My Husband Critiques My Look, but the Real Problem Is Much Deeper

💬 “You don’t look like a mom.” After welcoming their baby boy 8 months ago, this couple is navigating what motherhood “should” look like. She thinks staying true to herself makes her a better mom; he sees things differently. Who’s right in this clash of expectations?

Dan and I have been married for 3 years, and 8 months ago we welcomed our amazing son into the world. He was very planned and wanted, and motherhood had been transformative for me. I was able to take 4.5 months of maternity leave before going back to work. Without going into too many details, we both work white-collar jobs that require professional attire.

A normal workday look for me is a skirt or pair of slacks, a silk blouse, pumps or boots depending on the weather (but always with a heel because I’m 5 feet nothing), maybe a blazer if I have a big meeting. Dan wears a suit almost every day. I also style my hair and do some makeup for work every day. This is what I wore before our son was born and what I continue to wear.

Dan and I are pretty even in sharing parenting duties. I tend to take mornings because I’m more of a morning person than Dan. A normal morning for me starts early, short workout, shower, get baby up, get ready, get baby ready, and baby off to Dan because the daycare is on Dan’s way to work. I’m normally dressed at the tail end of this process, but I keep my robe on over my clothes in case my son wants to give my outfit something to remember him by on our way out the door.

For the last month or so, Dan has been more irritable than normal in the morning. There have been side comments if he gets up, and I’m drying my hair or getting dressed—basically, if I’m not 100% focused on my son in the am. Our son is happy playing and supervised, so I just chalked it up to morning moodiness, but it’s been getting worse.

Last night I brought it up in what I thought was a neutral, non-confrontational way. Basically, his answer was this: his mom was 100% a mom after her kids were born. She gained a fair amount of weight after she had kids and never tried to lose it. She wore sweatpants every day and worked a job where she wore a uniform, so if she wasn’t in her work uniform, she was in sweats and a t-shirt.

She never did her hair or makeup. Her entire identity was being a mom, and she shared with me how hard it was to watch her kids start their own lives. Dan thinks I don’t care about our son as much as he does, since I worked on losing the baby weight and still put effort into my appearance.

I feel like keeping this part of my identity actually helps me be a better mother. I love my son, but I’m still me, and I still have the things I like to do. Dressing well, blowing out my hair, and doing my makeup is therapeutic to me.

Now that being said, my son is my life, and if I knew that not doing those things would guarantee him a happy, healthy life, I would stop immediately. I told Dan that my son and I have our morning routine, and he gets lots of time and attention before I go to the office. Dan said he wasn’t looking to fight, but he just wanted me to think about my priorities and my time management.

Is it normal for new moms to totally sacrifice all the things they like to do? Is this a sign of something deeper I need to address with my husband?

Redditors sided with the woman:

• If your life becomes your children, who are you after they leave? @nogoodthrowaway / Reddit

• Some women become stay-at-home moms after having children. Others go back to work. There is no blueprint for what you “need” to be like. Having a job does not make you less of a mother or woman.
  Your husband is being silly and closed-minded. @Unknown author / Reddit

• Sounds like Dan wants you to be HIS mom—not a mom, but HIS mom. What she did was typical for many, but also what you are doing is typical too. It sounds like you have your head on straight. @RobotPartsCorp / Reddit

• He should stop projecting his views of motherhood and memories of his own mom onto you. It’s inaccurate and just a little creepy. It sounds like you’re spending time with your kid, so he has nothing to complain about.
  I can’t even begin to attempt the amount of logical gymnastics that would get me to think that dressing like a slob means you somehow love your kid more. @mcq76 / Reddit

• Tell him you expect him to wear sweatpants, gain weight, only talk about his son, never go on nights out, or he’s not a good enough dad. Sound insane and unreasonable? Exactly.
  Also, frankly, it’s good that you’re addressing it now. Don’t let him bully you into isolation or more than your fair share of family duties. He is not a mum, he doesn’t get to dictate how you are a mum. Retaining your independence and sense of self is immensely important at this point in your life. You are more than a childcare vessel, just as he is more than that.
  Also, point out that you aren’t his mother. Frankly, it’s weird that he wants to remake you in her image. @FeelingFascination / Reddit

Some people suggested their view on how to hold the further conversation:

• I would ask him if he can name one area or task that you need to improve on, related to actually mothering your baby, and not what he thinks a good mom looks like physically. Are you not quick enough about changing his diaper? Are you inattentive when he needs to be held? Husband’s being totally unreasonable if he can’t name a real result. @Unknown author / Reddit

• Tell him you’ve thought about it, and you’d really like him to articulate what critical baby needs he feels you’re neglecting in the time it takes you to get through your morning routine. Does he really think you wouldn’t drop everything and go attend to your son in case of an emergency?
  And how exactly does he feel that he is a better person today for his mom not having taken the time to get dolled up every now and then? Or if he does think your kids would benefit from having a parent who’s less career-focused, why does that obligation fall to you and not him when he’s the one who feels so strongly about it?
  Having a baby changed your lives: it didn’t change who you are, and you are a working woman who wants to present herself professionally while she’s on the job. If that’s a problem for him, then the two of you do need to have a substantive discussion about where these expectations are coming from and exactly what he thinks your priorities should be.
  Especially if you’re planning on having more kids. Because if this is what he expects of you, imagine what kind of example he’s going to try and set for your daughters. @Unknown author / Reddit

• You need to tell him, “I am not your mom, and while I’m sure your mom was a great mother, her way is not the only way. I am going to be a great mom in my own way.”
  You shouldn’t have to discard who you were to be a mom, and the good news is that you don’t. Tell him that if he has specific problems with the way you are parenting, then you will consider them in a reasonable discussion, but that you won’t tolerate any more implications that not acting like his mother means you aren’t being a good mother. @Dolomite808 / Reddit

One woman revealed the reality of being raised by a mother who made motherhood her entire world:

• I’m the daughter of a mother who devoted her entire life to her children. It sounds awesome, but trust me, it was hell. I’m 29 now and still in therapy trying to deal with understanding my childhood.
  What happened was that my mom lost whatever identity she had once she had kids. And our happiness was her happiness, but not in a good way. I remember sneaking deodorant into my backpack because I was too scared to ask her for some. She found it, and I still remember the look on her face—pure disappointment and hurt. I was 13.
  I was never taught how to do my hair. Never taught how to do makeup (still learning), and I was never encouraged to be my own person because she was not HER own person. And every time I tried—listening to gangster rap (and the CATS soundtrack, because yes) or wanting to buy clothes from Limited Too (instead of wearing what she bought me)—I felt a tremendous amount of guilt.
  YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING. I wish, even to this day, my mom had some sort of identity. She still struggles, but I can’t be part of it anymore. I want so badly for her to find herself and be happy, and it hurts my heart so much when I think about it, but for my own health and sanity, I just had to really go low contact and be very vigilant on the topics of conversation.
  There’s so much more I could say, but I want you to know that this could potentially be the alternative. Your son will grow up being able to discover himself, have confidence, stand up for himself, and be a good person because he will be watching you, and you will encourage it through your actions. @mwbrjb / Reddit

One of the Redditors said, “Could you imagine this from the other side? If OP’s husband posted saying how upset he is with his wife for losing the baby weight, returning to her high-powered job, doing 100% of the childcare in the morning while still managing to get ready herself, and daring to not wear stained sweatpants and ripped T-shirts every day?” Well, this sounds hard to believe. Just like these stories that are packed with weirdness and mystery.