I Refuse to Feed My 79-Year-Old Grandma, She’s Asking Too Much

Some families don’t argue about money, they use it to measure love. That’s what happened when one woman, Fiona (F, 26) moved in with her grandmother after her mother’s death, and discovered that grief wasn’t the only thing she’d inherited.

Dear Bright Side,

My mom and I moved in with my grandma when I was 14 years old. My parents had just divorced, and my dad abandoned us both. Mom said she didn’t have a choice. She couldn’t afford rent on her teacher’s salary, and grandma had the space.

It wasn’t an easy life.

Living with my grandma wasn’t easy. If you’re imagining a frail old woman, my grandmother was anything but that. She wasn’t lonely; she just liked control.

Within weeks, Mom was doing everything: cleaning, cooking, keeping track of bills. Grandma never thanked her. She’d just say, “That’s what daughters do.”

I escaped to college.

My mom did most of the chores herself. I noticed, but I was also a teenager, so I didn’t care. My friends and social life was more important to me. Eventually, I left for college and tried not to think about it. Mom stayed.

A sudden death and a choice I had to make.

Last year, mom died suddenly. I was grieving and couldn’t focus on work. My company eventually let me go. I was struggling, sad, lonely, and with barely enough money for rent. I didn’t know what to do, when grandma called.

We had barely stayed in touch after I left for college, so I was surprised. She said, “You shouldn’t be alone, Your room’s still here.” I don’t know if it’s because I missed my mom, but I agreed to move back in with my grandma.

There was a reason grandma wanted me home.

I thought my grandma may have changed, but on the first night, she said, “You’ll handle dinner now, won’t you? Your mother always made sure I ate well.” I nodded. I didn’t know how to say no.

I bought groceries with what little money I had left. Basic things like pasta, chicken, and vegetables. When I served it, Grandma looked at the plate and said, “Your mother never fed me cheap food.” I told her it’s what I can afford, but she got up, grabbed the plate and threw it in the trash.

I didn’t reply. I just stood there. She was loaded, but she knew that I was staying with her because I had nothing. I didn’t know what she was expecting me to do.

The truth is revealed.

A month later, I was clearing out mom’s old desk. In the bottom drawer were folders marked Bills and Transfers. Every month since we moved in, mom had been paying grandma for everything: rent, utilities, and even groceries. We had nothing, and my grandma still took from mom.

Confronting grandma.

Finally, I went downstairs and showed grandma the folder. She didn’t even look ashamed. She simply shrugged and told me she gave my mom a roof over her head.

I knew I had to get out.

The next morning, I left. I found a tiny apartment and, with whatever money I had left, paid the deposit. I’m really struggling. Sometimes, I think of my grandma, and I’m sad.

She’s the only living family I still have, but then I think of how my mom suffered, and I’m so angry! I don’t know what to do right now. Did I do the right thing moving out?

Fiona

Here’s our advice:

• Be kind to yourself when you’re grieving: You’ve faced several life-changing events in the last year. You may be more sensitive to your grandma right now because you’re grieving your mom. Don’t make any emotional decisions while grieving, be kind to yourself and honor what you need in the moment.
• It’s okay to cut off toxic family members: Sometimes people, even family, can do us more harm than good. If you feel drained after spending time with a family member, some distance may be better for the both of you.
• Remember your parents made their own decisions: Right now, it may feel like your mom suffered for no reason and this can hurt when you miss her, but it’s also important to remember that your mom could have left at any time, she chose to stay. Allow that truth to set you free of the guilt.

Family can sometimes take advantage of you. Here’s another story about a woman who refused to pay for her 90-year-old grandma’s groceries.