I Refuse to Carry the Weight of My Parents’ Retirement, No Way They Move Into My House

There might come a time when we become the parents to our own parents, especially as they age. But what if your parents have no retirement plan and no money? Would you really leave them alone? That’s exactly the dilemma a woman faced, and here’s what her mom said when she refused to have them live with her.

My (28f) mom (55f) and dad (57m) have no real retirement plan. They have no savings, their house is not paid off, and they spend like they will always have money coming in.

My dad works a physically demanding job and his health has been going downhill slowly through the years. My mom will not work. She got a nursing degree, but only used it for about 5 years. She has anxiety, depression and chronic pain that makes working hard. Her student loans are also not paid off.

My mom has been telling me that they plan to live with me when they are old, just like my mom’s mother does now. I’ve tried to be nice about it. She never really took “I don’t even own a house” for an answer.

I did not leave my parents’ house until I was 27 for many reasons, so I relied on them for a long time. I did pay rent when I worked. A lot of my guilt is coming from how much they have given me. If I wanted or needed something, I got it, my whole life. I guess that’s part of the problem.

They always seemed to think it was me that would take them in, even though I’m the youngest of 3. I have an older sister (31f), but their relationship is strained. She does not plan to take them in. I have an older brother (33m), who just moved out. He feels that he might have to take them in someday.

I don’t know how his girlfriend feels about that. A large part of my brother’s paycheck was going to my parents for rent and other expenses. Now that he’s moved out, they will have a lot less extra income.

The subject of money was brought up again when my mom mentioned she bought a $2,000 snowblower because, once again, theirs broke. They put it on a payment plan since they cannot outright spend that much. I mentioned my worries about their finances and future.

When she waved it off, I finally told her they can’t live with me when they are old. I said, “I can’t watch you spend all of your money and expect help later when you don’t have any.” It did not go well. She said I was a horrible daughter and how she didn’t raise me like that. She said she was ashamed of me.

She went on and on about what she did for her parents. And I know, I was there. I was there when they built them a deck and laid hardwood floor. I was also there when they asked her parents for money, over and over, to put in their bank account to reverse the overdraft fees. They were never good with money, my whole life.

We haven’t said a word to each other in over a month. I’m not really sure how to break this stalemate. If it wasn’t for my fiancé (31m) I probably would just fold and let them live in whatever future house I might have. I and my fiancé currently live in a 1-bedroom apartment together. So am I wrong for telling my mom (and dad) that I can’t be their retirement plan? © WildLocksmith3840 / Reddit

Most Reddit users agreed with her:

• Ask yourself if, when you have kids, will you expect them to owe you for you raising them? It was your parents’ choice to procreate and have you, it was their choice to keep you to raise, you had no choice so you do not owe them for raising you.
  You should not feel responsive for them making bad decisions or for their lack of planning. If they choose to stop talking to you, just take that as them being selfish. © ConfusedAt63 / Reddit
• Keep extending that month. Why do you think your sister has a strained relationship, and neither you nor your brother should be a soft landing for your parents’ non-adult behavior? Short of a full intervention where a financial planner is in attendance, you shouldn’t have to be alone with your manipulative, guilt-tripping parents. © LoveAliens_Predators / Reddit

• They are grown adults and 100% responsible for themselves. Do not let them destroy your future because they were irresponsible. You gave them fair warning and make sure you follow through.
  You have your own life to live in a family to support, and they should do the same. Your best option is to move as far away from them as possible and go low contact. This will not end well no matter what. © Legal-Lingonberry577 / Reddit
• Your parents are supposed to do those things for you. They gave birth to you. You didn’t decide to be born. Your mom seems a lil manipulative.
  I personally would stand my ground, and I would probably tell my siblings to do the same so they can get their act together. © Emergency-Bag-2249 / Reddit
• My mom is living your future life. Don’t do it. She always felt guilty because my grandparents helped us, and it was expected she would help in return. It is such a toxic dynamic.
  Being a caregiver is hard, but when your parents automatically demand it, it’s soul-crushing. They need a serious financial plan, and you need to set your boundaries and repeat them now. © Necessary_Sir_5079 / Reddit

• You’ve made your case. It is great that your parents took good care of you, because it was their job to do so. But that shouldn’t obligate their children to support them in retirement. They should have made at least basic efforts to save. They haven’t made good financial choices, and continue to make poor choices.
  You deserve to live your own life. Please work on your own financial literacy so that you don’t go down the same path. You may end up needing to help them financially at some point, but don’t let them drain you. Pay yourself first with retirement account and savings contributions.
  They should be thinking about downsizing house, pets, and spending across the board. (I know, you tried!) But it sounds like they’re going to wait until they’re destitute to sound the alarm on themselves.
  Make sure you and your fiancé are not in a position to absorb them into your household. I know that sounds cold, but they’re in the position they’re in because they failed to plan, and they’re not listening to you when you try to help them avoid future destitution. © Becalmandkind / Reddit
• I will never understand why parents expect their children will support them when they’re elderly. I’m old, living only on social security, and it’s a huge fear of mine to someday not be able to maintain a separate life. I’d rather live in my car than intrude on their lives. © Clean-Fisherman-4601 / Reddit

• They chose to have kids, not a slave. It’s a parents’ responsibility to raise their kids. Not the kids to raise their parents. © angrypassionfruit / Reddit
• You are not responsible for your parents. Do not let them guilt-trip you. They are adults and need to have figured this out on their own. Please enjoy your life and live life. © Electronic-Value-662 / Reddit
• I have a daughter. I would give her everything I have, no question. Except for one thing.
  I will not give her the burden of looking after me when I get older. It won’t even be a conversation. © chez2202 / Reddit

We’re often raised to believe that family should come first and that it’s our duty to support those we love, especially our parents. But is it always like that? Read more here.