I Refuse to Forgive My Biological Mom, but My Dad Pushes Me to Do It

When it comes to family, things are complicated. There are a lot of emotions involved, and relationships aren’t always what they seem. One of our readers reached out to share the story that has turned their life upside down.

This is Emily’s story.

Dear Bright Side,

My mother left us a few days after I was born, and neither my dad nor I ever heard from her again. When I asked my dad about it, he said she wasn’t ready to be a mother, and he didn’t want to give me up for adoption. He kept me, they argued and she left.

That was 20 years ago. On my last birthday, I received a letter from a woman who claimed that she was my mother. She said that she wanted to reconnect and get to know the daughter she had given up all those years ago. She said, “It’s time for you to know the truth.” I was furious.

How could she possibly think that it’s okay? How does she think a letter with absolutely no explanation could fix what she had done to me and my dad? In my opinion, she doesn’t deserve a fragment of my attention, not to mention a place in my life.

But I knew my thoughts were based on anger, so I went to my dad. He read the letter and stayed quiet for a good while. Later that day, he came to me and said, “I think you should give her a second chance.” I was shocked to my core.

Of all the people in the world, I expected my dad to understand why I didn’t want this woman in my life. I’ve watched how my dad struggled to put food on the table and get me into the best school. I’ve seen all the sacrifices he’s had to make to give me a good childhood, and it was all because of her.

So I told him that I didn’t feel comfortable with allowing her back into our lives. She made her choice when I was born, and now she had to live with the consequences, no matter how hard they might be. But things took a turn this weekend.

My dad invited me for lunch and when I arrived he introduced me to my mother. He said that he at least wanted to give her a chance to explain the situation. That he hoped it would help me make an unbiased decision.

So I sat down and talked to her, but it didn’t make me feel any better. She said the same thing as he did, but she added that now, in her old age she is regretting her decision. That didn’t change things, though. In my mind, it just made it worse.

I told her that I wanted nothing to do with her. Hurt, I stood to leave. Then she added, “You have to understand that I wasn’t ready. But I am now.” I told her I didn’t know her and I didn’t want to either. We got along fine, and it wasn’t going to change.

Later that night, my dad called me and said that he was disappointed in me. He expected me to be the bigger person and understand that people don’t always see their faults when they’re young. And with age, perspectives change.

He added that she deserves a chance and if I wouldn’t let her in, he would. So Bright Side, am I in the wrong here? Should I give her another chance? Or should I stick with my decision?

Regards,
Emily L.

Thank you for reaching out to us, Emily. We understand how difficult this situation must be, especially since it feels like your dad isn’t taking your side. We’ve put together a few tips that might be helpful.

Separate your feelings from your dad’s perspective.

Your dad clearly sees this differently, maybe because he’s already made peace with what happened years ago. But that doesn’t mean you have to forgive at the same pace. It’s okay to protect yourself and your emotions, even if your dad wants something else.

Define what a second chance means to you.

“Giving her a second chance” doesn’t have to mean jumping into a full relationship. It can mean asking for a proper explanation in writing, keeping contact limited, or even deciding you’re not ready yet. You’re allowed to set the rules here. It’s not just about what she or your dad wants.

Protect your bond with your dad while holding your ground.

He’s been your constant, and this situation is straining things. You could tell him something like, “I understand why you want to give her a chance, but I’m not in the same place as you are. I still love and respect you, even if I can’t accept her back into my life.” That way, he knows this isn’t about choosing sides. It’s about what you personally can or can’t handle.

Emily’s situation is a difficult one, especially since we don’t know why her dad is so adamant about it. But there is still a chance for her to walk away from it with a decision everyone respects.

But she isn’t the only one with parenting struggles. Another one of our readers reached out to us for advice. Read the full story here: I Paid for My Ex to Visit Our Son—Then Learned the Real Reason She Came.