I Refuse to Include My Daughter’s Stepchildren in My Will

Having to make room in your life for stepchildren is common when you marry someone who’s already a parent. But asking someone to alter their plans for step-grandkids might be a bit of a stretch. As with most complex family situations, the answer isn’t that simple.

One reader reached out for advice on dealing with her daughter.

I don’t know if I’ve taken the correct decision. I’m heartbroken, and I’m looking for some advice.

My daughter married a man with two kids. Our relationship has deteriorated since I tried to discuss my will with her. I told her honestly, “They’re not really my grandkids! I’m leaving what I have to you, not them.” Her face fell, and she left without a word.

The next time I visited them, I saw something that broke my heart: the photos with me had been taken off the family wall.

I asked, “Did something happen to my pictures?” She smiled politely and said, “We ran out of space. Had to rearrange.” But I knew it was because of what I said.

That night, I sat in bed feeling torn. I didn’t mean to hurt her. I just didn’t feel that connection to her stepkids. They’re sweet kids, but I didn’t hold them as babies. I didn’t go to their school plays or bandage scraped knees.

Am I wrong for not seeing them as family?

Initially, I was angry and felt so alone. How could she just remove pictures of me from her house?

I am her mother, after all, I thought having images of me around the house would bring her comfort. I understand that she’s grown attached to those kids, but somehow I thought that maybe I’d still come first.

Keep an open and honest conversation with your daughter.

• Your will should be a true and accurate representation of your wishes. No one should pressure you into making a different decision about it—not even your daughter. That being said, she is also allowed to have her own feelings about this. She may feel that your decision not to include her stepchildren in the will translates to you not fully supporting her life choices.
• Try to keep an open conversation with your daughter. Reassure her that you support her and are happy with her family arrangements, but that you prefer to direct your assets solely to her.
• This also may have been her way of silently letting you know she'd like you to spend more time with the kids and get to know them better. They may not be her biological children, but they are her chosen family.
• It's also a good idea to check if it's not a misunderstanding. Maybe your daughter was actually telling you the truth, and simply moved the pictures with you to another location of the house. If that isn't the case, let her know that this gesture hurt your feelings.
• Ultimately, you don’t have to split your will equally among everyone, but is there a middle ground? Maybe leaving a small gift or keepsake for the stepkids would show acknowledgment without altering your main wishes.

One should always aim to have a good relationship with their children, but sharing everything with kids might be a bit of a stretch. Here’s a list of reasons why mother-daughter friendships aren’t always the best idea.