I Refuse to Drain My Life Savings to Support My Spoiled Daughter

Many parents face the challenging decision of when to stop financially supporting their adult children. The line between helping and enabling can be blurry, especially when emotions run high and family relationships are at stake. One of our readers is grappling with this exact dilemma after her daughter’s reaction to being told “no” took an unexpected turn.

Here’s Margaret’s story:

Hi Bright Side,

I worked double shifts my whole life to save for retirement. My daughter, 28, demanded I give her a huge sum monthly while she searched for her “dream job.” I said no. “You’ll regret this!” she screamed.

At 3 a.m. I got a call: “Your daughter has filed a complaint with Adult Protective Services claiming you’re financially neglecting her and that she’s your dependent.”

I couldn’t believe it. The officer explained that while the claim was clearly false, they had to investigate. My neighbors saw the social worker come to my house, and now I’m mortified. My daughter, Jessica, has always been dramatic, but this crosses every line.

For context, Jessica has a college degree and is perfectly capable of working. She quit her last job because her boss “didn’t appreciate her creativity.” Before that, she left another position because the hours were “too demanding.” She’s been unemployed for eight months and living in my basement rent-free.

I’ve already paid for her college, her car, and countless “emergencies” over the years. The worst part is, she’s turned some family members against me. She’s telling everyone I’m “abandoning” her and being “selfish with my money.” My sister called me yesterday saying I should “just help her get on her feet.”

The APS investigation was dropped within a week, but the damage to my reputation in the neighborhood feels permanent. Jessica hasn’t apologized—instead, she’s moved in with her aunt and continues to bad-mouth me to anyone who’ll listen.

I’m 58 years old and finally close to the retirement I’ve worked toward my entire adult life. Was I wrong to refuse her demand? How do I repair the family relationships she’s damaged? And most importantly, how do I set boundaries with an adult child who seems willing to destroy my reputation to get what she wants?

Please help,
Margaret

Thank you so much, Margaret, for trusting us with such a personal and difficult situation. Your letter shows the heart of a parent who has given so much while trying to maintain healthy boundaries. The fact that you’re questioning yourself shows your caring nature, but please know that setting financial limits with adult children is not only appropriate—it’s necessary for everyone’s wellbeing.

You made the right decision by setting financial boundaries.

Standing firm on your financial boundaries was absolutely the correct choice, even though it felt difficult in the moment. At 28, your daughter is a fully capable adult who needs to learn independence and responsibility.

By refusing to provide monthly, you’re actually helping her develop crucial life skills that she’ll need for long-term success. Remember that saying “no” to unreasonable demands is an act of love, both for yourself and for your daughter’s future development.

Address the family division with honest communication.

Reach out to family members who have been influenced by your daughter’s narrative, and calmly share your side of the story. Don’t bash your daughter, but do provide context about the pattern of behavior and the unreasonable nature of her demands.

Be patient with family members who need time to process this information—some may come around once they see the bigger picture. Focus on facts rather than emotions when explaining your position, and emphasize your love for your daughter while maintaining firm boundaries.

Consider professional family counseling.

Look into family therapy options that specialize in adult children and financial boundary issues. Even if your daughter initially refuses to participate, you can benefit from individual counseling to process these emotions and develop strategies for moving forward.

A professional can help you navigate the guilt and family pressure while reinforcing that your boundaries are healthy and necessary. If your daughter eventually agrees to joint sessions, a neutral third party can facilitate conversations about expectations, respect, and healthy family dynamics.

Offer limited, structured support instead of money.

Consider creating specific ways to help your daughter that don’t involve direct cash payments. Offer to pay for professional resume writing services, interview coaching, or job search platforms directly to the providers. Set up a weekly coffee meeting where you discuss her job search progress and provide emotional support and guidance.

Make it clear that this support comes with expectations—she needs to actively job search and provide updates on her efforts. This gives her the help she needs while encouraging personal responsibility and accountability.

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