4. We spent a long time before getting married talking about what we wanted out of being married, so I thought we were on the same page about all the important things. I do love him very much. He is sweet, helpful, and generally my dream partner until last week.

Out of the blue, he sat down one night and said he wanted to talk about something. I thought it was just something minor he was frustrated about or a bad day at work or something. Instead, he talked about how he found out that his best guy friend and his wife are polyamorous. He and his friend have been talking about it more and he thinks he might like to try it and wondered what I thought.”

The woman’s husband wanted an open marriage, but she can’t stand even a thought about it.

The OP wrote, “I felt instantly sick to my stomach. We’ve always had a great love life and he’s never given me any reason to think he was interested in anyone else. I told him that I’m not interested in being in a polyamorous relationship. I want to be monogamous with him for the rest of my life.

If it had stopped there, I don’t think it would have gotten so bad, but then he asked if I would read about it and then decide. I said no, I already know how I feel about it. He asked if I would at least think about it and for some reason that just did something to me. Like instant revulsion kind of upset. I got up and told him that I was too upset to keep talking and that I needed some space so I would sleep in the guest room that night and we could talk later.”

OP understands that their marriage is falling apart because of her husband’s desires.

The woman shared, “Ever since that night, I have the biggest ick anytime I see him. He keeps trying to backtrack, but I know he meant what he said about wanting to be polyamorous. It’s not so much that he brought it up, it’s the two other asks after I already said I would never be comfortable with it. It’s like that didn’t matter to him, he thought he could convince me and it makes me feel awful. What else is he going to pressure me about if I say no? And if he already wants to sleep with someone else, how can I ever trust him not do it behind my back?

I’m still sleeping in the guest room and I’m thinking of just asking for a divorce now when it would be simpler to divide everything up and go our separate ways instead of waiting until years down the line when I get my heart broken.

He could go do whatever he wants and I could find someone who just wants a good solid monogamous relationship with me. The idea is killing me, but I feel like it’s going to hurt now no matter what I do. While I do still love him, I don’t think I can ever unhear and unsee my husband asking me for an open relationship and the idea of him touching me makes me feel ill. He’s upset and frustrated that I’m ‘punishing’ him for asking a question, but I honestly don’t know what he expected to happen.”

OP’s spouse didn’t seem to learn his lesson at all.

The woman shared, “I suggested counseling, but my husband does not think it’s necessary. I doubt it will change my feelings, so I’m not going to push for it.

He is being overly protective of his phone after I asked to see a message conversation between him and his poly friend to understand the context of the situation. I would not violate his privacy, but there clearly is something he doesn’t want me to see and that’s enough. It doesn’t matter to me anymore whether there is something already in progress or just the desire for there to be. The shadyness of his behavior tells me what I need to know. I’ve been tempted to contact his friends directly to get their take, but in the event there is infidelity happening, I would rather not burden myself with the details, to be honest.”

People of Reddit rushed to the comments section to give the woman support and advice.

• “I don’t think it’s over-dramatic to get out of a contract you signed with another person when they are trying to change the terms a year into it.” © deadbwalking / Reddit
• “He’s just in a hurry to have an affair with whoever he has his eye on. I’d go with divorce because it wasn’t just a simple question and he knows it. He’s trying to pressure you and wear you down. I’ll bet he and his buddy have a little wife swap pact that she’s blocking.” © babc**k27 / Reddit
  
• “Marriage is essentially a contract between two people. Generally people refer to a marriage ‘certificate’.
  
  OP’s husband, in my opinion, has already got someone in mind. I’ve been married over 20 years and I’ve never even contemplated polyamoury. Sure, it works for some people, but I don’t agree with it.
  
  He’s been with OP for a long time. I proposed to my wife after 6 months and married at roughly a year. I knew a lot about her when we got engaged and after being together a year, I knew almost all her preferences. If I was so inclined, I knew with 100% certainty that she would not be into it. I don’t understand how you can be with someone for that length of time and not be able to read the room.” © gooderj / Reddit
• “Never sacrifice your core principles for anyone else. Truthfully, I have no knowledge of polyamory except to recognize that it seems trendy now. If your husband can be swayed by a friend’s stories to the point of trying repeatedly to persuade you to abandon what you believed were shared values, you may no longer be compatible. If you no longer trust him, divorce. Exploring counseling might make you more comfortable about your decision.” © choppedliver65 / Reddit

Soon, the woman shared an eye-opening update.

Later, the OP shared an update with a stunning revelation. She wrote, “Well, affair confirmed. The people who thought his poly friends were the ones involved called it right. Wife contacted me to come clean and apologize because they were both unaware I didn’t know until now.

They thought we had a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ situation so no fault to them. He lied to them, too. It’s been going on for a few months. A fellow resident needs a roommate so I’m moving in with her in two weeks. My dad and uncle are going to come down to help and be my safety exit plan when I tell him it’s over.

I’m hoping he’ll be amenable to doing this quietly and quickly because I know his family will lose their minds if they find out the whole situation and I don’t want that for him, as hurt as I am about it. I’m going to focus on work and my soon to be roomie is going through a significant breakup as well, so I think we’ll be good for each other. It’s going to be ok eventually.”

Rachel, a 34-year-old reader, recently shared her dramatic story with us in a heartfelt letter. She knowingly entered into a relationship with a married man who had two children, leading to the breakdown of his family. Now, pregnant with his child, Rachel expected him to make a decisive move and divorce his wife. She hoped to legitimize their relationship, believing deeply in the love they shared. But instead, she received an unexpected and unsettling call from his wife, throwing Rachel’s life into a state of turmoil and leaving her facing a difficult dilemma.