I Refuse to Be Held Responsible for the Parents Who Abandoned Me

All families are complicated, but as we grow older, we learn to ignore the parts of our childhood that hurt us and try to make the best of our situation. But sometimes a single question can pull the past out of the dark and place it right in front of you. That’s what happened to our reader, Samantha (28, F).

Here’s her story:

Dear Bright Side,

When I was a child, my parents decided to migrate overseas. They took my siblings with them, but they left me behind with my grandmother.

Their reason was simple. They said they could not afford to bring everyone, so they took the younger children who needed them more. My siblings were too young to question anything, and nobody ever asked me what it felt like to watch your entire family board a plane without you.

I spent my childhood waiting.

I thought that when my family settled down overseas, they’d send for me...but they never did. Each time I spoke to them, our calls would always end in an argument. They would accuse me of not understanding the family’s financial situation, and I would be upset that they didn’t want me to come.

My grandma finally stepped in.

When I was 15, my grandma wrote to my parents. She was growing older, and her health was declining. She wrote to my mother and asked her if I could join them.

Her reply arrived in a short, blunt message I will never forget: if I wanted to migrate, I would have to pay for my own ticket. Not a cent of help. Not a gesture of welcome and not a sign that they missed the daughter they left behind.

I worked hard to join my family.

I was still a kid, but I worked hard. I got a part-time job after school and saved every bit of money I could. Eventually, I paid for tickets myself because I still hoped that once I arrived, things would finally feel like family.

A rude awakening.

When I finally joined them, I realized my family wasn’t struggling financially. My siblings had everything provided for them. School fees, clothes, activities, and even holidays.

They were treated like children who were part of the home. I was treated like a babysitter. I looked after my younger siblings, did chores, and when I was old enough for college, I had to pay my own way through my degree.

I stayed because they were my family.

My siblings were too young then to realize any of this. They grew up thinking we all had the same story.

Three years after I left my grandma, she passed away. My parents and siblings were the only family I had left, so although I was away in college, I stayed in touch and spent holidays with them. My parents were indifferent to me, but my siblings and I got along.

The trip that brought back old memories.

Last year, on a vacation with my siblings, my youngest brother told me he pays our parents’ mortgage and most of their expenses. Then he asked why I was not contributing. The question hit me harder than he expected.

He had never asked why I did not grow up with them. He had never asked how I paid for my own migration. He had never asked what I went through while he was living the childhood I never got.

So I told him everything: about being left behind, having to pay for my own tickets, the grandmother I had to leave behind, and the indifference I grew up with. He stared at me quietly. Then he told our parents.

The aftermath.

My dad called me later. He brought up old arguments but ignored the context behind them. I reminded him of what they did: leaving me behind, making me pay to join the family, using me as free childcare when I arrived, giving me responsibility but no affection or support.

He refused to engage, and the conversation ended abruptly. I don’t know what he told my siblings, but they stopped answering my calls.

And once again, I’m left alone.

Now I am in no contact with all of them. Not because I wanted distance but because the truth created a distance they did not want to cross. I’m all alone again and left wondering: was I wrong in refusing to help financially and explaining my reasons when I was asked?

Samantha

Dear Samantha, thank you for writing to us. This is an incredibly painful situation to be in, and we hope you find your answers soon. Here’s some advice that may help you:

• Your childhood deserves validation: What happened to you was not a misunderstanding or a difference in perspective. It was abandonment followed by emotional and financial neglect, all of which can continue to affect you in adulthood. A therapist can help you process that reality in a space where you are finally believed and supported
• You are allowed to live for yourself now: You spent your childhood trying to earn a place in a family that should have welcomed you without conditions. You spent your teens working to join them. You spent your early adulthood taking care of everyone but yourself. It’s time to choose you.
• Healing takes guidance: Therapy can help untangle the guilt that was placed on you and separate your worth from your family’s treatment. It is not about fixing you. It is about freeing you from narratives that never belonged to you in the first place.
• Let go of responsibility that was never yours: You were a child when they left you behind. You were a teenager when they made you pay your own way. You were never responsible for holding a broken family dynamic together.

Parents favoring one child over another is a tale as old as time. Here’s another story of parents who chose their son over their daughter.