My Ex Thinks That His Kids Are My Responsibility

When parents can't agree, divorce might seem like the best way to keep conflict away from the children. Some people stay friends with their exes, but others cut off all contact. This mother, who has stayed on good terms with her ex, now finds his expectations crossing the line, leading her to seek advice anonymously online.

This woman opened up to the online community about the challenges she’s facing with co-parenting.

"My ex-husband (40M) and I (35F) have two children together (12,11M). We divorced about 10 years ago now because I feel like he regressed as a husband and a father during my second pregnancy, and he was even worse when our younger son was born. He was acting like a high school or college kid, or a single 20-something with no kids. He spent more time with friends than with us. His friends were also treating me more like his mom and expecting me to pick him up from their houses when they needed to get on with stuff.

He fought for 50% custody of our kids, which he wasn't given, and for the first two or three years he had every other weekend and a two-week period during the summer with them as well as alternating holidays. He started being more involved and eventually, he did get 50% custody. It was at that time I found out he got some woman pregnant, and he realized with three kids he needed to get his act together."

"He ended up with full custody of his third child. Then he met his wife. They have two children together now. There are two more kids in her life, but I don't believe they're her biological children anyway, who she is also partially supporting. Those two kids don't live with them, but apparently, she/they pay for stuff for these children.

Ex and I started getting along better, but then his marriage was rocky. As his marriage worsened, he started treating me like a co-parent to all his kids. He'd bring his other children to custody exchanges and expect interactions between me and his other children. Then I was requested to babysit for him and his wife, which I never did. Then it was commented about our boys' old clothes at my house being sent to his house for his other kids and how we needed to make sure they had adequate clothing."

"I told him there was no we in that, and he said of course there is, we're co-parents. I said of our two, sure, but not his other kids. It was a request for me to have his children in my home or to take them out to eat with me and our kids. And finally, it has turned into back-to-school craziness.

I bought supplies for the boys, and he told me I hadn't bought nearly enough for everyone. I was like hold up, what's that supposed to mean, and he pointed out that what I bought wouldn't be possible to share evenly between all five children. I told him we don't have five children, we have two, the two I bought those for. I told him I am responsible for our children, not his three others. I told him he has a wife, they share two of those children, the other is in their home, so it's up to them.

He told me that I know they don't have a lot of money, and I cut him off and told him that still didn't make his children my problem. He said I can't possibly take care of just two of them, not when we're co-parenting and all five kids live together 50% of the time. He said I should be a part of the community to help raise these kids, and keeping my distance like I do is so dang cold."

Her post ignited a flurry of responses on Reddit, with many people eagerly sharing their thoughts on the situation.

• "I would tell him, 'If you expect me to provide financially for your other children, you will need to get a court order directing me to do so. Until then, I will provide for MY children only. You made the choice to have more children with a different mother. I did not.'" mdthomas / Reddit
• "Watch out. This happened to my cousin and his ex-wife. She actually told a judge that she needed more child support because she had other children. You need to know what is going on in his house when it comes to your boys. Therapy for your boys might be necessary to them being honest with you.
  I strongly suggest that you don’t have them bring anything that you bought them to go to their father’s house. Chances are your ex will make them share it. Especially expensive electronics. Possibly clothing.
  My poor godson is still dealing with this as an adult. He knew that his mother was using him to get more money. Your boys will see their father doing the same in a different way." Bfan72 / Reddit
• "'I told him we don't have five children, we have two,' keep saying this until he understands it. You are not responsible for his choices. Does he expect the other parents of his children to pay for yours? He's being absurd." diminishingpatience / Reddit

• "You already know this, but you're not the parent of his three other kids. He's trying to guilt-trip you when he talks about money. Don't fall for it.
  They're not your responsibility. Your kids are your responsibility. No one else." DogsReadingBooks / Reddit
• "Tell him no problem. You are more than willing to take full custody of your sons, and he can just pay you child support. Then he and his wife will only have to provide for their three kids." PassComprehensive425 / Reddit
• "Your ex-husband is completely out of line for expecting you to be a co-parent to his other three children. You have a responsibility to your two children, and while it's admirable if you choose to help out with his other kids, it's absolutely not your obligation. He and his wife are responsible for their children, and your financial responsibility ends with the child support you provide for your own kids." Dazzling_Kennyshia / Reddit

• "He keeps using the term 'co-parenting' quite liberally - I don’t think it means what he thinks it means, to be honest. You are co-parenting with him with your two kids - he seems to think any kids HE is responsible for is whom you are co-parenting.
  You are not crazy. You are not wrong. You are not selfish or uncaring, or whatever nonsense words he is throwing at you right now. He is desperately trying to manipulate you into joining his circus. But they are not your monkeys, not your circus." tiredunicorn53 / Reddit
• "What is he thinking here? What happens when your boys get older and start having more expensive things? When they start driving? Are you supposed to buy his kids a car too? He's out of his mind.
  You are not part of his village, and the sooner you drill this into his thick skull, the better. Make sure you keep track of your son's belongings, or they'll end up being given to the other kids. Save receipts, label clothes, keep electronics at your house, etc.
  You have about 7 more years of this nonsense. I'm sorry for you. Make sure your kids know that their stuff is theirs, and they are absolutely ok with not having to share or give away their things." Lisa_Knows_Best / Reddit
• "He’s an entitled, lazy freeloader. You’re providing for YOUR children. The other children have two perfectly competent, able-bodied parents. They shouldn’t have had more kids if they couldn’t afford them. You should spin it back on him and be like, 'And where were you when I needed a co-parent?'" ConsciousAnalyst1922 / Reddit

A 35-year-old reader wrote to us, worried about her kids being around her ex-husband's new wife. She noticed something very troubling and wanted her to stay away from her children. Read more about it in this article.