Divorce is a hard and painful process for everyone involved, and it seldom goes smoothly or peacefully. The protagonist of our article learned this from his own experience: he chose to end his marriage with his wife, and his son despised him for it. But after a few years, the child apologized, except that the father was not pleased about it at all.
Here is how the man described the situation: “My ex-wife and I (45 y.o.) got together in our teenage years. Got married at 21 and had our son at 22. After our son was born, we slowly started to drift away. When our son was about 11 or 12, I decided to pull the plug on my marriage.
I don’t know why, but my wife was very shocked. By that time, we already had a dead bedroom for about 4 years and haven’t had any deep discussions for about the same time. I was just done. It took about a week for me to move out and all this time my ex cried all the time, begging me to stay. But I stood my ground.
My son was very angry at me and wouldn’t talk to me at all. I understood why. In his eyes, I was hurting his mother. When I finally moved out, he didn’t want to see me at all. I tried really hard, came regularly to see him, but he always told me he hated me and ran to his room. I was devastated.”
“The divorce was finalized in about a year. Custody was in place for 50/50. We got my son in therapy, but it just didn’t help. He hated my guts to the core. I never wanted to force him to go to my place. I could, but didn’t want him to resent me even more.
I still wanted to be there for him, went to his games, sent him birthday and Christmas gifts, but he shut me out completely. Last thing he told me is that he doesn’t want me at his events anymore. I went to my ex house a couple of times, but she always told me that he doesn’t want to see me and that she wouldn’t make him.
At this point I was cut off completely. I found myself in a long dark road of depression and pain. It was like my son died. The lowest point of my life. But one day I woke up and was just done. I rebounded and have since moved on. I met my wife, and we have two beautiful kids.”
“Life was great again. Until about a year ago, when I got email from my son. He apologized for everything. That he recently got a child and started reflecting and realized how horrible he was to me. He wanted to reconnect and be in my life again. There was much more in email, but I don’t want to share for privacy reasons.
I didn’t feel anything when I read this mail. I didn’t respond. Since then, he sent about 15 emails detailing what is happening in his life and his kid. I never responded, but I figured I at least owe him some kind of closure. I didn’t send it yet. It goes:
Dear son, I would appreciate it if you stop sending me emails. I went through hell and back to be at this point in my life. I have a family again, and I’m very happy right now. I understand you have regrets and some guilt about the past, but I hold no resentment towards you and I forgive you.
Bringing you back into my life would introduce complications I am not willing to face for my own good and that of my family. I simply can not give you what you seek. I want no further contact. I hope you understand and wish you all the best in your life. Goodbye.”
Absolutely do not send that email. Your son was a child and he was hurt. You’re the adult here. He is now too and realizes his mistake. Go to therapy. Learn how to forgive and have a great relationship with your son and grandchildren and involve your new family you’re getting a second chance The divorce was a shock to him and his mom
“I didn’t send it yet and finally told my wife what is happening. She read all the emails and my draft and was horrified. She begged me not to send it and open my heart for him. We argued and a demand for therapist came up.
She even told my parents, and my mom went nuclear. She started berating me like I was a little kid again. I don’t know why she doesn’t understand. She was with me all this time and saw what I went through.
In the end, she told me if I did this to him, she would do the same to me. I was speechless. I don’t even know what I seek here. I went through similar stories here, and a lot of the comments were not nice to people in my position. I don’t know. Maybe I am a bad person and need to hear it.”
So you walked out on his mother. Did he see his mom crying and begging you to stay? No doubt he witnessed her grief when you left. Could she have influenced his feelings towards you? After she stopped crying she probably went through a long stage of anger, that played out in front of him. You left a kid to be the man in his mother's life and he was doing the best he could to protect her. You need to stop focusing on how you were hurt and understand that you're leaving devastated him.
The readers had a similar reaction: they were appalled by the man’s cruelty, they advised him not to send this letter to his son, but to seek professional help for himself.
After facing more than 10 thousand angry comments under his post, the man seemed to have a change of heart. Here is what he wrote, “I see now that I should look at his actions from a child’s perspective. I already have therapy scheduled for today.
I deleted the draft and somehow reluctantly agreed that my mother write him an email to establish contact. She loves my son very much and was shut off, just like me. It means everything in the world to have her grandson back in our lives. I will discuss with my therapist if that is the right way to go.
Contrary to popular belief, my wife and mother don’t see me as a monster. I’m not getting divorced anytime soon. The three of us had a very emotional discussion, and I know they were just trying to help me. Things were said in the heat of the moment, but all is well between us now. We will see how the future unfolds.”
We hope that this man will be able to reconcile with his son. The positive thing is that sometimes there are ways to prevent a breakup, and this article offers some tips from a divorce lawyer on how to avoid becoming their client.
You had a rough go with the boy. You tried professional help to no avail.
Eventually, you got the closure you needed. Then, years later, the son inserts
himself back into your life. I'm apparently one of the few who thinks that
protecting your closure was important enough that sending him the email
that you initially composed would have been an acceptable course of action.
I hope everything works out for you, with or without the boy in your life. Maybe
a third person relationship through your Mom would be workable for a while.
Good luck ~
