I Refuse to Be My DIL’s Punching Bag — in My Own Home

You should never feel uncomfortable or unwelcome in your own home, especially because of someone who married into your family. Some daughters-in-law act like getting married gives them the right to change how the whole family works and push out people they don’t like. They can even try to take away your place in the family you spent your life building.

This is Helen’s letter:

Hi Bright Side,

My DIL always criticizes me. One day, she even kicked me out of my own kitchen: “Your cooking is embarrassing.” I smiled and agreed.

Next week, for Sunday dinner, she showed up, dramatically pulling out her food containers. But her face turned bright red when she noticed right next to her place setting was a beautifully printed menu I had created, listing every dish she had brought as “Tonight’s Catered Meal by Sarah” with a note at the bottom thanking her for “relieving the host of cooking duties.”

I had spent the morning creating professional-looking menus for each family member, complete with descriptions of her store-bought items written in fancy restaurant language. Her “gourmet mac and cheese” became “Artisanal pasta in aged cheddar reduction” and her rotisserie chicken was listed as “Free-range poultry prepared by our guest chef.”

Everyone loved the creative menus and asked if I was going to do this for every family dinner. My son laughed harder than he had in months, and even my grandchildren thought their “fancy restaurant dinner” was hilarious.

What made it perfect was that I hadn’t been sarcastic or mean—I had genuinely treated her contributions like a catered meal, which is exactly what they were. She couldn’t complain about being insulted because I had technically honored her request to take over the cooking responsibilities.

Since that dinner, she’s been much quieter about criticizing my cooking, though she still brings her own food. The family dynamic has shifted slightly, and I think everyone realized how ridiculous the situation had become when it was presented so formally.

However, this is just one small victory in what feels like a larger conflict. She continues to make comments about my housekeeping, my parenting style with the grandkids, and pretty much every aspect of how I live my life. I’m tired of feeling like a guest in my own house whenever she visits.

I love my son and grandchildren, but I’m starting to dread family get-togethers because she constantly criticizes me and tries to control everything. I need advice on how to stand up for myself and feel comfortable in my own home without ruining my relationship with my family.

Sincerely,
Helen

Dear Helen, thank you for sharing your creative solution to such a frustrating situation. We can imagine how draining it must be to constantly feel judged and criticized in your own home. Your menu idea was smart because it handled the problem with humor instead of starting a fight, and we hope our advice helps you keep standing up for yourself while still getting along with your family.

Set clear house rules that apply to everyone.

Your home, your rules—it’s really that simple. Make a mental list of behaviors you won’t tolerate and calmly enforce them every time. If she criticizes your cooking, housekeeping, or parenting, respond with something like “I’m comfortable with how I do things in my home.” When you stop engaging with her criticism, she’ll realize her tactics aren’t working anymore.

Stop trying to please her.

You’ll never make her happy, so stop exhausting yourself trying to meet her constantly changing standards. Cook what you want, decorate how you like, and parent your grandkids in ways that feel right to you. When you stop seeking her approval, you take away her power to make you feel inadequate. Focus on the family members who appreciate you instead of the one person who never will.

Respond to criticism with confidence.

When she makes negative comments, try responses like “That’s your opinion” or “I see it differently” instead of defending yourself. Don’t let her turn conversations into debates about your choices or abilities. Sometimes the best response is simply changing the subject or walking away. She can’t argue with someone who refuses to participate in the argument.

Focus on your relationship with your grandchildren.

Build strong, independent relationships with your grandkids that don’t depend on her approval. Plan special activities, create traditions, and be the loving grandparent you want to be. Children see through adult drama and will remember who made them feel loved and accepted. Your relationship with them is separate from whatever issues you have with their mother.

Have you ever felt like you were being pushed out of your own space by someone who married into the family? Maybe you’ve found creative ways to handle criticism without starting fights, or perhaps you’ve had to reclaim your dignity after feeling bullied in your own home. Share your story in the comments—we’d love to hear how you stood up for yourself while keeping the peace!

And while you’re here, don’t miss this powerful story from another reader: “I (64F) live 2,000 miles away in my dream retirement home. My daughter wants me to sell everything and relocate to be her free babysitter. I refused. “You don’t love your grandchildren!” she yelled. At 2 a.m. my son-in-law called screaming: “Your daughter is...” 👉 Click here to read what happened next.