Family vacations are meant to unite us, yet this year I made a choice that shocked everyone: I left my daughter-in-law out of the trip. It was a difficult decision, but one I felt had to be made.
Hey there, Bright Side! I’d like to share a personal experience. What’s done is done, but I keep questioning whether my actions were fair or if I was in the wrong. I’d love to hear from your readers who they believe bears the blame in this situation.
My daughter-in-law and I aren’t very close, but I thought we were getting along fine. She’s been married to my son, Jack, for two years. At first, I didn’t support their marriage, but I accepted it for my son’s happiness. They now have a beautiful son I adore. I’ve been trying to build a better relationship with my DIL, but it’s been really difficult.
Why should she apologize for her reaction to someone who has intentionally tried to embarrass her. That maybe the reason why she didn't support their marriage ( mothers intuition). And DIL married INTO the family knowing this is what HIS family does. Instead of DIL asking how can I help- while MIL is really putting forth the effort she gets called controlling- ps maybe no one else wanted the job of planning a huge family vacation- jmt-ijs
She often makes sarcastic comments, and I can’t help but feel they’re aimed at me. At family dinners, she’ll roll her eyes at my ideas or brush them off as “old-fashioned.” The breaking point came at Jack’s birthday. Every summer, we take a family trip, and this year my husband and I picked a lakeside cabin for fishing. Everyone seemed happy about it—even my daughter-in-law—until she embarrassed me in front of everyone by saying, “You only plan these trips because you can’t stand letting anyone else be in charge.”
The room went quiet. Later, in the kitchen, Laura repeated herself. “I didn’t mean to upset you, but you do like being in control,” she said gently, though it still felt like a dig. That night, I decided I couldn’t tolerate a week stuck with someone who didn’t respect me.
The next day, I told Jack I didn’t want Laura on the trip. “I just need a break from the tension,” I explained. He was upset and said he didn’t want to be caught in the middle, warning me that Laura wouldn’t take it well. He was right. She later called and accused me of being controlling again, even claiming I was tearing the family apart. I honestly don’t understand where all her anger is coming from.
Even with all the drama, we went on the trip, and it was incredibly peaceful. Without Laura’s sarcasm, we laughed more, relaxed, and truly enjoyed ourselves. But since coming back, she hasn’t spoken to me or visited, and she’s keeping my grandson away, which is really upsetting. Should I apologize to my daughter-in-law? What’s the best way to handle this now?
The daughter-in-law did not bring it up in a very constructive way, but maybe the mother-in-law is rather controlling. I know people like this, that don't do it to be nasty, but do themselves as great organizers, and like to do the planning. If the mother-in-law and her husband are the ones paying for the family vacation, it would seem sensible that they would be the one's making the majority of the decisions. On the other hand, however, it would seem reasonable that they would ask for some input from other members of the family. When all is it said and done, however, if some parents invite their kids to a family vacation, it is kind of up to the parents to pick the vacation if they're paying for it.
Hi Liza! Thank you for opening up and sharing your story. Family conflicts are never easy for anyone involved. Here are some suggestions on how you might approach the situation moving forward:
Apologize if necessary: If leaving her out of the trip caused pain, think about apologizing. It doesn’t mean you were completely wrong, but it demonstrates that you care about the relationship and want to heal any rifts.
Acknowledge her feelings: Reach out to your daughter-in-law and try to understand her perspective. Even if you are still not on the same page, showing that you’re open to understanding her side can help rebuild the relationship. A simple line like, “I didn’t mean to hurt you, and I’d like us to work things out,” can make a big difference.
Bring in a neutral party: If feelings are intense, ask someone impartial, like Jack, to help mediate. He can guide the conversation and ensure both sides are heard calmly and fairly.
Establish boundaries kindly: As you work on repairing the relationship, be clear about your needs. Calmly explain how hurtful comments affect you and suggest ways to improve communication going forward.
Consider your perspective: Pause to think about your part in the situation. Even if you felt justified, reflect on how Laura might have seen your actions. This awareness can help you decide the best way to move forward.
In a different letter, a woman explained why she chose not to financially support her retired mother. You can read her story here.
I am always amused when these OPs choose to take the "nuclear" option (telling your son you don't want HIS WIFE on a family trip) .... and then go into martyr-mode when the person they have ostracized fights back.
The OP totally and deliberately tried to cut her DIL out because she got called on her (the OP's) control issues....
The OP should not be at all surprised by her DIL reciprocating..... the OP playing "long suffering martyr" just doesn't cut it..... SHE'S THE ONE WHO STARTED THIS.
If DIL thinks MIL is only planning trips let MIL TELL DIL AT NEXT GETHERING....SINCE THINGS DIDNT GO WELL FOR YOU AND I AT LAST TRIP
HOW ABOUT YOU PLAN THE NEXT ONE.
SHE PROBABLY HAS NO IDEA WHAT ALL GOES INTO SYNCING DATES. TRANSPORTATION. PLANNING .MEALS. ACTIVITIiES. Not to mention costs. Who pays for what. Did mom pay for it? OR did that have to be agreed on. DIL sounds very whiny. Hope it doesn't rub off on the baby. And petty to not let you see the child. Why isn't your son stepping up. And he CERTAINLY IS NOT A NEUTRAL PERSON FOR GO BETWEEN. VERY BAD TO PUT HIM BETWEEN MOM AND WIFE.
Apologize and let her know the next vacation is on her. Her plan her dime. She is in full control just tell you where and when.
She gave her opinion and she was entitled to. We still have freedom of speech...for now. When she kept it up, she crossed the line. Even if you are what we in the South call "an officious old biddy), it is still your home. She should have excused herself for an existing event she had already planned and called the day spa. If she wants to help plan she should use her words instead of this passive aggressive behavior. It makes everything difficult and ruins the peace. So yes she can speak up, but she should have asked instead of taking potshots at her MIL. You did not say if you and your husband were paying, but if you were, it is even more tacky. So I give you full permission to not apologize. She could have come to you and talked about this without the personal attacks, even if she felt provocation. She can approach her next year or let her plan and pay. My guess, if you were paying, there was somewhere else she wanted to go on your dime.
