I Refuse to Let My Wife Compare Our Kids’ Looks—Not on My Watch

Having kids is a wonderful experience. We love them with all our hearts because they help grow our families and strengthen our marriages. But this Reddit user’s wife is making him question the whole situation with her comments about the baby’s looks.

She started making comments.

I am a 30-year-old Belgian (Flemish) guy and my wife is 28 and Chinese. We already have two sons, one is five and the other is one, and she is pregnant again with our third boy.

For context, I am blond with blue eyes and my wife has black hair and brown eyes. She is also quite tall for a woman, about 5’8 or 173 cm, and very pale, even lighter than me.

Our oldest ended up with brown hair and green eyes, and our second surprised us by coming out blond and blue-eyed. Since the day he was born, she keeps saying how lucky he is to have blue eyes and blond hair. At first, I thought it was just her way of complimenting him, but it has not really stopped.

Now that she is pregnant again, she keeps saying things like, “Wouldn’t it be great if this one also had blond hair and blue eyes?” It started to rub me the wrong way so one day I told her I actually hope this kid has dark hair and brown eyes because it would be cool if he looked like her for once.

She did not take it well and said I was overreacting. She said I twisted her words and that she does not favor one look over another. According to her, I should not have thrown that at her.

But from my side, I don’t think I said anything wrong. Sure, I admit I said it on purpose to give her a taste of her own medicine, but it’s also true that both our sons don’t really show strong Chinese features.

And I honestly think it would be nice if our third son looked more like her. That said, I’ll love him either way.

So, am I wrong?

Some feedback from Redditors.

• My mum spent my childhood saying she wished I had got my dad’s blue eyes and black curly hair instead of her brown eyes and brown dead straight hair. She unintentionally made me feel ugly for years, which confused me because I thought my mum was beautiful. Those insecurities 100% get passed down when they are vocalized, especially when it’s frequent.
  © anoby_rand / Reddit
• Has she said this in front of the oldest kid? If I were them, I’d feel like my mother didn’t like the way I looked. She should get happy regardless.
  What if it has dark eyes and blond hair, or brown eyes and blonde hair? Think it’s weird to go on about it so much.
  © MummyEvans / Reddit
• Both blond hair and blue eyes are recessive, so it’s very likely that your wife has European ancestry. If she grew up being unfavorably compared to family members with lighter hair and eyes, she may have internalized the belief that those features are inherently better than hers.
  © big_bob_c / Reddit
• So this is a silly argument. Neither of you have any power over what genes your third will inherit. Both of you need to let it go.
  © Busy-Bumblebee5556/ Reddit
• The younger kid might be blonde now, but his hair can turn brown as he gets older... I have blue eyes, and I was blonde as a kid, and my hair turned brown by 5th grade.
  © IcyMan***6*** / Reddit

• Maybe if you’d said it a little more kindly? Like “Honey, I love you more than anyone, and I would love to have a miniature you.”
  © Classic_Cauliflower4 / Reddit
• While my oldest can open my phone with Face ID, none of our normal things such as hair color, eye color, body shape would ever lead you to believe we were related. My youngest is a mix of my husband’s family but never a single person. Genetics are crazy, but still somehow manage to create the most perfect people who ever existed.
  © Equivalent_Key7428 / Reddit
• Honestly, it never crossed my mind to give any consideration to my kiddo’s hair & eye color. I find it so bizarre that people actually wish for their children to have something different than what they were born with. I have never heard anyone, in my family or otherwise, even mention it. Ever.
  © Few-Cod-6623 / Reddit
• These comments stick with children forever. Even if they are young, they do hear what is being said, and it can be internalized. Comparing children can lead to the “less desirable” child to feel less than.
  © Inevitable-Task4373 / Reddit
• Try being the red-haired daughter to a mom with black eyes, black hair, and brown skin. She hated my hair so much and kept it in a very short pixie cut for my entire childhood.
  © Sondari1 / Reddit

What do you think Bright Side? Is he overreacting? Or is his wife in the wrong? And what can he do to solve his problem?

One of our readers reached out to share the story of how their wife was treated. Read the full version here: My Wife Tried to Impress My Family—They Responded With Cruelty.