My Daughter Contacted Me After 15 Years — Now I’m Struggling to Trust Her

Much is said about the almost legendary bond between mothers and children. But not all relationships are equal, as this Bright Side reader shows, with her somewhat tragic story. This mother feels that too much time has passed and things between her and her daughter may never go back to the way they once were. She's also distrustful of why the daughter wants to get in touch with her.

"I am in my 60s now, divorced, with two grown-up kids. I also have end-stage cancer."

My son is close to me and is happily married. My daughter and I are estranged, and haven't spoken in 15 years. I don't blame her, I had an affair and broke the family. Although I was in an unhappy marriage, that does not justify it, and I still regret it to this day. He was my boss, the affair went nowhere, and we called it off shortly after.

I felt guilty about it all and didn't want it to remain a secret. I confessed everything to my husband and children. At the time, my daughter was 15 and my son 10. Things went downhill from there.

My husband lashed out and said horrible things about me, and my daughter was even more vicious with her words. From the beginning, she was closer to her dad than me, and this was the final straw. We filed for divorce, and my daughter decided she wanted to stay with her father, while my son wanted to live with me.

“The distance between me and my daughter kept growing.”

She refused to talk to me even when we met. I pleaded for forgiveness, but it's like she simply couldn't stand me anymore. When she turned 18, my daughter cut me out of her life forever. I cried and begged, but nothing worked. Even then, I kept trying to reconnect with her for years before I gave up. When my son turned 18, we moved states.

Years have passed and though the aching sadness is there, I am at peace now. I am retired and share a wonderful relationship with my son and, even more, with my daughter-in-law. They have two beautiful kids, and I admit it, I spoil them. I did well in my career and retired rich, so I can afford to spend time with them, take them on trips and buy them presents.

I wasn't invited to my daughter's wedding but even so, I always tried to reach out, sending letters, holiday cards, and gifts for my granddaughter. The letters and cards were returned, but the gifts were not.

“Out of the blue, I get a call.”

It was my daughter, crying and pleading with me to forgive her on the phone. She repeatedly apologized for cutting off contact, and begged for my forgiveness. She even confessed that her daughter had often asked about me, knowing about me from her cousins and uncle (my son). I was happy to hear from her, of course, but the timing is a little strange for me.

My son knows, and I think he told her about end-stage cancer. We have made peace with it and I have already made my will, and left most of my wealth to my son and his children. I have made a college fund from my daughter's child as well, but only I know about it. While it sounds awful, I'm afraid my daughter might be more interested in my money.

“I'm not sure if she genuinely wants to reconnect with me.”

Given the timing, could it be that she is interested in a reunion only because of my will? Is she looking for redemption, or just money? I am of course willing to meet with her and my granddaughter, but is this actual love for me?

To be honest, even my son is a little unsure, although he tells me he's sure that my daughter genuinely wants to spend time with me. I'm heartbroken to say that I just can't trust my daughter, because I hardly know her now. Am I wrong? What should I do?

Dear Bright Side reader, we feel your pain, and we are so sorry to hear you have cancer. We also feel for you, to have a child pull away from you and stay non-contact for decades is painful enough. To have them come back may have put your emotions though a roller coaster, especially at such a delicate time.

Your distrust is also natural — for her to reach out at this time could mean two things. Either she really wants to make amends and rekindle a relationship, despite the limited time you have, or she might be more interested in you, monetarily. Before you make any decisions either way, here are some points to consider, and take active steps on.

Move on from the past and look to the future.

• Accept Your Mistakes: Firstly, remember that now your daughter is an adult, but when she broke contact with you, she was still more or less a child. Her teenage mind put you in the wrong, and the fact that you accept your mistake, shows that you knew it too.
  Begin by acknowledging the hurt you cause her, which was the reason for the estrangement. At the time, she might have felt betrayed. You admitted it, you broke the family, so the hurt she felt was genuine. It’s important to validate her feelings and experiences even though she remained no-contact with you.
• Be Respectful: That being said, you have a right to feel a certain way too, and the timing is a little off. Whatever you decide, remember to be respectful and polite about your decision - don't add to the hurt with bitter or cruel words. While your daughter is an adult, you are the parent, so try to lead any difficult conversation gently. There will be tears, of course, but let them be healing ones.
• Focus on the Future: You may not have shared a great relationship with your daughter, but there is change to remedy that. Plus, you can forge a new relationship with your granddaughter.
  Are you willing to change? You have the chance to build new family relations, are you willing to take a chance? Discuss this as a family as well, and you are welcome to take your son and daughter-in-law's advice as well.

Test the waters by setting boundaries.

• Set boundaries: Since you feel you can't quite trust your daughter yet, why don't you agree to a few phone calls or a video chat before you meet in person? And when you do meet up, do it at a common, neutral place, like a restaurant. Don't let the conversation enter any monetary direction at all, instead inquire about your daughter's life, her husband, and connect with her.
• Discuss expectations: Be vocal with your questions, how much of an involvement does your daughter expect from you. Explain the amount of time you are willing to give, and why. Consider your health and mental wellness first, and give yourself the required space. Once you have forged a relationship, perhaps meet up with both your son and daughter and reveal the will, explaining the reasons behind it, if need be.
• Be prepared for the outcome: Once you actually reconnect, you may discover that you and your daughter, or granddaughter may forge a beautiful relationship. She may not want your money at all, and just want to reconnect with you before it's too late. That being said, it may go the opposite way too. Just don't set hopes too high.

Seek professional help if needed.

Talking to a mental health expert may help you sort out your feelings better, and they might even suggest that you and your daughter come to counselling together to air out your feelings. If you are willing to invest into reconnecting with your daughter, taking professional guidance may be the smoothest road ahead.

We wish you happy days ahead, Dear Reader, and hope this brings you peace.

Families and relationships can be quite complicated, but if you work on them with empathy and positivity, things can get better. Here's another such story where misunderstandings turned into a financial battle between parents and their child.