I’m Struggling With My DIL’s Parenting Choices, and It’s Driving Us Apart

Being a parent doesn’t come with a guidebook, and sometimes, even with the best intentions, things can go wrong. One woman, overjoyed at the thought of becoming a grandmother, is now facing unexpected tension with her daughter-in-law. Their clashing views on motherhood, family, and what’s “best” for the baby have driven a wedge between them—and one explosive dinner may have taken things too far. Now, she’s reaching out for help to mend what’s broken.

A conflicted mother reached out for help.

Hi Bright Side, I’m writing to you because I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.

My name is Anna, and I’m 61 years old. I’ve always considered myself a warm, open-minded person. I’ve raised two kids, worked as a nurse for over 30 years, and I believe deeply in family, love, and doing things as naturally as possible—especially when it comes to children.

So when my son, Daniel, told me that he and his wife, Frankie, were expecting, I was over the moon. I cried tears of joy, right there in their living room. I couldn’t wait to be a grandmother.

At first, it was all happiness and baby name ideas. We’d sit and talk about little shoes and bedtime stories and what baby Daniel looked like when he was born. But as the weeks have gone by, something’s shifted—and now I feel like I’m standing on the outside of a door that I thought would be wide open.

Differing opinions created some awkwardness.

My DIL has always been stubborn, but things are so much worse now that she’s pregnant. Frankie is smart and capable—she’s a successful lawyer who’s worked incredibly hard to get where she is. I admire her determination. But she and I see the world very differently, and that difference has started to cause a real strain.

She says she doesn’t even want to breastfeed or have a natural birth! She’s planning to schedule a c-section so it fits better with her work timetable. She’s already chosen formula feeding, even though I’ve tried to gently share how much healthier breastfeeding can be. She says she doesn’t want the stress of pumping and that this way, the nanny can help out.

And when I asked if she was planning to take any maternity leave, she just smiled and said, “Not too much—I don’t want to lose momentum at work.” It’s not that I think she’s wrong to care about her career—I just worry.

I worry about the baby not having that early closeness with its mother. I worry about what daycare at 12 months will mean for bonding. And I worry that this precious little life is already being slotted into a calendar. Now, she told me she wants to send the baby to boarding school when it’s older, and I just couldn’t believe what I was hearing. That’s when I snapped.

She said something she couldn’t take back.

We were at Daniel’s house for dinner, just the three of us, speaking about my future grandchild, and the conversation got heated. I finally told her, “Why even have a child if someone else is going to raise it? You don’t deserve this baby!” Her face fell.

Daniel looked stunned. And then silence. I ended up leaving early, and I’ve been sick with guilt ever since. I feel awful about it. I know I hurt her. I’ve tried to reach out, but she hasn’t responded.

Daniel says she needs time. I want to apologize—truly. But I also can’t pretend that I’m okay with some of these choices. I just wish we could find a middle ground. I want to be involved, to help, to support. But I feel like I’m being shut out because I have a different perspective.

How do I fix this without completely betraying what I believe in? How can I be a supportive mother-in-law and future grandmother, even if we don’t see eye to eye? Any advice would mean the world.

Advice from Bright Side.

First of all, Anna, thank you for writing to us. It takes courage to admit something has gone wrong, especially when emotions are running high. Your situation is tough, but with care, understanding, and time, there’s a real chance for healing. Here’s what might help:

Try to understand her reality: It may feel impossible right now, but try to see the world through Frankie’s eyes. Today’s workplace, especially in high-powered careers like law, doesn’t always offer the flexibility many mothers need. Frankie may be making decisions that feel cold to you, but to her, they could be the only way to maintain the life she’s worked so hard to build.

Separate your love from your expectations: You love this baby already—and that love is a beautiful thing. But it doesn’t have to come with conditions. Studies show that intergenerational support works best when it’s respectful of boundaries. Instead of focusing on how Frankie “should” parent, focus on how you can help in the ways she welcomes.

Apologize without defending: You’ve already acknowledged that what you said was hurtful. When you do get a chance to speak with Frankie, try to avoid justifying your words. A simple, heartfelt “I’m sorry. I let my emotions take over, and I regret it” can be much more healing than any explanation.

Build trust over time: Even if you don’t agree with her choices, respecting them can help you slowly rebuild the relationship. Ask where she does feel comfortable involving you. Maybe it’s attending a prenatal appointment or helping set up the nursery. Small moments of shared experience can go a long way in reestablishing trust.

No matter how different your views may be, the most powerful thing you can offer right now is compassion. Your future grandchild will benefit not just from a strong mother, but from a loving grandmother who’s willing to learn and grow, too. And if you ever need a reminder of how complex (and moving) modern motherhood can be, you may find comfort in this heartfelt story.