11 Methods of Upbringing That Create a Huge Gap Between Kids and Parents
Parents don’t always think about what they’re saying to their child. Sometimes they might yell at them after a hard and tiring day, other times, they might ignore their kid’s fears. In most cases, all this is done for educational purposes and with the best objectives. But as we know, good intentions are not always enough and sometimes parents’ ambitions or inattentiveness might spoil their kid’s life greatly.
We at Bright Side believe that parenting can be done in a conscious and educated way, that’s why we want to show you how important it is to listen to your children.
They make kids clean up their room when it’s actually pretty neat.
Of course, it’s necessary to teach your kids to organize their space, but don’t turn it into a punishment. We all, even adults, try to avoid punishments instinctively, which means your kid simply won’t clean the room at all because this process will become something negative for them.
- I would return home and find all my things, that I had already put away in my drawers and closet, had been taken out and put on the floor. And, of course, it was complemented by seeing my mother with her arms on her hips, explaining to me that there shouldn’t be such a mess in my room and that my clothes (that were now on the floor) could have been folded better and organized more neatly, saying, “You are a girl!” Of course, between cleaning up and lying down, I will now choose the second option. © SelestaVonGebel / Pikabu
- My sister still hates Christmas because our family would start a general cleaning up 2 months prior to the holiday. All the stuff from the closets and cupboards would be taken out and washed. © Chmyz / Pikabu
- Once, my mom got upset that I didn’t take out the garbage and she threw all of the contents of the garbage bin on the floor in my room. But that alone wasn’t enough for her and she had put all my clothes and books in this pile. I still get terrified when I see a crumb, a speck of dust, or a dried drop of water. © chebozka / Pikabu
They monitor every punctuation mark in their kid’s homework.
Education is an important thing, but researchers show that even senior high school students shouldn’t be sitting over textbooks for more than 2 hours. It will neither bring them better grades, nor increase their knowledge, but it will definitely create tiredness, anxiety, and an unwillingness to learn.
- When I was in elementary school, I used to be afraid to do homework when my dad was at home. All because, even if he saw a tiny mistake, he would tear off the sheets from my notebooks and would make me rewrite everything from the beginning. After that, I developed a complex: because of my handwriting, I was afraid to write anywhere except notebooks. © URIb80AJPGIsZIv / Twitter
They emphasize gender-stereotypes.
“My mother continuously housed and protected my abusive older brother. After years of making excuses for her and trying to force a good relationship, I couldn’t keep going because I’d reached the last straw. My dad finally got full custody over me and now I don’t have to ever go back to my mom’s!”
It was fairly recent that pink used to be considered to be a man’s color, while blue used to be the color for women, that’s why relying on such controversial statements is not something parents should do during upbringing. Moreover, scientists have continued saying that the separation of something like toys, on the basis of gender, doesn’t bring any benefits to the child.
- My husband’s granny was an avid gardener. After she got into an accident, she hasn’t been able to walk freely (only with crutches), which is why I now take care of her garden. If my husband’s friends offer their help to plant something or plow the garden beds, she doesn’t let them do anything. It’s me who must carry, plow, and plant everything. His granny says that they are still little boys. “What about me?” “You are a woman, you must be knowledgeable and strong!” I am 25, the “boys” are 27+. © Xomyakozavr / Pikabu
- Me: “I want to attend a driving school.”
Mom: “Do girls go there?”
Mom: “There are only boys there.”
Me: “Why? You know that girls can drive too...”
Mom: “Yes, but you are a girl why do you need this?”
Oh, sure, why would I need to move from one place to another? That’s totally logical... © kissy_louis28 / Twitter
They cater more to the younger kids, than the older ones.
Of course, parents are simple humans, with feelings and emotions. They don’t always manage to love their kids equally, but still, there is no need to play favorites so vividly.
- A sketchbook, some crayons, my paint, and my main tool, my magic wand, which was actually an automatic pencil, were my treasures. It was my little world that I loved tenderly. So once, I come home and see THIS: my little sister is happily coloring something and finishing my illustrations in my sketchbook with my crayons that can’t be erased. I got hysterical and my parents came running. My mom pulled the sketchbook out of our hands and... gave it to my sister! It was a major betrayal... “We will buy you a new one!” I don’t need a new one... I need my sketchbook, with its atmosphere and characters who are dying right now. © KagamiAmaya / Pikabu
- It happened when I was 15. My friend’s birthday was approaching, so I decided to make a card for her by myself. I happily took out my set of 2-sided colored paper, which I had bought a long time ago... and it is all cut into pieces. The places that are not cut, are all drawn over. The rhinestones I had for decoration were all scattered too, only 1/4 of them were left. I felt so hurt... I couldn’t help but burst out crying. © Liroluka / Pikabu
They demand perfect results from their kid in everything.
“I’m in the midst of eating disorder recovery and my mother decided to tell her boyfriend and my grandma that I’ve gained weight. I’m really trying to not let it upset me.”
A child always seeks to please their parents, and to do everything they want them to. If a child can’t work it out, they will start blaming themselves for that, lose confidence, and start to think that they don’t deserve parents’ (and others’) love.
- I was a scoutmaster at a kids’ camp. We had a competition and my group got 2nd place. After finding out the results, one of the girls started to cry bitterly. It took us some time to calm her down, after which she told us that her mother scolds her loudly at home and that she punishes her for ANY imperfect result: like a “B” mark" instead of an “A” or 2nd place instead of 1st in any competition. © NeverBetter / Pikabu
- My first panic attack took place at the age of 6-8 because of “rewriting.” I liked reading books, but I didn’t like to write a reader’s diary where you need to retell the plot of the book and express your opinion. Once, after finishing reading Robinson Crusoe, I simply wrote, “I didn’t like it.” My mom got furious, started to yell, and made me write the “right” opinion, having torn the previous page from my notebook. I heard everything as if I was lying underwater, blood started to run out of my nose, and I had a blackout. Even after this, I felt guilty. © KayJavis / Pikabu
They forget that kids have a different reaction to adult issues.
Adults are people who have already formed, both physically and mentally. And they have the ability to cope with emotional issues. But a child’s psyche is still being formed and sometimes, even a little excitement, like for example, a quarrel between mom and dad, is enough to start a storm. Kids don’t understand what is happening and that’s why they feel guilty for everything.
- At the age of 6, I started to have nightmares where my mother was turning into a witch or a monster covered with some kind of ulcers, trying to pull pieces of meat out of me. Having learned about my horrifying dreams, my mom said it was all because of some quack doctor old lady my parents visited one day. However, the rational part of me suggested that everything was more about conflicts between parents which, at that time, were regular. © JeanP69 / Pikabu
- My granny keeps saying to me for the third year in a row, “Give birth to a baby while you are young, it doesn’t matter whether you have a man or not — nowadays, it’s not a big issue to find someone. If you don’t need the kid, give them to me — I’ll raise them while you work. It will be too late soon!” And she doesn’t consider this to be savagery. © cgifhd / Twitter
They think they know what kids need better than themselves.
“My mother has convinced me that I’ve turned into a horrible person. But in the last 6 months, I’ve left a toxic relationship, gone back to school, and learned to say ’no.’”
There is always the temptation to tell a child what it is best to do, because an adult is more experienced and is right in most situations. But if parents go too far, the can deprive their baby of independence and the right to their own choice. It can result in a complete lack of independence with age.
- From my very childhood, I’ve disliked buckwheat and peas because my head would itch every time I ate them and my throat would become sore. I kept complaining about this, but my father and my granny were titanium, like a wall. “You are just pretending!” “Eat it with milk and everything will be fine.” But once my throat started to get even more sore, it was painful for me to swallow and even breathe. I was almost fainting. That finally made my family sign me up for a doctor’s appointment where it was found out that I have a strong reaction to buckwheat, milk, peas, and a little less strong reaction to chocolate, ice cream, nuts, and the list goes on. © ThreeNity / Pikabu
- My mother had proudly gotten her college degree and wanted me to get one too. She was always trying to protect me from bad, in her opinion, friends. My classmates would always tease me and the teachers would pretend to not notice it. It was forbidden for me to communicate with people I was interested in. I lived under this regime until I was 25 — literally until the moment I moved out. I still have problems with communication and can’t come to terms with my personal life, while my mother persistently demands grandchildren. © Morkovkina19san / Pikabu
They use horrifying stories as a method of upbringing.
There are a sufficient number of reasons for worry in the world — there is really no need to add one more. Parents should always remain an island of tranquility for their kids, be the people who children can trust and who will always protect them. When making our kids afraid, we destroy all of these important bonds.
- Once my husband and I took the kids of our relatives to an entertainment center where we learned many “life hacks” on raising children. The youngest sister started to tremble when she saw a trampoline. She said, “Her father and stepmother said that kids who jump on trampolines will be grabbed and taken away by a huge spider who lives under the trampoline.” “Let’s go to the movies,” I offered. “No, a scary clown lives there and he takes and eats those who go to the movies often.” When these kids started to attend school, they were diagnosed with impaired mental function and sent for treatment. © xxxlll / Pikabu
- My mother would scare me in childhood, and say that if I don’t wash my hands before eating, worms would appear in my stomach, I’d lose my appetite forever, and I wouldn’t be able to eat anything. But I certainly am not suggesting that this could be the subconscious reason why I now nervously wash my hands 40 times a day. © Wizard_Severus / Twitter
They forget that a kid needs personal space.
“Are there people who had their parents put up cameras in their room? Here’s mine...”
Psychologists agree that both kids and adults need their own personal space. A little kid who is deprived of their own privacy closes off from their surroundings and the world, and can be prone to depression, insecurity, and distrust, which can lead to serious communication problems in the future.
- “There is nothing that is yours here.” This phrase that parents say will certainly make a kid feel like a stranger in their own insecure “home.” © bl****emaria / Twitter
- My mother liked to secretly read my diary, where I would write down my worries, and then prick me with this information when she was scolding me for doing something wrong. I started to write in a diary because when I secretly told her that I liked some boy when I was studying in a primary school, she talked about it to all my grannies who laughed at me, in a kind way, in their opinion. Eventually, I stopped writing in any diary and started to keep everything to myself. © AnaChell / Pikabu
- While I was living with my mom, she would always check my belongings, read my personal diaries, check my bags, and peep at me in the bathroom (in my older teen years!). Now I am 27, I am married and have a kid. I have been living separately from her since I was 21. But even now when she comes to visit her grandson, she will check the closets while I’m not looking, move our belongings to a different place, and even leave a couple of comments a-la “make sure to fold your lingerie in a neater way!” © Lilu72 / Pikabu
They care about their kids too much and forget that they should learn through their own mistakes.
Sometimes it might be hard for parents to refrain from helping their kids when they see them encountering some difficulties. At the same time, it’s necessary to keep a balance between care and the wish to take everything in your kid’s life under your control.
- Once, I was visiting my friend who has a 4-year-old son. When she put meat into the oven to roast it, she surrounded the oven with barricades of chairs so that her son wouldn’t burn himself. I asked her why she doesn’t explain to him that the oven is hot, that he should stay away from it, and to not run around the kitchen. Her son is very smart. But she sincerely believes that her little one doesn’t understand anything. © mamochka.ut / Pikabu
- The other day I heard a woman complaining that she was tired and that her back hurt because she had been shoveling snow in their yard. Her husband is on a business trip, but she also has 2 sons: 15 and 16 years old. When I asked why her sons didn’t do it, she replied, “You know, they are still too little!” © etsamoed / Pikabu
- Our neighbors have an only child, a daughter who is hyper-cared for by her parents. She’s already 24, but she goes shopping with her mother, she has never been to a party with her friends, and she lives like she’s in a cage. © tylersbestfrenn / Twitter
They buy bigger clothes so that they fit longer, forgetting about their kids’ tastes and feelings.
Clothing is important because it reflects a person’s culture, personality, and preferences. Also, clothes affect our mood. And what kind of mood is a child going to have if they have to wear something similar to a shapeless potato sack all the time?
- I was soon-to-be graduating from school and went to a store to buy a prom dress with my mom and granny. I chose a dress and tried it on — it fit me perfectly. But my mother said it was expensive to buy a dress for one evening and added that we need to buy a bigger one. I tried on another dress: it showed my bra, the neckline was in the wrong place, the waistline was on my hips but my mom said that we would correct it at home. I cried bitterly and thank god, my granny stood up for me and bought me the dress in my size. By the way, my mother didn’t go to the prom with me. © dashibatecat / Pikabu
- My parents bought me gym pants that were so big, I could fit my whole body into them completely (head to toe). I looked like a clown from the previous century — the pants came up to my chest. I was the star of the lesson. Maybe my mom was expecting me to grow into a 10-foot ogre. Now that 20 years have passed since those times, I found these pants in the depths of my wardrobe, tried them on again, and the result was exactly the same. © MalkMalkovich / Pikabu
What was your childhood like? Can you say that your parents did everything correctly?