I Refused to Tell Anyone Who My Child’s Father Was—Now He’s Back

When the father of her child unexpectedly comes back into her life, she’s forced to confront the past she hid from her family for years. Now she has to decide how much of the truth to reveal without causing irreversible damage.

Hi, I’m not really sure how to start this. I’m in a really uncomfortable situation and would appreciate some outside perspective.

Back when I (24F) was in college, I had a serious relationship with someone I’ll call Luke (26M). We dated for a little over a year and were pretty serious. I got pregnant. It wasn’t planned, but I decided I was going to keep the baby. Luke initially said he’d support me. We agreed to tell our families and figure things out from there. The next day, he disappeared. No calls, no texts. A couple of days later, I got a package in the mail with some cash and a short note that just said something like, “For the abortion.” That was it. I never heard from him again.
I was angry, embarrassed, and honestly overwhelmed. I ended up moving back home and raising my son on my own. I didn’t tell my family who the father was. I just said the relationship didn’t work out and that I didn’t want to talk about it. They didn’t push.

My son is two, and things are okay. A few weeks ago, my sister (28F) told us she was bringing her new boyfriend to her birthday dinner. It was Luke. We both immediately recognized each other, but neither of us said anything in front of anyone. I left the dinner early. I think I just felt stunned and unsure how to even process it.
Later that night, he came by and asked if we could talk. He told me his parents found out about the pregnancy back then, and that they pulled him out of school and cut him off from me completely. He said they were the ones who sent the money and the note. He thought I’d had an abortion and that it was over. We talked for a while, and he asked if I was going to tell my sister.

That was a few weeks ago. I haven’t told my sister anything, and Luke hasn’t reached out again. I don’t want to lie to my sister, but I also don’t want to cause drama if this relationship fizzles out on its own. At the same time, if he stays in her life long-term, it feels worse to stay quiet.
I’ve been avoiding being around them. I think she’s noticed. I don’t think she suspects anything, but I also know I can’t avoid this forever.

All commentators united in one opinion—in this situation, honesty is the key.

• This isn’t the type of secret you keep from your family if you care about them. Your sister needed to know the first night what type of person she was with. You need to fix this now before this all gets deeper. © Safe-Damage-409 / Reddit

• It will be awkward, but I think it’s going to be even more awkward when your son gets older and your sister realizes who he looks like. You should tell her so there’s no weird surprises. © Unknown author / Reddit

Some people didn’t believe the guy and claimed he hasn’t changed at all:

• I understand not wanting to tell her, but you have to. Given the fact that he’s hiding this from your sister is a clue enough that he’s still a selfish person who hasn’t changed. He definitely knew he was just using his parents as a scapegoat. You can tell by the fact that he STILL doesn’t wanna be involved with his son. The beginning of the relationship is the best time to tell her. Don’t let her fall in love with him and then pull the rug out from under her. Be honest & she can make her own decisions from there. She will feel so betrayed if you don’t. © Thick_Secretary3701 / Reddit

• So now Luke suddenly knows he is a father. Has he done anything about his son? Has he offered money, wanted contact, or anything? Say his story is true, his parents put down the boot and forced him away, he was scared and young. OK. It’s three years later, and now he knows. He doesn’t see his responsibility now?
  Because I would want my sister to know this. Also, pretend they stay together and it’s serious. IT WILL COME OUT AT SOME POINT. And suddenly, you’re going to be the one who lied about it. © jello-kittu / Reddit

• So now he knows you had the child, and instead of stepping up with support or addressing what role he could have in the child’s life, he’s concerned about whether YOU are going to tell your sister. Which lets you know he sure isn’t going to.
  You don’t know if the story about the parents is true. Or what story he might make up about what happened between you to tell your sister. © F33lin_Fr0ggy / Reddit

• It makes it hard to believe his sob story when he seems to be pretty happy to still not tell the truth to someone else who he’s in a relationship with. Your sister needs this information now—before she invests too deeply into this relationship. Good relationships cannot be built on the foundations of lies. Give her the information so that she can make informed decisions. © Mouse589 / Reddit

And with today’s DNA kits, the truth will finally come out:

• Ask yourself if the tables were turned, how you would feel. Could this ruin your relationship if it comes out later?
  Also, causing a little drama now might be worth preventing a family split later. What if your sister gets pregnant? Do you really want her suffering the way you did? How will she feel when she realizes you kept this from her? How will this make your child feel, seeing their dad be the dad for their cousin, but not you? Let’s be honest, with today’s DNA kits, it will come out eventually.
  Maybe let your sister know that you are okay with her choice to stay with him, or not, and that by telling her, you are not trying to influence her relationship. Let her know you just want her to know everything because you love her and don’t want to keep secrets from her, and you felt like keeping this would cause her more pain, and take away her voice in how she feels about this very random and unlikely situation. © Crafting_with_Kyky / Reddit

• If it’s 18 years down the road and the kid gets a DNA test and potentially finds out that the cousins are also half-siblings. That will be a nuke in the family. Better to let it out now before it gets worse. © Safe-Damage-409 / Reddit

• It’s a confusing situation all around, but if you don’t tell her...
  If you don’t tell her and they stay together, what happens when your son grows up and does a DNA test and learns he is the father? Then it’s this huge secret you kept for years from your sister.... If I were the sister, and that was the way it worked out, I don’t know if I would want you in my life anymore.
  It’s going to be a hard conversation and might even have a bad outcome, but I think you should tell her now. © lenorenny / Reddit

• Imagine five or so years into the future. Your sister is married to Luke and finds out, either accidentally or otherwise, that Luke is your son’s father. How is that going to play out?
  Also: child support!
  Also: Your son will deserve to know who his father is and develop a healthy relationship with him as early as possible. © seidinove / Reddit

Indeed, the possible consequences are far worse than handling a difficult conversation.

• I get it—it’s complicated, messy, and will be ugly. But you can’t hide this from your sister—you are not being fair to her. She deserves to know the kind of man she’s dating. And what happens if Luke decides he wants to fight for custody? Or she sees you two chatting, and she thinks you’re cheating with the other? © MsBaseball34 / Reddit

• Wait, do you want the same to happen to your sister??? Have a talk with your parents, tell them everything, and figure out together how to tell your sister and how to get child support from him. © Ok_Paint_854 / Reddit

Jenna is facing her own challenge with an absent father who has suddenly reappeared after years. With her mother urging her to give him a chance, Jenna finds herself questioning everything. Can she really forgive him after all these years, or will his return only bring more confusion and pain? I Refused to Accept My Biological Dad When He Came Back, but My Mom Insisted I Do