I Won't Sacrifice My Hobbies to Be a Free Babysitter

Sometimes, it can feel like you're being pulled in two directions. In this story, our reader shares the struggle of holding onto something that's been part of his life for years while trying to support his wife and stepdaughter. Can he find a way to juggle both without losing himself? The answer might just surprise you.

Hi, Bright Side,

We’ve been married for almost 4 years, and my wife, Sarah, has a daughter, Lily, from her past marriage. Lily lives with us, but she is at her dad's, Tim, Fri-Sun. He remarried, and Lily just didn’t get along with his new woman. They fight all the time, and it’s a pretty toxic environment at his place.

So, Tim asked Sarah if it was possible to change the schedule, so Lily would spend less time with his new wife over the weekend. It wasn’t a big deal, but the problem was that Sarah didn’t talk to me before agreeing to it. Here’s where it gets tricky.

My wife has classes on Saturdays from 9 to 5. She asked me if I could babysit Lily on Saturdays, and I said no. I’ve been meeting up with my friends every Saturday morning to do rock climbing. It’s a hobby we’ve had since we were teenagers.

I’ve told Sarah from the beginning that this is very important to me, and I can’t just give it up. I told her she could hire a babysitter, but she didn’t want to spend the money when I could do it for free.

Sarah didn’t like that. She said I should put Lily first and not my climbing, and I told her that wasn’t going to happen. I can't cancel something I’ve been doing for years just to babysit for the next year. I tried to explain, but she wasn’t having it. She got mad, called me selfish, and went to sleep on a couch that night.

The next day, everything took a turn I didn’t expect. Lily came up to me and said she would love to live with Tim and his new family. Apparently, she overheard Sarah and me arguing, and now she thinks the whole thing is about her. She said that if we couldn't make time for her, it'd be better for all of us.

Now I’m stuck. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose Sarah and Lily over this. But at the same time, I can’t just give up something that’s been a part of my life for so long. I love Lily, but I also need my space. My wife is blaming me for everything, and I don’t even know how to fix it.

Best regards,
Nick

Hi Nick,

It sounds like you're in a tough situation where you're balancing your personal needs with your family's expectations. First off, it’s clear that you value your hobbies and the friendships you’ve built around them, which is absolutely understandable. At the same time, you’re navigating a complicated family dynamic with your wife, Sarah, and her daughter, Lily.

Here’s some advice for you:

• It’s important that you sit down with Sarah and have an open, honest conversation about your needs and feelings. It’s not just about rock climbing; it’s about maintaining a sense of identity and balance. You’ve clearly communicated that this is something vital to you, but she might feel that it’s unfair to prioritize your hobby over Lily's well-being.
  Understand her perspective, but also express how important it is for your mental health and the relationship to have that personal time. Maybe you can both find other ways to make her feel supported without losing yourself.
• Lily might be feeling torn between her mom and you, which could be influencing her opinion. Have a calm, mature conversation with her to reassure her that this isn’t about choosing sides. You can explain your position in a way that shows you care for her but also need time for your personal activities. It might help alleviate some of the tension and make her feel more understood.

• Since hiring a babysitter is something Sarah is reluctant to do, perhaps there’s a middle ground that both of you can agree on. For example, is there a way to rotate the responsibility of caring for Lily with Sarah on certain weekends?
  Maybe you could come up with a plan where you still get your climbing time, but with some adjustments. The key is finding flexibility without compromising on the things that are important to both of you.
• It sounds like the core of the issue isn’t just about babysitting, but also about deeper feelings of being overlooked or unappreciated. Both you and Sarah need to feel valued for your individual needs, and it’s clear there’s been a breakdown in communication. Consider how to approach each other with empathy, not just to resolve this specific issue, but to build a stronger foundation for handling future challenges together.

Ultimately, this isn’t a simple "right or wrong" situation—it's about finding a solution that respects both your needs and those of your family. Acknowledging each other's feelings and being willing to work together will go a long way in resolving this. Good luck!

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