I Refuse to Change My Grandkids’ Diapers—I’m a Grandma, Not a Free Nanny

When my daughter-in-law gave birth to twins last year, I was overjoyed. Becoming a grandma was one of the happiest moments of my life. I imagined cuddles, bedtime stories, and weekend visits filled with laughter. I didn’t picture myself knee-deep in dirty diapers, rocking babies to sleep at 2 a.m., or being told I was “on duty” three times a week.

What started as helping became a full-time job.

Hi Bright Side!

At first, I was happy to help out. I knew my son and DIL were overwhelmed with newborn twins. I came over a few times a week to babysit and do laundry. It was exhausting, but I did it out of love.

But before long, my visits turned into full-blown babysitting shifts. No one ever asked if I was free. I’d walk through the door, and my daughter-in-law would hand me one twin and say, “The other one’s on the changing table. Can you handle that?”

Handle what? I’m not a nanny. I raised my own kids already. I didn’t sign up to start over in my 60s. “You’re their grandma,” that’s what she always says when I try to set boundaries, “It’s what grandmothers do.”

But here’s the truth: being a grandma should mean love, joy, and support — not unpaid labor. It doesn’t mean being expected to drop everything, clean up blowouts, and run a daycare five days a week. I tried talking to my son, but he always seems busy.

My last straw.

When I gently said I wasn’t comfortable changing diapers or doing bedtime every night, she got defensive. “So you don’t want to help me?” That’s not it. I do want to help, but I also want to enjoy my retirement. I want to have a life outside of babysitting. And I want to be respected, not used.

The turning point came when a friend from my club pulled me aside and asked if I was really watching the twins “every day for free.” I asked what she meant. Then I saw a humiliating post my DIL had made online on social media, and my blood boiled.

She shared a photo of me with the twins, both sleeping in my arms, and I had somehow fallen asleep with a diaper on my shoulder. She wrote, “This is my built-in free babysitter. Weekend outings with my gals could not have been possible without her. Love you,” along with a poop and heart emoji.

Built-in free babysitter. That’s what I had become to her. Not “wonderful grandma” or “amazing support.” Just free, convenient childcare. It wasn’t meant to hurt me, but it did. It made me feel invisible.

I finally took a stand for myself.

After seeing that post, I sat my DIL down and told her things had to change. “I love you. I love the twins. But I’m your mother-in-law, not your employee. I’m a grandma, not a free nanny.”

She was shocked. She said I’d been so helpful and that she thought I loved spending time with the babies. And I do. But not like this. Not out of guilt or obligation. I told her I’d still visit.

I’d still babysit sometimes — but on my terms. And I wouldn’t be changing diapers, cooking dinner, or staying overnight unless we agreed in advance. She didn’t like it. She yelled and called me “selfish and mean.” But I held firm.

In fact, I used my saved-up money to finally travel instead of giving it to my son and DIL when they asked for it. Now, it’s been weeks, and I haven’t visited her or replied to her texts about her needing my help. I’m loving my solo vacation and peace. Does that make me a bad mother-in-law or a bad grandmother?

Thank you for writing to us. Here are some suggestions you might take into consideration:

Stand Firm Without Guilt — You’re not a bad grandmother for setting limits. You stepped up when they needed you, but it’s okay to say “enough” when the support turns into expectation.

Redefine the Role You Want — Being a grandma should bring you joy, not exhaustion. Make it clear that you want to be involved—but as a loving presence, not unpaid staff.

Let Time Create Space — It’s okay if there’s tension right now. Sometimes a little distance helps others appreciate what you’ve given.

Respond With Grace, Not Obligation — If your daughter-in-law reaches out again, you can reply with love, but stick to your boundaries, “I love you, but I’m not able to help in that way right now.”

Celebrate This New Chapter for You — Retirement is your time, too. Take that vacation. Go to your club. Enjoy being a grandma on your own terms. You’ve earned it.

Family dynamics are complicated, especially when someone you trust lies to you. Here are 12 white lies people told in relationships and got away with it.