I Refuse to Pay for My Stepson’s College After My Wife Lied to Me

Stepparents often give everything and still feel like outsiders in their own families. When a cruel remark pushed one man to withdraw his stepson’s college savings, an accidental discovery made him question it all.

Hello Bright Side,

I am married. My wife has a son from a previous marriage, Ben. I treated him like he was my own kid for 12 years. I showed up to his games. I helped him with his homework.

When my wife and I argued about his grades, she snapped, “Why does it bother you? He doesn’t even see you as his dad.” So I told her I was done paying into his college fund. If I’m not his dad, then I won’t act like one.

A week later, Ben asked me to check his laptop because it was acting up. While trying to fix it, I opened his documents folder. That’s when I saw a draft titled “Scholarship Essay.” I didn’t mean to read it, but the first line had my name in it.

He wrote about how I stepped up when his real dad walked out. He called me “the only stable person I’ve ever had.” He wrote that I push him because I care. He said he wants to make me proud. I just sat there staring at the screen, shaken. I fixed the laptop and left.

Now I feel sick. My wife had been lying to me about how he felt to win an argument, and I’ve made that statement about the college fund. If I admit I overreacted and leave the money, I look weak. If I don’t, I hurt a kid who trusts me.

What do I do?
Jamie

Hi Jaime,

Here are 3 things from your letter that we want to highlight:

1. Your wife lied to you, trying to win an argument.

2. You decided to stop the payments because your ego was hurt.

3. Your stepson didn’t know you would read the essay. So he didn’t perform for you.

All in all, it’s a pretty easy task, which is about your ego only. You wrote: “If I admit I overreacted and leave the money, I look weak.”

And we ask: To whom? Your wife? Your stepson? Or your reflection in the mirror?

So what do you do?

• You restore the college fund if you’ve already cut it.
• You tell your wife that using Ben is unacceptable. And you have to agree that you have the right to make decisions related to him since you’ve been basically raising him.
• And you let Ben feel what he already believes—that you are steady.

That’s it.
Bright Side

Jamie’s wife used their son to win an argument. But what happens when a partner turns an entire Valentine’s Day into a secret test? One woman refused to split a dinner bill—and her boyfriend’s reaction revealed who he really was. Read on: I Refused to Pay for Our Valentine’s Dinner—Then I Learned the Heartbreaking Truth