My Ex-Wife Cheated for Years—Now She Wants a Birthday With the Whole Family

Family dynamics can be complicated, especially when betrayal is involved. This Reddit user found himself in a tough spot when his ex-wife, who had cheated on him, asked to move back in after a breakup. While he wanted to help, the pain from their past made it hard to even consider her request.

Their marriage fell apart because of her affair.

I (40’sM) was married to Martha (40’sF) for over 16 years. We had two kids together in that time who are now teenagers. Our marriage ended after I learned of Martha’s three-year emotional affair with a man she was talking to online. This was not the only reason our marriage ended, but it explained the problems we’d been having.

Martha and this man never met each other in person, and that was mentioned in the hopes I would try to work things out. Yes, they said a lot of things, and she had developed strong feelings for him, but they never met face to face.

That was what I heard a lot of. Even without meeting or anything physical, it was way too much. She still cheated and treated me awfully.

But that wasn’t the only issue.

I couldn’t do anything right. She complained I wasn’t working hard enough to provide for us and if I passed up on overtime, she’d give me hell for it. But she’d also complain I was working too many hours. Then she complained when I wanted to go out for date nights and accused me of taking away from time we could spend as a family with our kids or wasting money. Yet, she complained when we didn’t do something together.

Our anniversaries were the worst. For the last two of our marriage, she got mad at me for getting her gifts she loved and wanted. She’d say I was trying to show her up or make her feel guilty for not being as good of a wife as I was a husband.

Whenever I spent time with our kids, she accused me of trying to poison them against her or win them to my side. At the time, I had no idea what she was talking about, and I told her. She said kids always have a favorite parent, and I was trying to cement myself as theirs.

After years of unhappiness, the truth came out.

One day I asked her what she wanted from me because nothing I did was right anymore, and she told me I needed to learn when I was wanted and when I wasn’t. All this because apparently I was acting like a baby when I tried to make a big deal out of date nights.

Anyway, the truth came out when her sister had confronted me over something Martha said, and then I went to confront Martha, and she was messaging him when I got there. She confessed and showed me everything. I went through every message, and she begged to save our marriage, and she apologized for how she’d been treating me.

Martha and this man were saying “I love you” on a daily basis, and she was talking to him at night while we were in bed together, and I was asleep. They wrote out very emotionally intense and graphic situations that they imagined being in with each other.

Now, he’s fighting back.

We divorced, Martha tried to fight it, but I told her I would not stay. Now we’re a year out from our divorce and Martha has still not let go. Our kids know about her affair (she confessed to them) and it opened their eyes to some things they never witnessed.

As a result, they don’t want a relationship with her, but they are still forced to see her one weekend a month. They do not, however, have to see her on her birthday, or theirs, or for holidays. Martha’s birthday was last weekend and our kids already had their visit done, so they didn’t see her.

She wanted me to agree to a family day with the four of us for it and I refused and when she pushed I told her she needed to find her soulmate (her emotional affair partner) and celebrate with him. I told her I had nothing to celebrate about her anymore, and she broke down.

Then her sister came for me for being cruel. She told me it was bad enough losing me, and she didn’t deserve to lose the kids as she did, and my cruelty was wrong when she’s still the mother of my children.

I feel like I had a very good reason. But maybe I was cruel, and it’s not justified. Was I the one in the wrong here?

Reddit users weighed in with their thoughts.

• She could have very easily planned a birthday day for herself and the kids when it was her time to have them. You do not have to agree to everything she asked. Still your life to control. I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it if I were you.
  © MissionSpecific5283 / Reddit
• She complained about every single thing no matter what you did because she needed you to be the villain in her story, to justify her cheating and all the other stuff she put you through. She was the one unleashing cruelty on you for years.
  Your decision is justified. If your teens didn’t want to see her, you did the right thing. Can’t you just block her sister at this point?
  © Low_Temperature9593 / Reddit
• She’s completely delusional if she thinks that losing you (she didn’t even appreciate you at all anyway) was anyone’s fault but her own. The reason the kids don’t want her around is for the same reason you don’t want her around (or be around her): Because she destroyed the family.
  © Lotex_Style / Reddit
• Your wife made her choice the minute she started cheating. She knew what she was doing and risking every time she messaged, but she chose to do it anyways so that’s on her. Tell her sister to mind her own business.
  How your kids feel is up to them, and them not wanting to spend time with her is the consequences of her own actions. She doesn’t get to flip it all now and ask to spend time with you when it was so offensive to her before.
  © goddessofspite / Reddit
• Good job. Don’t let her manipulate you. She created this situation, so allow her to reap the consequence. You did nothing wrong or cruel.
  She is not your wife, partner or anything else. She is just a woman who happens to be the mother to your kids. You owe her nothing, not compromises or consideration of her feelings.
  © Complete-Record5167 / Reddit

It’s important to set boundaries, even with family, to protect your emotional well-being. Just like in a similar story where a man had to face the harsh reality of raising his child. Sometimes helping means making tough decisions for your peace of mind.